Django Unchained

Phwoar. Pow-pow-pow! This is a bonafide, blood spurtin’, tobacco spittin’, lady swoonin’ western! An’ there be some gun-shootin’ too!

Django’s seethin’! His wife, the beautiful but face-crinklin’ Kerry Washington, has gotta get rescued. (But don’t worry – she don’t speak! Ha! There ain’t no female speakin’ roles in this picture ah thank yu very much.) And by the way, the ‘D’ is silent, hippies!

Wowah pow James Brown’s come tu sing us all a song! Yuhuh, coz Tarantino understands black cultyah. So he got Django dressed up all jive in a pimpin’ blue suit, we got some soul playin’ over a montage of horse-ridin’, and doooon’t you worry! Samuel L. Jackson’s here to scream out ‘muthuh-fucka’!

Now it may be that while watching this three hour film, you just ain’t got enough of the genius Quentin Tarantino. But he’s thought of that, the little bugger! So we got all the slave owners running around the plantation house like the ‘Crazy 88′, so we remember how much we loved Kill Bill. And we got one guy plucking another guy’s eye out its socket, so we remember how much we loved Kill Bill 2! Self-reference aaalright!

Now I know what you’re thinkin’! This just ain’t enough Tarantino! I need mo’ Tarantino! Ha ha! He’s thought of that, the little bugger. So we got Tarantino – himself – in the film! You know how Hitchcock would be somewhere in the background in all of his films? And you know how that was way too, y’know, tasteful and discreet? Tarantino thought that too. So he’s given himself a nice chonky part, where he has a Texan – I mean Australian – wait he’s got a New Jersey – well I’m not sure but he’s definitely got an accent.

Pow-pow! There’s blood eeeeverywhere! Yum yum yeh love it squelch slop splurt. And it’s the dude from Inglorious Basterds! Man I almost forgot how much I love Quentin Tarantino. Apparently he made some movies in the 90s or sum shit? Ah well who cares holocausts wahooo! What a load of fun!

But boy, all this shootin’ is gettin’ a bit tirin’. Pop on some Ennio Morricone would ya? Phew. Yeh some more montages would be good. Gee, those mountains are pretty.

But woah. Leonardo Dicap – ri – oh ma god his teeth are all yello’! But I tells ya, he mighty scary. In fact, Leo’s actually pulled it out the bag! His performance is, no-need-for-doubtin’, a side-splittin’, gut-wrenchin’, evil geniousin’ spectaculah!

Like there’s this bit when sneaky Django is actually trickin’ Leo’s character, Calvin Candie (- Calvin calls his plantation ‘Candieland’! Ha! Man slavery was funnier than it seemed in Amistad). Now you remember that scene in Inglorious Basterds where they’re in the underground bar and Michael Fassbender seems like he’s getting away with it but then – oh shit – he asks for three drinks but he uses his thumb and two fingers instead of three fingers and that gives him away and they know he’s a spy and holy shit it’s fuckin’ tense! Yeh well this scene wasn’t really like that. It was’t, y’know, tense or nuttin’. Who wants tension? Bring on sum mo’ Tupac!

Thass right, soundtrack’s a beaut, the situations wild and implausible, the violence cartoonily stylised. But still, do you want to spend three hours on it? Probably, actually, yeh.