Tom Davenport’s Strictly Speaking

Trout angling for top plaice at CUFS

Following the revelation of the mackerel-based scandal reported exclusively by The Tab last week, George Salmon is set to step down from the Presidency of the University’s Fishing Society at the end of term. Salmon is said to be “gutted” by his imminent demise. His election caused a sensation last year when he became the first Afro-Swedish Jew to attain the position in the society’s 150 year history.

Amid the haddock of the ensuing election battle however, one candidate has emerged as a clear favourite; deep sea-specialist, Arianna Trout of St. John’s College, who looks set to take the helm for the Easter Term.  Trout, a third year medic, is training to be a brain sturgeon.

“I couldn’t stay perched on the wall any longer,” commented Trout. “I just had to get involved,” she snapped. Trout brings several years of industry experience to the table, having held positions with the UK Department for Fishing during her carp year and subsequently during University holidays. When asked why it was that she took an interest in fishing in the first plaice, Trout retorted, “initially for the halibut. But as soon as I started, I was hooked.”

CUCD Computer Error spells Untold Setbacks for Ambitious Graduates

A glitch in the Cambridge University Careers Service computing systems has resulted in hundreds of rogue applications being made on behalf of Cambridge students. Approximately 2,500 junior members of Cambridge University have recently found themselves enrolled in training schemes and registered for jobs for which they did not apply.

Recruitment Managers at the international restaurant chain McDonald's, which has a branch in central Cambridge, said they were "pleased" to offer almost 300 finalists places on their sandwich construction training program. When interviewed exclusively by The Tab, many of the surprised 300 said that they thought that perhaps McDonald's had been confused by the staff at the Careers Department with McKinsey’s,  the global strategy consultancy firm.

The majority of accidental applicants spotted the mistake in time and were able to remove themselves from the company’s employment register. Almost 50, however, failed to notice their unexpected application before the deadline, and now find themselves contractually obliged to undergo three years of employment with the firm; under new legislation, such contracts may not be broken.

A total of 92 applicants were rejected by the restaurateurs for failing to meet basic employment requirements. 

Amongst other notable unexpected applications was that made on behalf of the former President of CUAS (Cambridge University Atheism Society). Mr. Bulmer, a staunch supporter of Oxford University’s Professor Richard Dawkins, now finds himself on the brink of beginning a second degree at Westminster College for trainee priests.

Equally, Marianne Tulip, Lent term 2009 Treasurer of CUPS (Cambridge University Pacifist Society) commented to The Tab that she was “anxious” about beginning her training with the SAS in August.

Cambridge University Careers Department has openly apologised for “any inconvenience that may have been caused by this error.”