Tab Tries: Funky Fun House

Longing to re-live your childhood? CELIA HART reclaims her youth during a visit to the Funky Fun House.

Alcohol celia hart childhood funky fun house funky town play S Club slides wrecking ball

Spending your Friday night amongst huge padded play equipment, complete with slides, mini wrecking balls and various other bits of brightly coloured plastic may not sound entirely appealing. The Cambridge Funky Fun House, however, most definitely lives up to its name.

As we rolled in, ‘Funky Town’ playing in my head, I admit that seeing several small children bound out, clutching Dora-the-Explorer balloons and covered in chocolate cake, did make me feel slightly weird. These feelings however were soon expelled as we began chugging back various £5 bottles of wine.

Funky Town, Lipps Inc. 

The prospect of actually pretending to be children again was overwhelming, and after a suitably throwback 90s playlist had been constructed (complete with S-Club) we were ready. Or so we thought. One ever logical friend voiced the fear we had all sort of been pretending we didn’t have: “I’m worried I’m going to get stuck.”

Our fears were only confirmed when a helpful attendant informed us we were slightly larger than their usual clientele. Club, Reach

What we really should have done was take heed of the sign that presented itself to us on our arrival…

funky house sign

Usually only used to a theology supervisor

Giddy with anticipation we ran past it and launched ourselves onto the various wonderfully padded pieces of equipment. Only vaguely inappropriately a friend started to re-enact Wrecking Ball…

wrecking ball

Wrecking Ball, cert. U

Two cheeky pro-plus and several swigs of Cherry-aid and vodka later (appropriately brightly coloured and sugary for our location) I was ready to hit some more slides and get lost in the ball park. It was then that we realised that there was no ball park. This whole thing had been a lie. Tears started to flood forth. I consoled myself with even more slides.


After moderate (and more than moderate) alcohol consumption, all slides involving any sort of rotation, turn, twist etc. should be avoided at all costs.


Stars in our eyes and also on the slides

The next morning I had a horrible realisation. One toe was considerably larger, redder and more swollen than the other. After hobbling to find help, I bumped into a medic who, after a brief inspection assured me it wasn’t broken. Immediately afterwards though, whilst placing my elbows on the table (demonstrating my well-polished etiquette skills), a searing pain took over. Inspecting my elbows, I discovered a plethora of nasty slide burns. So be warned: ‘soft play’ may be advertised, but it is in fact very, very hard.