Cambridge’s best toilets: Part 1

No but really

Best Benches Cambridge Public Toilets

Writing for the Tab carries the potential for great social change.

This is an article uniquely reflective of The Cambridge Experience, for everyone knows we use the toilet more frequently than any other university.

Some claim it is due to the incredible pressure – I’ll admit the constant caffeine and sleepless nights has my bowels playing up 24/7. Others reckon it’s simply a symptom of our higher IQ: the toilet offers a quiet and calm place to think; indeed, I wrote my entire dissertation there.

Whatever the cause, it is with great pleasure I present to you: Cambridge’s Top Toilets Part 1.

The BNOC – The Lions Yard

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Such majesty

Some would call this the UN of Cambridge – it unites Town + Gown; the Lola fans and the Library fanatics.

Bustling and centrally located, this toilet is truly one for the Type A personality. It’s perfect for a quick whizz as you jog from rowing to your Union debate, but probably not the place for a leisurely number two.

It has several unisex private cubicles, although our one criticism would be that these continue to have the binary Ladies/Gents symbol on them – come on now, can’t we just say toilet?

Cost: Free

8/10 for convenience and peace keeping.

The Free Range – Jesus Green Public Toilets

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I imagine myself coming here in my dotage

A visit to Jesus Green toilets comes complete with river views, cows, and other cows – a treat to save for a rare day off perhaps, like a walk to Grantchester or a trip.

The toilets are conveniently located next to a bus stop, so even students as far flung as Homerton can pop over to take them for a whirl. Alas, they are one pricey whirl at 20p a go, so may not be for everyone on a student budget.

Cost: 20p coin (accepts no other coins)

7/10 – for beauty, but losing points for cost

The Gives Zero Fucks – T K Maxx

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They should permanently install a urinal

[Caption: They’ve even kindly labelled where to do the Number 1, Number 2, and Number G]

We all know the type of person who will take a whizz here. Be it entitled rugby player from Eton during a night on the lash or nerdy-school-kid-trying-to-prove-a-point, pissing outside T K Maxx is for the exhibitionist inside us all.

Cost: Dignity

6/10 because cleanliness + patriarchy

The Hack – ADC v. CUS

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The Cubicles of Audition Shits vs. The Backend of Westminster

Coming in at Number 4, we find ourselves in a tie – constipated between the Cambridge Union Society and the ADC toilets.

On the one hand, CUS is the first place on this list to have proper unisex toilets. Unfortunately, it costs £199 for life membership of this paragon of sexual equality.

The ADC, however, are certainly a well-polished act, with smooth scene changes between number 1 and number 2 – but unisex toilets are not available to the general public. There are some gender-blind toilets next to the rehearsal rooms, but these are normally taken up by nervous students with pre-audition shits hastily going over their extract.

Rating: 5/10

The ‘I did a Number 3. You probably haven’t heard of it yet.’ – Mill Road Public Toilets

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It’s not blurry, it’s artistic

Surrounded by artisan coffee shops, these are the toilets for the try-too-hards among us. Mysterious in the evening light, they are known to be the only toilets used during Arcsoc events – even if it requires ticket holders to trek half-way across Cambridge.

The toilet paper is made out of recycled newspaper, Ernest Hemingway novellas, and discarded dissertation first drafts. Either that or I didn’t actually manage to look inside, because:

Cost: Again 20p coin only. Srly, Cambridge Council?

3/10 – because I would rather get a train to King’s Cross and pay 30p for their toilets than pay 20p to Cambridge Council’s greedy, money thieving antics.

The Escapist – Cambridge Train Station

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Escape!

Sometimes it takes escaping the bubble to truly get a sense of relief. Cambridge Train Station toilets are for the dreamer within us all: there’s nothing like flushing away your problems for a bit and heading out of this picturesque snow-globe of a town.

This isn’t one for the time-taker as you’ll likely find yourself time-pressed to get a train (although for some, this adds to the excitement of it all). Again, there are not unisex toilets available (unless you’re counting the disabled toilet, which we don’t think is good enough).

Cost: £1.90 for a one-way ticket to Ely with a young person’s rail-card

4/10 – because I had to blag my way over the barriers to take that photo.

So there was the first inSTOOLment. Ha. HAHA. Hahahaha.

Ha.

I’m actually still stuck on the wrong side of the barriers at Cambridge Train Station. So until I get back out, queue patiently for Part 2.