Turd Class Honours

Girton students have been banned from Emma Bar, after FAECES was found in a passage nearby.

Alasdair Pal

The whole of Girton have been sensationally banned from Emma Bar, after FAECES was found in a passage nearby.

It’s one thing to say a rival college is crap – but this is another thing altogether.

The turd, thought to be the work of the Girton Girth Parade (GGP), the college’s fresher drinking society, was discovered by shocked students and porters, who were forced to clean up the sticky mess.

One student, Declan Clancy, told The Tab: “It stung the nostrils.

“I struggled to sleep afterwards – I couldn’t believe that someone could do something so sick.”

When asked if he had a message for the GGP, brave Declan simply said: “I only hope that you know what you did.”

It is then alleged that members of the college went on a vigilante mission, kicking out Girtonites from the bar.

An innocent student was told by a barman: “Get out – you lot are a menace!”

This is not the first time the provincial backwater has been in the news. Earlier this year, onlookers were stunned to see three members of Girton in a passionate tryst – in the middle of their own bar.

The two incidents form the basis of much of the conversation at swaps, with certain members openly BOASTING about their sordid deeds.

One girl, a member of a female society, said of a recent encounter at the Mahal:  “We were disgusted.

“They wouldn’t shut up about the dump and the threesome.

“It was like being made to watch Two Girls One Cup over and over again – totally embarrassing.”


Whilst Emma were quick to pooh-pooh the incident, in the past Girton top-brass have slammed the actions of the college’s booze clubs.

Andrew Jeffries, Senior Tutor, said their behaviour was “abhorrent”, and added that that the college would deal “severely” with drunken antics.

It is unknown whether the feud will lead to a new rivalry between the two colleges: Girton already have their hands full, donning togas and battling Jesus on Caeserian Sunday.

But with the mess made by this story, it looks more than likely.