Sitting, chatting and eating ice creams: shame of Cambridge students as Jesus Green plays host to a gargantuan piss-up.
Yesterday, nothing exciting happened on Jesus Green. No one was belligerently drunk, no one was falling over and a game of frisbee was played.
Fun was had by all the family, as students and parents with small children contentedly shared the space.
A small child was, however, taken to hospital after consuming five vodka jelly shots left unguarded by careless students. “I thought they was jellies,” the drunken child bawled at The Tab. “Mummy is angry with me because I didn’t share!!!”
Elsewhere, the Green Party accused notorious drinking society ‘The Wyverns’ of upsetting the local ecosystem.
Their plan of using highly trained squirrels to fetch bottles of vodka hidden up designated trees went awry, as drunken squirrels were seen molesting Cambridge’s at-risk woodpigeon population.
Reenactment of events preceding the pigeon molestation by a different, highly trained squirrel.
Trouble broke out on Jesus Green between a young lady and two men as the former accused one of fathering her love child.
The gentleman in question, not believed to be in a relationship with the lady, strenuously denied ever having slept with her, but was then set upon by the second man, believed to be the young lady’s boyfriend.
The police quickly intervened but it soon came to light that the three youths were members of an experimental theatre group rehearsing for an episode of Coronation Street.
Episiode 7771: The one where Carla tells Peter she is having an affair with Frank and is having his child will be the Corpus Playroom late show over May Week.
One of the more horrific incidents of the day revolved around a group of Homerton freshers who have potentially broken up the marriage of a couple taking an innocent stroll through the park.
The freshers, who had already taken a ‘tactical chunder’, danced around the male crudely and suggestively, causing what the gentleman in question would later describe as “a momentary lapse of judgement”.
It is understood that court proceedings will take place on the 7th of next month; the man’s wife is appealing for witnesses.
A reenactment of the above events by the same, highly trained, squirrel
On a darker note, CUSU is currently investigating a claim that twenty rabbits were stolen ahead of the “Meet the Animals De-stress!” organised in conjunction with the Student Advice Service.
Some have suggested that the theft is part of a sadistic ritual performed by initiates of one of the more notorious drinking societies. For their sakes, The Tab has chosen to omit the names of those involved.
Other, more credible sources suggest that the rabbits were “set free” by a student in order to impress a girl interested in animal rights.
The Tab has been unable to ascertain if it worked.