What your football team says about you

Don’t be the Chelsea fan

At uni we have to reveal many things to our new friends, one of the most defining is undeniably what club you support.

The moment is as inevitable as cheesy fries on the way home from Bunker. The moment when the truth comes spluttering out is one of fear and expectation – what will Charlie think? Will we still be friends?

The Arsenal fan:

You’re southern, probably middle-class (how else would you afford the ticket prices) and you’re in denial.

Every year is the year Arsenal will win their first Premier League title since 2004 – just ask them. As an Arsenal fan your childhood was spent being the butt of “when was the last time you won a trophy jokes” – it was a lonely sombre era.

But times have changed, 2 FA Cups, an Özil and a Sanchez later, and now you’re everywhere. But much is just the same, you all trod off to the Emirates to watch the Arsenal from your Club Level seats – where its actually possible to hear a pin drop most weekends.

The men in front of me were on a business lunch

The Chelsea fan:

You all think you’re from Chelsea, but blues fans bare closer resemblance to Vinny Jones than your average Made in Chelsea cast member.

You won’t shut up about 2012 or about Frank Lampard and you absolutely love pretending your dads supported them to avoid the digs about Abramovich. Nobody likes you Chelsea fans, but in fairness your chants are quite good.

The Liverpool fan: 

You come out of your caves every few years when, for a brief few weeks Liverpool show signs that they might be title contenders, only to disappear once you slip away.

But we don’t feel sorry for you, most of you prefer Rugby or Cricket anyway so won’t even have noticed that Liverpool finished 8th last season.

The Spurs fan: 

You’re most likely Jewish, definitely live in Hampstead or further north in London.

You love to pretend that you don’t live in Arsenal’s shadow by chatting shit and overrating Harry Kane, that is until Arsenal finish above you… again.

The Leicester fan: 

You lot are fucking heroes, God’s chosen people.

Doesn’t matter what Leicester do for the next century, we all wish we had been  you last season, even if that would mean living in Leicester.

The West Ham fan: 

You’re probably from Essex, you’re proper geezers. West Ham runs deep in your blood, your family have been hammers’ fans since jellied eels were invented.

You’re not like the fans of other London clubs, you’re proper footy fans, you represent a dying breed of 80’s football fans being priced out by increasing ticket prices.

The Man United fan: 

Most of you have disappeared since Sir Alex retired and United became a poor man’s City.

You Man United fans were really only the kids at school with inferiority complexes, who needed to support a team that won every week to make yourselves feel good. Thank fuck you’re gone.

The Man City fan: 

You won’t meet any genuine Man City fans at uni for two reasons.

Firstly, because nobody from Manchester gets in to Bristol. And secondly, because any Man City fans not from Manchester are simply the new breed of United fans – basically they haven’t reached secondary school yet.

People who support clubs like Huddersfield or Ipswich: 

Yeah you’re alternative, yes you support your local team, but it doesn’t make you a better person.

Stop reading out the Championship scores, we don’t care!

The Rugby fan: 

You could be normal and just pretend you support Swansea, but no you love Rugby and the only thing you love more than Rugby is letting everyone know how much you love Rugby.

Nobody cares how Saracens are getting on, the rest of the world doesn’t care about Rugby. Stop going on about what great hands Jamie George has for a hooker and just pretend you’re a football fan too.

Make the world an easier place to live in for the rest of us.