9 Reasons Impbridge Will Never Happen

Dump Oxford for some London upstart? IMPossible, argues ALICE ROGERS.

bikes Boris cheese duxford gowns Impbridge imperial Indie league tables Oxbridge Oxford Potter PUNTING ranking werge

Imperial College London is joint second with Cambridge in the QS World University Rankings.

Some say  this spells disaster for everyone’s favourite portmanteau: Oxbridge.

Now that the Other Place is no longer one of the top two British universities, the clock is ticking. Should Cambridge shake off its slacking sister? Is this one of those exciting turning points in history which only a new werge can sufficiently commemorate?  Perhaps the time has come to join forces with Imperial to form something novel and amazing: Impbridge.

Or perhaps not.

Here are nine reasons why this is clearly a non-starter.

1. The Name

Impridge sounds too much like an indie rock band. Nobody wants that.

Come back Oxford, all is forgiven

2. Age

Imperial was founded in 1907, 698 years after Cambridge.

Thus, to use a dairy product analogy, Imperial is the Babybel to Cambridge’s extra mature cheddar. The two are in different leagues.

Pff, so immature

3. Gowns

Imperial scholars, unlike their peers at Oxbridge, do not have the pleasure of wearing gowns on a regular basis. This means that:

a) They cannot pretend they are batman whilst wearing said gown on a bike and

b) Ditto they cannot pretend they are secretly a wizard and Dumbledore is the college master in disguise.

Ergo, we just don’t want to mingle with these muggles.

No gowns? Bloody hell

4. Subjects (part I) 

At one ‘Welcome to Cambridge’ event for freshers, a Cambridge alumnus proudly declared that he did not consider MIT to be a ‘true’ university as it only offered science courses. This could be extended to Imperial.

Besides, we all know that the sole purpose of Arts students is to make the scientists look more productive and feel that their tuition money is better spent.

Imperial, you are clearly missing out.

5. Culture

Imperial may be sandwiched between the Science Museum and the V&A, but it is unquestionable that Cambridge museums are far superior. We have the Fitzwilliam… and, er,  Duxford? Does that count? Probably.

My heart just skipped a beat with excitement

6. Subjects (part II)

All of Imperial’s subjects are actually useful.

7. Punting

With the Thames literally being a stone’s throw away, Imperial has no excuse when it comes to their lack of river-bound activities.

Artists impression of an Imperial student throwing a stone

Why haven’t you started punting yet Imperial? I would have thought that with that many engineering degrees per capita, you would have developed a suitable extendable pole to navigate London’s waters by now.

Shame on you.

8. Prime Ministers

No Prime Ministers have ever originated from Imperial. Lucky them.

9. Bikes

In Cambridge, cyclists reign supreme over any other form of transport. Unfortunately in London this is not quite the case.

Although the cyclists there do have the chance to catch a glimpse of Boris Johnson’s luscious haystack locks. Which does make me a tad jealous.