Party pooper gets Queens’ bops banned by pooing all over bathroom

Queens’ woke up to a shitstorm yesterday morning as a rogue defecator went on a mad one in the men’s toilets of their beloved Cripps Court.

The JCR president’s email, leaked to The Tab, described the situation as “terrible”.

It read: “There was a serious incident in the men’s toilets in Cripps Court last night and one of the cubicles was covered in excrement.”

The first e-mail

The event has caused bafflement among college authorities, who urged people to come forward.

JCR President Leyla Sudbury said: “If you have information about this, please get in touch e.g. if you saw anyone acting strangely, heard anything in the toilets, came across the incident, know who may have been involved or have your own theories about what may have caused this.

Grim

We spoke to anonymous witness who was one of the first at the scene of the crime.

He said: “So I walked into the toilets to pee and was hit with an overwhelming smell of poo.

“Thinking nothing of it (it was just your typical male toilet) I continued with my piss, but as I was washing my hands I heard the porters telling someone to use the Lyon Court toilets because this one was about to be locked.

“Naturally curious I ask them why, to which the porter replies by pointing at one of the cubicles.

“I turn around and notice through the small gap between the frame and the door, a spraying of what was obviously excrement everywhere but the ceiling.

“I never knew you could shit higher than head height.”

Since nobody knows who the poopitrator was another e-mail was sent out to announce that all bops and swaps have been cancelled for the remainder of term.

In the second email, Leyla added: “Clearly there is a strong possibility that whoever was involved in the incident on Friday night needs welfare support.”

Shit has literally hit the fan

One of the events affected is the Queens’ Arts Festival, due to be launched next Friday.

The event has already struck a turd with the student population, sparking a new hashtag movement: #endweek5poos.

A spokesperson for the campaign said: “These are clearly the actions of a man in the late stages of desperation, an unfortunate crapcident.

“We’re exploring every hypofaeces, but clearly these are the smelly consequences of the University’s skewed priorities.

“What we need is a reading week, for people to get both their work, and their bowels, under control.”

Some Queens’ students were less sympathetic.

Joshua Harrington-Smyth, a third year Art-Historian said: “As if Cripps wasn’t bad enough already. First the architecture, then this.

“Mind you, I wouldn’t expect any less from the people on that side of the river. I hear it’s barbaric over there.

I never venture over the Mathematical Bridge at night-time. Not if I can help it. Not if I want to stay alive.”

The Queens’ plodge have refused to comment.

In a suspicious coincidence, Dr Neil Pemberton of the University of Manchester, is giving a speech on dog defecation at the Department of the History and Philosophy of Science on Monday.

#Endweek5poos campaigners have already issued a call-to-arms to lobby the event.

“Such flagrant normativisation of faecal matter is only going to make the situation worse.”

The Tab: bringing you shit journalism since 2009.