A Grizzly Bear Vs Two Gorillas
DERMOT SMAMS returns, with the animal showdown to end all others.
Everyone likes eligible bachelors. A lot of people also like animals. So, as part of the countdown to the Rio de Janeiran Football Tournament and the IAAF Indoor World championships, Dermot Smams, winner of the bronze medallion for Tab Journalist for the Year 2013 brings you a selection of animal fights to the death. These bestial battles are conducted safely in the comfort of your own brains and imagination, in order to avoid the pain and carnage of two actual creatures committing mutual murder together respectively.
A GRIZZLY BEAR VS TWO GORILLAS
Absolutely massive and huge, this gentleman (or should I say ungentlebear) has all the right tools. Rearing to two metres easily (some hit three) Ursos Arctos will be looking to tear and batter his two opponents with his claws. If the gorillas get too close he’ll be putting a bite in with his huge jaw strength. This hairy fisherman is absolutely not afraid to go in hard.
We’re talking silverbacks here and, goodness me, do they have good arm strength, enough to propel 100 kilos of monkey madness through mid to high foliage and branchwear at 20 miles an hour. I imagine they’ll be choking and gouging, but their main strength, like a human person, will be their thoughts. This couple will be working together, looking to flank the bear.
I back the bear. Of course this battle is dependent on geographical and logistical Nebensachen, but let’s take neutral grassland, something like Parker’s Piece or the Madejski Stadium. You’ve got to understand that the gorilla has no real killer move. The grizzly bear, as a top carnivore, has an unbelievable skull density, and even if one of the gorillas gets a choke-hold, that grizzly will rear and fall back to crush it. A grizzly bear was made to fight a lion for the entertainment of a twisted businessman in China (something I abhor and have actually refused to watch on YouTube, even when friends have suggested it would be interesting, I’ve said no and actually left pretending to need a wee to avoid sullying my eyeballs with wanton filth such as this), and it knocked off the savannah dweller’s head with one swipe. If rudimentary tools were available, I might change my tune, but the grizzly has already received its arsenal from nature. The gorillas’ only hope is to go for the neck or belly of the bear, but in that kind of proximity the bear will be able to hit them very hard with its paws (hand-substitutes), and apply pressure with its toothy jaw-parts. Furthermore, even if these two sides were very angry and upset with one another, I don’t know if the herbivores could stomach the fight.
Verdict- GRIZZLY BEAR
After a cagey start, the bear would win. As soon as the first primate is down, the other will be dealing not just with a mismatched fight, but also substantial amounts of grief. It would be like trying to fight a cow at your uncle’s funeral. Overwhelming to say the least.
Have you ever seen a fight or an animal? Do you do zoology? Is there a particular fight you’d like Dermot Smams to investigate? We would adore to hear from you!
Next instalment: A horse vs Six labradors