DVD Round-up: Action Films

Rob Brown turns to action films in our search for the best DVDs for a lads night-in.

Action Films Alan Rickman Arnie Bruce Willis Commando Die Hard DVD Grenade Kurt Russell Schwarzenegger Stallone Tango and Cash

Right, it’s film night time again. This week we’re going to plump for the proper manly choice: the action film. Now a little background; there are three types of action film: the good, the bad and the Schwarzenegger. I’m going to suggest one of each so you club-dragging Neanderthals get your RDA of violence, comedy, culture and porn. Except not the last one, you probably don’t need any help with that you dirty fucking perverts.

Die Hard
First up the undisputed mac-daddy of action films: DIE HARD. How can you get better than this; it suggests hard death in the title! Now while the sequels have merit (if only in the WTF? inducing title of the fourth: Live Free and Die Hard), it is to the original we must turn in search of mind-blowing action. Bruce Willis still has hair, Alan Rickman has never seen a wand, and the villains are all German; it ticks all the boxes. Furthermore, it contains quite simply the best line ever spoken in movie or possibly world history: “Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker!” Now while the producers pussied out and covered the offending last word with gunfire in the latest instalment, it is present in all three other films. Amusingly, it translates as “Here eat this” in Urdu. Deep. Right I realise I haven’t said a single thing about the actual movie but there is method in my madness because a) most of you will have seen it, it’s fucking great and if you haven’t you can’t possibly be worth reaching out to you pinko-liberal communist bastard and b) if you hadn’t seen it you’ll have rushed out to buy it when you heard the title. Either that or you’re still laughing at Snakes on a Plane.
Awesomeness: 5
Violence: 4

Tango and Cash
I could have put pretty much any Sylvester Stallone film here (including his early porn offerings), they’re all terrible. However I’ve gone for Tango and Cash as it fills the need within all men for a slightly homoerotic buddy movie. Basically two cops (with totally contrasting styles, Starsky and Hutch anyone?) are causing too many problems for a drug lord, who goes to the trouble of framing them for murder, instead of simply killing them. All kinds of comedy action and sister-fucking occurs as they escape and seek revenge. It’s terrible. Please don’t watch it. Seriously, it’s got Kurt Russell. He puts a grenade down a guy’s pants, kicks him down some stairs and then quips. Oh god.
Awesomeness: 0
Violence: 3

It’s ARNIE TIME! While that isn’t a line from the actual film, it may as well be, seeing as that basically sums up the plot. Commando is so set on killing off more evildoers than there are people that vote BNP that the tender relationship between John Matrix (why do action film writers think maths/computer jargon makes for good character names) and his daughter is established primarily through a rather brief montage. This is good, however, as it allows more time for over a hundred deaths and most importantly, for the trademark Arnie one-liner, including gems such as: “Don’t disturb my friend: he’s dead-tired” and “Let off some steam Bennett!” after impaling a guy with a steaming pipe. I swear that man has his own personal line-writer for all of his films. The film also includes air hostesses comically firing rocket launchers backwards, destroying more real estate than there is in all of the fake country that some idiot wants Matrix to assassinate the leader of…blah blah standard crap plot blah. The plot really is truly awful. At one point Arnie needs weaponry and happens to stumble upon a surplus store with more ex-US Army weaponry than there is in Guantanamo Bay. Later on he uses the contents of a garden shed to take out some heavily armed goons. Probably the best thing about Commando is the fact that Arnie doesn’t even aim half the time, never ducks or takes cover and yet still kills about a hundred people without taking a single hit, how badass can you get?

Awesomeness: 3
Violence: 5

That’s your fill of man-on-man action for this week (at least for some of you), check back next week (just after Halloween, oh well maybe next year) for the good-old fashioned horror film.

To read Part One in our Man Movie odyssey, written by our very own Reviews Editor Rob Smith, click here.