Review: Lubricants

The days of January are slowly drawing to a close. This can only mean one thing in the minds of all you lovelorn guys and girls out there: Valentines Day is approaching! Now, if you are amongst the more organised, you’ve probably got your plans entirely concrete at this stage. The hotel room has been booked, the Champagne charged to the credit card, the bouquet of roses ordered. But what about the little things? Sure, all of the above are important in their own way, but when it comes down to the ‘meat’ of Valentines day, how on earth will you decide which products, lotions, potions and indeed toys  to include in your bag of tricks? Never fear my darlings, I’m here to brave the worst and make sure your night is second to none this 14th of February.

First up and easily my most favourite: Lubrication.

Now, while many of you out there will claim never to need this aid, take it from someone who knows – a little squirt of this is paramount to ensuring that your bed is used for its proper purpose. It’s not just for the in-and-out you know, but very useful for the up-and-down movements, as well as that all important finger tip tango. Of course; if your budget is a little thin – you can always wander off to your nearest welfare officer, and they are supposedly good for a little packet or two. My personal experience with this stuff is that it’s fine, does the job – but if you are in the market for something a little more special then read on my darlings, read on.
 

Juicy Lube Luscious Watermelon
Purchased: Ann Summers
Price:  £4 (it was on sale)
While doing my research for this article, I discovered that a lot of people don’t really understand flavoured lube. My answer is always ‘depends on what you use it for.’ This particular brand for instance is testament to that statement. As an actual lubrication, it’s not particularly good – it’s a bit thin and needs a lot of reapplication to stay the distance. As a flavour enhancer however, this can turn any piece of the anatomy into a watermelon flavoured lollypop – if you get my drift. It has that sweet, artificial taste of candy (Reminiscent of ‘Melody Pops’ if anyone remembers those) that doesn’t fade, even with repeated licks. That said, The Boy despised it; claiming it tasted like chemicals. Flavoured Lubes it appears might be affected by that old adage: ‘taste is in the mouth of the beholder.’
Rating: 3 out 5 for limited use applications.

KY Jelly
Purchased: Boots
Price: Unknown
This is the old favourite, and yet I wouldn’t advise purchasing it. According to sources it has apparently changed formula over the last few years and is currently a complete let down in terms of functionality. With so many other products on the market – and with easier and sexier application bottles then the tooth-paste tube I was testing – I suggest you leave the dinosaur behind and look elsewhere. Then again, if anyone has had a better experience, I encourage you to leave a comment – I’m always open to a change of mind!
Rating:  1 out 5 – Don’t bother.

Ann Summers Rub Tub
Purchased: Ann Summers
Price: £12
I will just point out right now that this product is not a lubricant, and therefore should not be used internally. However, it is a selection of three brightly coloured jelly-esque creams which are each designed to be smeared on individual parts of your anatomy – Nipples, girlie bits and the boy bits. Each claims to enhance foreplay, sensitivity and for the latter two – orgasms. For any of you browsing through Ann Summers this weekend I’ll just warn you right now that this claim is a complete and utter fabrication, and an annoying waste of 12 pounds.

First tested was the nipple rub. It claims to be citrus tasting and will cause ‘tingling’. Now, due to our busy Cambridge lifestyle I was forced to rub this on The Boy while he was toasting sandwiches so that the effect could be rated in time for this review. I note this just in case it biased the experiment, but I doubt the results would have been any better had he been bound and gagged naked on the bed. No tingling, just a bit cold, and it tasted so nasty I had to wash my mouth out afterwards. I had a similar experience of nothingness, even after leaving it on for nearly 15 minutes. This however, was actually the good one of the bunch. The one for the girlie bits claimed to cause heat, but since you can’t lick it, and can’t have it inside the body (due to it containing liberal amounts of paraffin no doubt), and the burning is actually rather uncomfortable, this was also a waste of time. Worst of all was the one for the boy bit – instead of enhancing anything it caused reported numbness and subsequent failure. I have never been so angry with a product and ended up throwing them across the room in disgust. Be careful Ann Summers, you’ve made a powerful enemy in me.
Result: 0 out of 5. DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT!

Durex Play Feel Intimate Lube
Purchased: Boots
Price: £3.99
I might be a little biased in my reviewing of this particular product because essentially, if there was one thing I had to bring on a dessert island it would be a pot of Durex lube (just in case I happened to be marooned on Johnny Depp’s private island just after he had given Vanessa Paradis the boot of course). This wonderful, magical, thick clear liquid has given me more pleasure then I can think of without getting too distracted to continue writing… It’s long lasting, hard wearing, doesn’t stain the sheets, and can be used inside and out. Anything your dirty little mind can contemplate will be aided by this small blue little bottle. Plus you get the added joy of seeing whether the crew in Boots even flicker as you buy such an obviously sexual item amongst the old ladies clutching corn cream and whining about their prescriptions. It also comes in ‘Tingle’ and ‘Cherry’, which this reviewer has unfortunately not has the pleasure to try by the time of writing this article, but is rather hopeful about her own 14th of February presents. You can also buy it in individual sachets for (I assume) carrying round in a wallet or purse, but I have simply bought two pots – one for his room and one for mine, just to cover all eventualities. After all, you never know when you may need some.
Result: 6 out of 5. An absolute must for any bedside drawer.