News From The Dark Blues

“I’ve broken his cock, I’ve broken his cock!”

These were the words that echoed about the hallowed chambers of St Edmund’s (Teddy) Hall on the night of their 50s themed ‘Rock ‘n Roll’ Ball. Fifteen minutes later a first year PPEist was rushed to hospital with that high priest of comedy injuries; a penile fracture (Wikipedia it. It’s a thing).

But Teddy Ball’s mire of depraved sexual debauchery didn’t end with the snapping of a fresher’s wang. One grad student, reportedly a member of the Ball’s organising committee, was promptly bundled from the dance floor by the event’s security after attempting to provide a handjob on the sly. As soon as security passed round the Kleenex, they were off to the college kitchens to execute their censorious asexuality on another Ball going couple. This enthusiastic pair were discovered merrily banging away on Monday’s lunch.

Teddy Hall, this columnist salutes you for your brazen disregard for the stuffy conventions of this neo-Victorian age. How after all can we truly call ourselves a democracy when one can’t even have wild bestial public coitus without being unceremoniously collared by some burly bouncer?

Over at Christ Church too, the raw sexual energy of the Oxonian spirit was being paraded in front of the entire JCR in the form of the college’s annual Mr & Mrs Christ Church competition. No one could have doubted the untempered masculinity of one stallion-esque fresher as he stood blindfolded, his genitals cradled in a Borat-style thong, attempting to fit a condom on a cucumber of particularly impressive girth.

Word on the street is that The Oxford Student’s decision to publish a large photo of said contestant’s barely concealed scrotum, beside what can only be described as a subtle and tasteful article, on Page 3 of this week’s edition hasn’t gone down too well with the College’s big dogs.

So, as Christ Church’s Entz reps quail in the face of the juggernaut of boffin fuelled moral blustering headed their way, there seems little left to do but sit back and enjoy the show.