This is who should’ve won the SU elections based purely on their campaign music videos

Are you like me and have listened to the same songs on your Spotify playlists too much? Fear not, this year’s SU candidates have got your sorted with their eclectic range of music videos promoting their campaigns.

Covid has got in the way of them cornering you on Woodland Road as you desperately try and get to your lecture, but this year the SU hopefuls have not only taken to aggressively following absolutely anyone with “Bristol” in their bio, lots of them have released campaign music videos.

The election concluded last Friday and you can find out all the actual results here. However, this is who really deserved to be elected and who should be ejected based purely on their magnificent campaign videos.

Charles Crow – ‘The Greatest Crow’

Inspired by “The Greatest Show”, Charles Crow conjures his inner Hugh Jackman for a catchy and entertaining two minutes as he repeatedly tells you he’s the “greatest crow!”, his singing in places may also remind you of one.

You’re not going to come away knowing any real policies. I’ve watched it at least 10 times now and all I can remember is something about SU takeover nights – absolutely no idea what that is. To Crow’s credit, you aren’t really listening to the policies because of the excellent  dancing. I’ve learned at least ten new moves I can’t wait to try out on the 21^st June.

Unfortunately, despite the clear heart and soul that was put into this performance, our verdict is the same as the vote turnout: EJECT.

Jenny Herring – ‘Jenny from the Block’

Jenny Herring has either got mad bars or she’s spent a lot of time on rhyme generator websites. Whatever the case, I rate it.

“Ain’t been sports this year

Wellbeing and exercise suffered here

Everybody’s mad at Boris and his tiers”

This is the stuff of true artists. In news that will shock absolutely no one, Jenny raps about the hallowed bus pass to Coombe Dingle that we are promised every year before effortlessly handing over the chorus to Jennifer Lopez to sing “Jenny from the Block”.

This being England where we don’t have “blocks”, Jenny leans quite heavily into the “don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got” lyric so the last 30 seconds are just various shots of rocks being picked up and put back down again.

Despite falling short in the actual election, our verdict is: ELECT

Ifrah Farooq – ‘WAP’

Ifrah has very modestly described herself as “future prime minister” and with this performance she may very well be. Just think of all the embarrassing shite Boris Johnson has done. Ifrah is playing a smart game to get to the top because, make no mistakes about it, this is an incredibly cringeworthy, but shareable, watch.

The best moment in the video comes after 16 seconds when a confused passer-by turns to look at the camera in a sort of “what is going on here expression?” – I haven’t got a clue either. You may have her tagline “Lets get farooqy” ingrained in your brain for the rest of your life, but I guess it proves it’s catchy.

Congratulations to Ifrah for winning the election and becoming our new Union Affairs Officer. However, in this far more important contest we’re saying: EJECT.

Ruth Day – ‘Wonderwall’

Who doesn’t love Wonderwall? You can tell Ruth has run an election campaign before pulling out this crowd pleaser. Fair play for taking on a song that long as well. It’s not easy to make Student Living Officer at the SU an exciting topic for three and a half minutes.

Admittedly the chorus slightly butchers Noel Gallagher’s work:

‘Go, go, go

Vote Ruth for SLO’

Re-elected for a second year as Student Living Officer, we’re also giving a positive verdict: ELECT

Pippa Adamthwaite-Cook – ‘Good Ass Policy’

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion have really done well out of this SU election because it’s another cover of WAP and, perhaps controversially, I believe it’s the better of the two.

I don’t know whether it’s the slightly random dancing that’s peppered throughout the video or just the striking title but yes please I’d like some good ass policy. If only Pippa added lyrics so I could sing along.

Unfortunately it appears the majority of students didn’t actually want “Good Ass Policies” as Pippa was defeated in the election. I’m sure it will come as great consolation to Pippa that, based on her performance and powerpoint, we are saying: ELECT.

Dave Jones – ‘Wellerman’

This is the best campaign music video I’ve ever seen and I don’t even like Wellerman. The man studies Music with Innovation and that’s exactly what this video is.

The lyrics actually sound like they were written for the song and let’s be honest you can’t say that about any of the others. Also unlike the others he can sing, and I mean really sing. The chorus is made up of a five part harmony. To top it off, Kermit the Frog makes a well timed cameo appearance.

If only more people had seen this, Dave might’ve won the election. He’ll have to settle for a positive verdict from The Bristol Tab: ELECT.

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• Breaking: Bristol SU election results announced

• We vibe checked this year’s Bristol SU Election candidates so you don’t have to

• ATTENTION FRESHERS: This is a guide to all the classic Bristol clubs for June 21st