How to make it seem like you were born with a mother-of-pearl spoon in your mouth.
Yes, that’s right, I call myself a cripple. ABBI BROWN explains her controversial title.
The Athletics Team are offering £150 of champagne to the fastest 4x100m team. Who knows, maybe you can beat the Athletics Blues as well…
For £40 ANNA WILMOT had a great time amongst the swarms of Blue, at this year’s Hawks’ and Ospreys’ Charity Ball
From the archives: JUAN ZOBER DE FRANCISCO reminds you how to correctly douse your friends as they finish their final exam.
Tom Rasmussen claimed ‘it was like having a fucking prolapse’; TOMMY SHANE begs to differ.
JOHN BARDSLEY is left feeling contented by a solid May Ball.
OSCAR WILLIAMS-GRUT admits being scorned by supervisors and ignored by neighbours as a direct result of his college.
SOPHIE THORPE is burning her bra for better customer service. And some free bubbly.
ELLIE PITHERS had a whale of a time, but her booze cruise came to an end earlier than planned.
LOTTIE UNWIN: ‘There were truly meaty burgers, delicious smoked salmon crepes and if you batted your fake eye-lashes enough, divine hog roast, but doing the ball basics well wasn’t quite enough.’
Queues, the 4am lull and champagne headaches are a given, but some balls this May Week have been beset by problems other than the usual May Ball gripes.
ROBERT SMITH: ‘I’d spend an evening quaffing quick booze to wash down a Nutella crepe as Paul from S Club sings ‘Follow your heart’s desire’ instead of ‘Climb every mountain higher’ for the hundredth time any day.’
JASMIN SANDELSON: ‘a night of considered touches, and unfortunately, queues’.