THE TAB’S Election Drinks

As we watch the swing states topple like spinning tops, we will all peak to see whether America’s future is doomed or doomed. So why not get absolutely shitfaced as it happens? Here are our rules for getting Obamaliterated, and hopefully suffering from Romnesia in the morning:

1. Any time someone, on TV or in your company, refers to Romney’s 47% remark, see away 47% of your drink. Just because it will never vote, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t drink it.

2. Pick ten states you predict to be Republican, and ten you predict to go Democratic. If you’re not feeling like a pussy, go for twenty swing states. (If you go southern for Republican, or North Eastern for Democratic, you’re a pussy). If they get called the other way, drink as many fingers as the state has electoral college votes. (Tab Tip: don’t get California wrong!)

3. Any time you see one of Romney’s five weird grown sons that follow him around on his campaign, you must drink as many fingers as there are sons. One each for Tagg, Ben, Craig, Josh or Matt. If they’re dressed the same, double it.

4. Any shots of Obama looking sympathetic during shots of Hurricane Sandy, have a swig. If he is going to exploit the tragedy of climate change for votes, we can exploit the tragedy of this election for drinks.

5. If you want to take out any bets during the night, all must be to the value of $10,000. Any forfeits demand three fingers.

6. If Vice President candidate Paul Ryan is ever looking especially like Screech from Saved By The Bell, have a little sip. Because he always does.

7. Any time you catch yourself going along with the slogan, Believe in America, finish your whole drink.

8. Whenever someone shouts ‘Binder full of women!’, you must run and find the nearest, alcoholically-qualified female and positively discriminate against her in the form of making her down some of your drink. If you can’t find a willing girl, you’ve been exposed as having a sexist administration, and you must finish your drink.

9. Any time Barack and Michelle catch each others’ eyes and look madly in love, have a drink. Because it’s not fair that Obama can be president and have such pure love.

10. If you’re still left wanting more, why not enter a game of the Romney Olympics? Pick a member of the Romney nuclear family and drink whenever they appear on screen. Every time you refer to another player, you must refer to them by their Romney name. Every time someone shouts out ‘Forward!’, you must boo and shout ‘We Believe in America’. Any time Mitt is looking especially handsome, Ann must give him a condescending but loving look. Violation of these rules requires two fingers.

Hopefully this will help you enjoy or endure the hopeless apocalypse that undoubtedly awaits us after these pitiful candidates fight it out. If not, at least you’ll be wasted.

The Cambridge Union Society are broadcasting the US Election Live in the bar, free for all, on Tuesday night.