Jess Murray

I’d let Nick Griffin fart in my bedroom, at least once.

BNP griffin nick Nick Griffin Question Time race racism

If, in the manner of the archetypal joke, a stranger knocking at your door announced themselves as a wonky eyed pig, the punchline would almost definitely be Nick Griffin. There’s no doubt about it, if I had the choice between sucking his dick or the elephant man’s, i’d rather swallow the latter. In all honesty, I think I’d rather sleep with an actual pig – unlike the alternative, at least I’d probably be left with some stomach acid inside of me afterwards. Pigs stink only of shit, but Griffin stinks of bile and shit, and there’s nothing worse than those 4am toilet trips (after a dodgy night at the Mahal) where you find yourself emptying the contents of your stomach on top of the contents of your own bowels.

On Thursday, Nick Griffin will appear on Question Time in one of the most controversial BBC moves of the last few years. As you are all – or should be – aware of, there has been a lot of  debate over the last week following this decision. Now, I’m not a politics student, but if a cunt-rag like Griffin is being given a platform for his opinions, then I can’t see any reason why I can’t join in either.

Understandably, one of the objections against Griffin appearing on national television is that hearing him speak is equivocally as disgusting as having a tramp fart straight down your throat. More importantly, however, it has been argued that someone with views as backwards as Griffin shouldn’t be given the honor of appearing on prime time political television. Furthermore, there is understandable concern that his filth, being as mucky and stinky as it is, might soil the more gullible of the nation’s brains (particularly those who forget to position a big wad of metaphorical Andrex between them and the screen). Anon, writing in Varsity, argues that in order to stand up for our progressive libertarian values, bastards like Griffin should be gagged, silenced and thrown off boat Britannia – ironically, Griffin wants to do the same to every minority under the sun. Unless he has the same ability to brainwash the entire nation as does Derren Brown, I don’t see Griffin’s spew of bigotry as having the potential to harm our country. And look, lets be honest, even Brown couldn’t do that. I was about as stuck to my chair as much as Stephen Hawking can moonwalk.

If you’ve ever come home drunk at 4am and are unfortunate enough not to be blessed with Sky, Virgin, or even Freeview, you’re gonna find yourself eating a poorly made slice of toast in front of a show made by, and for, disabled kids. Either that, or your remotes got jammed on the Community Channel. Now I’m sure you’ve got nothing against the concept of such shows. Sure, the children mostly talk about craft, coloring and handheld percussion instruments – but Nick Griffin’s brain works so far outside commonly accepted social norms that I find it hard to differentiate between him from the subject of such kids. (Apart from the fact that Griffin was never born with a soul). But to sum up my point, in the same way you wouldn’t take a diagnosis from a 4 year old dressed up as doctor seriously, if you’ve got at least a scrap of sanity you’d look at Griffin in the same light. And if you don’t, you’d probably vote Tory anyway.

Being somewhat patriotic, I also find the notion of ‘preventing’ Griffin from ‘affecting’, or ‘insulting’ the nation almost insulting. Are we really so gullible and sensitive that we take what this man says seriously? Sure, if your dad turned round to you and said, ‘look son, you’re black, think it’s time you packed your bags, and, ya know, left home’, it would be odd if you didn’t go and have a little cry in the toilet. But who the hell is “Nick Griffin” anyway, other than some insecure chubby prick who just happened to find another 12,000 people with even more pitiful existences, who also happened to be thick enough to follow his bigotry. If I stuck a post on gumtree claiming I had just turned 21, with fucking massive tits, and was willing – and could – cure both mental and physical ailments via the power of orgasm, I reckon my following would outnumber the BNPs in a matter of days; there will always be people out there who’ll believe anything. Griffin’s a loner, a loser, and an almost universally hated man. I find his vile spew disgusting, ridiculous and as a normal human being, incomprehensible. But if you let yourself get offended by such a beast, then perhaps its time you looked to yourself and started knowing you’re worth a whole damn more than whatever he’s got to say.

If we consider the alternative – of refusing Griffin access to the public’s awareness and consciousness – this is perhaps a far more dangerous route. Not only, as many others have argued, would this risk turning a dumb, deluded fuck into some martyr of free speech, but I believe it would prevent what I see as a positive affect of Griffin’s appearance occurring. If you read last week’s article, I used a fascinating hypothetical situation regarding mass suicide via gas to prove my point, and I’m now going to do the same again. Imagine a sack. That’s right, just like the ones you’d have to stick your legs in when going down a fun fair slide in abeyance of some gypsy religious code. On that sack is a big, shiny, gold label that rolls both the allure of gold, and reduced priced Taste The Difference ready meals into one. On it is written, “A better England”. If I’d had a few glasses of wine on top of a bad day, I’m sure as hell I’d stick my hand in that sack. And I’d be sure as hell glad this situation was hypothetical, because that sack is filled with snakes, used syringes, and 2.5 litres of coagulated discharge sourced from a multitude orifices. If we don’t expose Griffin and his sad little party for the filth they really are – which, hopefully, Jack Straw, Bonnie Greer, and every other member of the audience, will do – there is more risk that the more uninformed of the nation will sadly be fooled by his spine chilling propaganda. To expose these lies, publicity must be given, and I see it as our duty to do that.

So if you are against this sad little man appearing on TV tonight I would argue that somewhere along the lines you are siding with one of the following views: 1. Griffin has legitimate sense; 2. the British are so dumb as to believe him; 3. people shouldn’t be made aware of how bad Griffin’s bile smells.  That being said, I go back to my original sentiments on little Nicky, and argue that perhaps the only justifiable reason to not put Griffin in front of  the nation’s sofas is because it’s as disgusting and off-putting as socializing with students from St. Johns. But if its going to disgust you that much, you can always close your eyes, mute the tv and get a mate to read the subtitles aloud.