Attack of the Clones
Could you handle 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day? TABATHA LEGGETT investigates the pressures of looking perfect.
We’ve reached that annoying part of term again: work is piling up, and time is running out. Accommodation plans for next year need finalising, and May Ball tickets are becoming increasingly difficult to get hold of. We’re all realising that we should have spent less time in Cindies and more time in the UL. I’m realising that a Philosophy degree involves a lot of logic, which is like really difficult maths. I hate maths, especially the really difficult kind.
Last week, I sat down to tackle my logic worksheet, and it made me cry. I kid you not; a sheet of paper actually made me weep. This was not cool. The only way to make me feel any better, I thought, was to treat myself to a copy of ‘Cosmopolitan’ and spend a good hour mulling over mindless trash. And what’s more, my plan kind of worked. I learnt that yellow nail varnish is fashionable, and that the big feet = big cock rumour isn’t true. The more I read, the more relaxed I felt – that is, until I reached the last few pages.
For anyone who is unfamiliar with the layout of women’s magazines, the final pages are always plastered with plastic surgery adverts. The one that caught my attention was an A4 sized picture of Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (my favourite housemate from Big Brother 7, and possibly the trashiest woman on the planet), clutching her ridiculously large boobs. The logical conclusion to draw from this was clear: plastic surgery is actually taking over the world!
Previously, plastic surgery was quite a big deal. Nowadays, it’s just not. It’s not uncommon to hear teenagers talking about getting boob jobs, and more and more children aspire to be like Jordan/Katie Price/whatever she’s calling herself these days than ever before. But, recently, plastic surgery has reached a whole new level of creepy. Did you know a boob job can now be performed during a lunch hour? Apparently, it’s an almost painless procedure, and it allows one to return to work the following day. Alternatives include the ‘lunchtime lipo’ and botox injections, which allow the patient to return to work the very same day.
Heidi Montag from ‘The Hills’ recently hit the gossip column headlines because she had had ten plastic procedures in just one day. Her treatments included: an eyebrow lift, botox in her forehead, a nose job, fat injections in her cheeks (her own leg fat was used), neck liposuction, ears being pinned back, breast enlargements, liposuction on her waist, hips and thighs, a buttock augmentation and a chin reduction. In just one day. Moreover, Heidi’s not the first of the cast of ‘The Hills’ to go under the knife: it is suspected that Audrina Partridge and Kristin Cavallari have also undergone boob and nose jobs respectively.
In an interview with ‘Access Hollywood,’ Heidi explained that she almost died during surgery. Apparently, her breathing slowed down dramatically and emergency surgeons were called in to save her. Despite all this, however, it was so worth it. Heidi explained that although she finds it difficult to eat and talk, and is in a considerable amount of pain, the procedures were worthwhile. She no longer has a “Jay Leno chin”, and since her ears no longer stick out, she can wear her hair up with ease. Heidi’s only regret was that her boobs are now a size DDD, rather an a size H. She wanted them to be a size H, you see, because her name is Heidi.
Heidi now wants to launch a career as a pop star, which she feels will be easier given that she is now an “improved version” of her former self.
When we remember that Heidi is just 23 years old, we realise how tragic this case is. She is a confused young woman, who has been driven to an obsession with her appearance and taken on a mammoth amount of reconstruction. The saddest thing is that Heidi was pretty darn hot before her surgery, and now she just looks like a 40-year old Barbie.
Maybe one day we’ll all realise that our obsession with looking like an airbrushed, photo-shopped celebrity on the cover of a magazine just isn’t worth it. Too many pretty faces are turning into creepy plastic clones, and fewer and fewer people look real these days. Heidi is just one example; in 2008 about 11.7 million Americans had plastic surgery. That’s a shockingly high number.
So, next time my logic makes me cry (which will inevitably be quite soon), I’ll just look in the mirror and be thankful I don’t look like Heidi Montag.