How To Get Into A Drinking Society

Last week, new Opinion co-Editor David Douglas-Pennant and Tab columnist, Declan Clancy, taught you how to upgrade from Lord to Lout, or alternatively deteriorate socially from Duke to Devvo. In this new spirit of self-improvement/debasement, George Johnston and George Lamb bring you their tips on how to make it into the drinking society elite.

Lads

1.    Sort out your chat

If you’re going to qualify for drinking society status you need to walk the walk and talk the talk. This means moving groin-first, especially when in the college bar or any other place where your social rivals congregate. It also means not missing an opportunity to remind everyone of just how many girls you shag on an hourly basis. If someone says to you “Have you met Holly”, reply, with a single quixotically raised eyebrow, “yeah, I was just casually dogging her”. Or “Was that your sister in your room earlier?”, “yeah, I was just casually dogging her”.

NB: (to casually dog: having sex with more than one person in a public place, often with at least one stranger, and usually with others watching; good for spreading the DNA around)

A Casual Dog

2.    Learn how to handle your booze

Contrary to what you might expect, this doesn’t mean being able to drink large amounts of alcohol without getting drunk. What it does mean is being able to avoid RCI (repetitive-chunder-injury) during a heavy session with the Maxi-Lads. Remember, vomiting in a toilet itself is extremely bad-form. If you do find yourself feeling a bit sick in a washroom, at least have the common decency to go in the sink; ideally, blocking it in the process. OCLs (Optimum-chunder-locations) include such dogging-grounds as the bedroom or JCR. You can even get the lads involved for some PCA (post-chunder-applause). WARNING – poor chundering efforts may result in the dreaded two-finger clap.

3.    Get that crucial Blue

We can’t all be as Hardy as some of Cambridge’s top athletes. But, it would be a Burden to miss out on “the crux of one’s Cambridge social life”. Delusional levels of self-confidence are a must. You’ve got to be willing to put in those man-hours in the gun-dungeon before taking a bite out of the Hawk’s Burger come crunch-time. Whilst there’s no back-door to penetrating Cambridge’s sporting elite, we can offer some tips to help ease your passage. Why not take up…

– Fives (reportedly this is actually a sport. We were denied access to the Pitt Club in order to question the President.)

– Polo (Do you own an estate? Missing your gallant steed? Then this is the ‘sport’ for you. Includes free Jack Wills stash but you don’t wear anything else anyway.)

– Dancesport (Need I waltz on?)

4.    The Get-Out Clause – Become a Gimp.

If you can’t be a fagger, be the fagged. If you can’t join, be beaten. Shaving is compulsory and we’re not just talking about your pubes being hair today and gone tomorrow. Think dogging. But without the dog.

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Babez

1.    Don the body-con(dom)

Never allow yourself to be seen in college without one of these. Tight, bright and preferably as rubbery as the real thing, they are essential gear for anyone seeking inter-collegiate stardom. If your LBD (little black dress) isn’t tight enough for your supervisor to see your butt-cheeks then lets hope things are okay tits-up. Otherwise the Lords of Lash (also known as the Earls of Chunderland) will be moving onto pastures greener. Once you’ve got appropriate clothing colonise a buttery/hall table and poke away at a sprig of lettuce ad infinitum.

2.    He’s either got to be balding or a banker

Getting with someone in your own year is worse than paedophilia (Gap Year cases should be examined on individual merit). Look for those signs of maturity in your man; baldness, the cheeky management part II, or an affiliated degree at Hughes Hall (is that even a college?), are all pointers in the right direction (the City). If trips to London are racking up, put your money where your mouth is, and invest in a student railcard.

3.    Practise drinking games in your bedroom. Alone.

Vomiting is not an attractive feature in girls (yet) so it’s essential to take part in drinking games while keeping your (hopefully calorie negative) dinner down. Once you’re bored of counting to 20+1 why not compile a histogram of all past relationships among your ‘friends’ to avoid pissing anyone off. Think One Tree Hill. But without the Tree.

4.    The Get-Out clause – Become a Bicycle.

Someone needs to sate those hoards of horny rowers whose faces lend themselves to radio.

Room for Two