BUNKERGATE!

The Kings Bunker Comittee have been accused of spending thousands of pounds without authorisation, TOBIAS PHIBBS responds


You may have read yesterday in Varsity that the people who run Kings Bunker are in a bit of trouble. They were accused of spending thousands of pounds without authorisation. Some are calling for the end of Kings Bunker, once again. 

Here’s what Kings Bunker had to say:
There is a spectre haunting King’s College. All the powers of our own Student Union, the College authorities, and the mass (Cambridge University) media have conspired against us in an unholy alliance. This spectre is Bunker.

We stand in solidarity with Edward Snowden. And we too must take a great risk. But the burden of responsibility hangs over us too heavily to allow the present state of affairs to persist. As Marx foretold, we are the movement that seek nothing but the abolition of the present state of things. We call this movement Bunkerism.

bunkergate

Its philosophy is as holistic as it is dangerous. Based on a complex web of neo-patrimonial relations combined with an unparalleled self-indulgence (seriously), the stale old order can neither contain nor comprehend this movement.

On the one side of history we have the flexibility, networking, efficiency and absurd arrogance of Bunker. On the other; deceit, democracy, pettiness and bureaucracy.

Bunker operates like the Gaia. Like the humans that interfere with the natural world, the college authorities – with the partial collusion of our own student ‘union’ – try to shut us down.

Whether it’s through restricting access to alcohol, restricting access for non-King’s folk, drugs busts (the extent of the collusion between different college authorities has led us to now suspect that the infamous drugs bust years ago was in fact a sting operation, and that aspects of college planted the drugs in order to repress the then spiraling power of Bunker, but we wouldn’t want to speculate), or ill-informed, unaccountable accusations made by our own ‘union’ against us, Bunker has been tested again and again. And on every count, Bunker has emerged stronger.

Everything was a blur...

Everything was a blur… (credit: Chris Cooper)

 

Non-college students are more than welcome; if you have Bunker in your hearts, Bunker will have you in its cavern.

Let us not lose sight of the issue at hand. Speaking before his flight to Barbados – where he is soon to be joined by the rest of the team for a well deserved Bunker retreat – the self-styled Bunker King – who can’t be revealed for fears over his own physical and legal safety – explained the current predicament:

“There were secret meetings, tapped phones, hidden cameras… it all got a bit NSA over here. We don’t know where the other student papers got their sources, but I bet it had something to do with spying. It definitely wasn’t legal, and I feel violated as an individual and as a monarch.”

"Bunker till I Die" - a couple of hardcore bunkerites (credit: Chris Cooper)

“Bunker till I Die” – a couple of hardcore Bunkerites (credit: Chris Cooper)

Members have been targeted in a sustained smear campaign. Leonardo Kellaway, a bright young lad who has been part of Bunker’s success and who would never hurt a fly, has had masked up men pay a visit to his parents home in London. Another Bunker affiliate has been receiving anonymous phone calls at ungodly hours preventing her from sleep; she too fears for her safety. As we have already made clear, we do not speculate, we leave that to you.

The Cambridge Student and Varsity have joined the street-level thugs in these smears. Their poorly researched articles are an indictment of student journalism. The corruption of the careerist cadets who climb Cambridge’s greasiest poles is shameless. They subtly promote their egos. Bunkerism by contrast declares self-indulgence and egoism as its fundament.

We may never find out what happened to the missing £65 000, but while we sip our 1893 Veuve Clicquot and ponder, we are clear on one thing at least: Bunker Lives.

Written by Tobias Phibbs with help from Bernie Madoff.