What Women Really Want This Valentine’s
As kitschy cards fly off the shelves, and many a bed is strewn with rose petals, POPPY MORRIS investigates what really gets the gals going on Saint Valentine’s…
‘Oh no, Valentine’s Day is just a tacky commercial bandwagon, I couldn’t care less…’ It’s a well-rehearsed phrase for all girls, especially Cambridge ones with far more intellectual things to be getting on with.
But should the boys believe this, I hear you ask? One step ahead of the game, I broke out of the library and delved around in the female psyche for some fundamental truths. And to avoid any misunderstandings (“I didn’t mean THAT sort of sausage!”), I asked them for pictures.
So gentlemen, ‘What do women want this Valentine’s Day?’ From the heart-warming to the bizarre, here are my anonymous favourites:
“Boys are often dreadful at eye contact, it’d be nice if he smiled at me with his eyes while we work.” NB: Tyra Banks calls this ‘smizing’ (eye-smiling) on America’s Next Top Model, which is an excellent concept except there is a danger of looking chronically constipated.
2) Pigeon hole fun
“I have an unhealthy relationship with my pigeonhole, I’m addicted to post. Any boy who would fill my pidge with Creme Eggs gets the thumbs up from me, it’s never too early for Easter eggs!” Someone’s hungry for the next commercial bandwagon, aren’t they? Nonetheless, pidge-lovin’ is a sound idea. A whopper bar of Dairy Milk (the original, and the best?) with a mysterious note will be just the jump-start your love wagon needs. Blatant hinting about your identity is fine, you have ingratiated yourself with your cocoa offering.
3) Pretty woman
“It would be nice if my boyfriend told me I was pretty, or dare I say b-e-a-u-tiful for once, rather than the generic ‘sexy body’ lines. Don’t be embarrassed, Tab readers!” Good point well made. Uncensored truths can be wonderful, but keep the body comments wholly positive on Valentine’s Day. ‘You have chunky thighs but at least your killer rack compensates’ does not a happy bunny make.
4) Prince Charming
“I can always tell when a boy makes an effort, and when he has just rolled off the work-wagon and schlepped round to mine. I try and look good for him, but he treats me like his sister most of the time!” Ooh, cutting. Before you dismiss this ‘ungrateful woman’, consider seizing this opportunity to spruce yourself up spontaneously: shave that fluff off your face, scrub the lewd doodles off your arm and put the kettle on. Hot chocolate and a Sainsbury’s cookie for an impromptu gyp-picnic are excellent charm weapons of choice as frosty week five approaches.
5) Buy one, get one free
“It’s sad seeing all the Valentine’s stuff going half price in Sainsbury’s, no one keeps the romance going.” I recommend a crafty two-pronged attack: one ambush now and one next week. Neither need be grand gestures but knowing that you’re still thinking of her, not just your supervisor, is a sure-fire way to keep that spark alive.
Now you’re buoyed up with romantic inspiration, it’s time to seize Cupid by the wings and make the most of this Valentine’s Day.
Make these girls proud: this can only end well.