Miss B Talks Dirty: Food for Thought

After a gruelling supervision, up against some of the finest young minds in the UK, a world expert in their field, and a crippling Apple VK/ Cindie’s induced hangover it’s handy to know what gets your endorphins flowing. I asked around. The results were mostly predictable: exercise, food and sex. And happily, three birdies, one stone, you see where I’m going with this. Food in the bedroom: it’s silly, it’s fun and it tastes scrumptious.  

Unless you’re super confident, it’s probably best to wait a little while into a new relationship before bringing out the sexual smorgasbord: no need to create things that can go wrong! Whilst it’s new terrain for the adventurous, games also bring laughter into the bedroom, so it’s also a tasty way to relax the nervous.

The How to Guide

It’s playtime, what game to pick? The choices are endless, so please feel free to shop for your favourite foods and just get down and very, very dirty in whichever way you like best. But just in case you need a helping hand, here are some recipes for success:

1. Spread your legs. Offer something spreadable to your lover with your naughtiest smile. They can have it, but they have to lick it off wherever you put it. Girls: your weapon of choice is Rolo desserts (not too sticky, not too sweet). Dab some on your nipples and dribble it down your stomach. After foreplay using the chocolately bit, you can get yourself some oral fun by putting the caramel between your legs, then lie back, and enjoy being licked clean. Boys: how about chocolate buttons left to melt? I love cream cheese, but it’s not for everyone. Obvious places for food of your choice are around the head of the penis, nipples can be surprisingly sensitive, and a fair few gentlemen wouldn’t say no to having their balls licked. 

This sounds basic but is a really effective way of showing your lover where you like to be touched, whether it’s your ear lobes, nape of the neck, the backs of your knees, the hollow of your pelvis, the list goes on. Everyone has different erogenous zones, and (repeat after me children) the person you’re in bed with isn’t a mind reader. So this is a very tasty way to show a new lover (or if you’re especially unlucky, a long term bad one) the ropes. 

2. Ooh that’s n-Ice: An ice cube is guaranteed to give you shivers. Running it down their spine will make them squirm. Combined with a blindfold, alternating the cold of the cube with the heat of your mouth wherever it’s wanted will wake up the senses and make you super sensitive for the fun to come.

3. Gimme some sugar: Pass a piece of chocolate from your mouth to theirs, back and forth. This is so simple, and so useful. It’s a good distracter if you want them to last longer during sex. Post 69, it sweetens the (otherwise slightly salty/fishy) deal. Use cheap, chunky Cadburys, it won’t melt as fast as thinner posh chocs like Green and Blacks.

4. Celebrate with me: Drink a little champagne, hold some in your mouth, give a little head. Repeat. The bubbles are deliciously tingly for both sexes, and make for a truly unique sensation. Other bubbly pastimes include kissing with Champagne in your mouth, passing it between one another, or licking it out of your lovers bellybutton (giggles guaranteed!). What a wonderfully indulgent way to celebrate. 

Now don’t tell anyone I told you so, but it can be any sparkling wine. But don’t use beer, or you’ll stink of it for a week. Soft drinks are a definite no-no: not only will you stick to each other like nervous freshers in Fez afterwards, but the bubbles are bigger, so it’s less interestingly tingly, more irritatingly itchy. 

The one big catch is, it can be very, very messy. If alcohol is involved, it’s going to spill no matter how practiced you are, because you’re going to get drunk. Smooshed strawberries will probably end up on your bed sheets, and I learned about whipped cream the hard way. Eau de sour milk anyone?

Chloe (Murray Edwards) had been looking forwards to an evening of chocolate filled fun, so she went to change into her sexy new underwear. She returned to find her (thankfully now ex) boyfriend posing naked on the bed, holiday theme shaped chocolate in mouth. He took it out, gave her a cheeky wink, and his face was covered in chocolate. “Like a little boy.” She cried. “It was smeared all round his mouth. It was one of the least sexy things I have ever seen.”

The moral of the story? Whatever you’ve got lying around just won’t hack it. While in the heat of the moment groceries as dildos or fun with pasta sauce might seem like a good idea, the aftermath will prove you wrong.  Sweeties, learn from our mistakes – stop off at Sainsbury’s on your way home. 

As long as you have a shower nearby, and either put down some towels or wash your sheets after, there should be no problems. I’m a big fan: it’s a great way to demand what you want whilst seeming to be giving (sneaky aren’t I!), and when it’s your turn to give, it will taste yummy. 

Stay safe and enjoy the ride.

Xxx

Miss B

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*Names have been changed.