Middle England Clutches Pearls as Cantabs Sit in Park

Upstanding Britons were horrified this morning to discover that University of Cambridge students had partaken in wild bacchanalia fewer than 24 hours previously.

In news that will no doubt dampen the mood of Bank Holiday Monday up and down this fair Isle, Daily Mail readers were subject to a barrage of uncensored images from yesterday’s Caesarian Sunday celebrations. Fully dressed students engaged in mild gymnastics as others drank from plastic containers while seated on grass. The depths of depravity that the country’s future leaders sank to was explicit for taxpayers to see.

Trigger warning: obscene content

Skimpily-clad women provocatively flaunted their nubile pins in figure-skimming bin liner dresses. With their fresh faces and bikini-ready bodies on display, they participated in sexist drinking society rituals, single-handedly undoing the sacrifices made by feminist pioneers such as Liz Jones and Samantha Brick. Judging by their dangerous curves poured into hemlines which rise year on year, we can only hope that no false rape accusations against Members of Parliament will be made.

Bureaucracy and red tape nonsense.

Members of Jesus College’s drinking society, the Caesareans, and the Green Giants, their Girtonian counterparts, put a particular dampener on Caesarian Sunday. Their conspicuous lack of participation in the long-held fighting tradition was an anarchic political statement, which has no place in modern Britain.

And we wonder why there are so many broken families in Britain

The Caesarian Sunday activities come in defiance of the University’s official stance.

A spokesman said: “The colleges will be asking students preferably not to attend but if they do to be considerate of others and avoid any behaviour which may cause offence.”

An increased police presence on Jesus Green was noticeable. Earlier on Sunday morning, Chief Inspector Chris Balmer said: “We have worked with the city council and the colleges to plan for the event and there will be dedicated police patrols on the day.” Still, concerns persist that this was insufficient to tackle what many fear is irreparable damage. Accounts state that for one family hoping to enjoy Jesus Green, a mother’s failure to cover her toddler son’s ears in time caused him to hear obscenities shouted by a group of students.

As a member of the Homerton Blaggards made ominously clear in the queue to Life at approximately 11:30PM on Sunday: “This is the last night that Adam and Eve will enjoy in Eden.”

Boozy games are carcinogenic

Our duty is clear, Cantabs. In order to fight this filth, we must ban pornography and vote UKIP.