Agony Aunt: Inappropriate Partners

Dear L and L,

I find myself in love with fat women. I like it when you really have to work hard, put in the effort to get down below. You know, when you have to throw all her layers over her shoulders to get access. I’m finding that I can only get aroused when a girl has got bingo wings large enough for the whole Mecca Bingo hall to have a go on. I know there’s no stigma attached to loving pig muffins, buffet blimps and plumpettes nowadays, moreover that big is beautiful. The problem is that my girlfriend isn’t fat – she has a swimwear figure and healthy eating habits. I don’t want to dump her: I love her. She’s kind and caring and doesn’t even cry when she gets drunk. Also, her dad pays for the Sky+ in our house and told me that when I graduate I’ve got a grade 1 managerial position in his firm. I’ve thought about feeding her up, but I think she might get suspicious, especially as she’s allergic to pie and I don’t know how else people get that big. Will she understand if I tell her? And what can I do to plump her up? I just really want my very own butterball to spread me across the sheets.

Girthless of Girton

BIG is beautiful. Society fucking loves it. If Dorothy Perkins continues to make hot pants in size 24, those a little on the voluptuous side will continue to rock ‘em. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little bit of waddle on your piece of skirt. We get that you want a king-sized piece of ass to go with what we can only assume is your king-sized shlong. You know what girls are like though – don’t bring up their weight! Chicks go all mental and cry and shit, so here a few subtle ways you could fatten up that goose of yours. Try introducing food into your bedroom antics. We hear sploshing is at the heart of fashion, at least that’s what Splosh! Magazine is saying. (If you don’t get it, youtube it) Go on, throw some beans down her pants or get her to lick cream cheese out of your belly button. Sexy!! If she isn’t particularly receptive, just whack some lard on your cock and pretend you’re none the wiser when she complains about the taste. Tell her that if she really loves you she should always swallow, every calorie counts (we highly recommend that you have checked that you are both STI-free and the Laurels sexual health clinic is on the way towards Tesco and ASDA – where you can get the materials to fashion yourself some pancetta pants). Oh and make sure you’re ALWAYS on top, you don’t want her doing any unnecessary exercise. Make it kinky: handcuff her to the bed so she doesn’t stray and accidentally work up a sweat. Just be careful that you don’t take it too far, you won’t want to go from boyfriend to carer, wiping her arse and cleaning fat flaps.

L and L

Dear L and L,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and I feel it’s probably about time I take him home to my parents. Only problem is, he’s still doing his GCSEs. What can I say, we’re madly in love! He’s posted it all over his Bebo and his Myspace, so it must be true. All our profile pictures are together and he always puts in a minimum of 5 Xs when he texts me. I just don’t know how I’ll be able to bring up my finals over a Sunday roast when my ‘rents are asking him about what AS levels he wants to take. I just can’t say no to a boy in a blazer, a bit of fringe and a hint of acne. Don’t get me wrong, I refused to touch him before he was of legal age, even when he asked; I refused to MSN him some photos so he could have a wank. I’m no pervert, but there’s such a thrill when you unzip those standard issue M&S school uniform trousers, pull down those dinosaur y-fronts and you just aren’t sure if they’ll be grass on the pitch. I mean, he still watches CBBC, how cute is that? My friends say I’m gross and that I need to grow up. It does get problematic when he gets refused booze in our college bar, and when he asks if any of my guy mates can teach him to shave. Does our relationship have a future?

Churchill Cougar

First off, don’t worry: you’re legal. L and L don’t judge and we’re adamant that love knows no boundaries. Until there’s a restraining order or you’re wilfully spreading AIDS, anything goes. Unless you’re a mature student. Or a grad. C’mon now, the lad’s sixteen – you don’t want to mess the boy up for life when he plunges in and finds all the water’s gone and he can’t even touch the sides. 23 to 16 is just about an acceptable age gap and relationships like this can add all sorts of excitement for both parties. For him, it’s the fact that he’ll be able to move from ‘whipping boy’ to ‘back seat crew’ on the school bus through the stories of his sexual exploits. For you, there are all sorts of bonuses. He doesn’t know what goes in a situation like this. Make him your slave or tell him you’ll kill yourself if he doesn’t gratify you now. You’ve got the advantage and since you’re into the whole schoolboy thing, you’ll probs want to mother him or dominate him or something like that. I mean, what the fuck else are you doing it for? As for whether this relationship has a future, let’s think long and hard about this. You aren’t getting any younger and is he really going to want to stick with you when he gets to 6th Form, or even University? Girls will stop wearing BHS pleated skirts and are you sure the figure hugging jeans on these new Topshop Princesses won’t turn his head? He’s a different generation, he probably fucking understands what twitter is for and he won’t care when you’re worrying about mortgages or a career – they probably won’t even exist or they’ll just be an iTwat app by the time he’s your age. Be prepared to chop and change if you’re going to plough this furrow. Find a new one each year, because none of them are going to stay when they discover your sideboob.

L and L