Life is hard when you’ve got big boobs

People are quick to assume that being larger than life in the bust department is a blessing, as if having melon-sized appendages attached to your upper body is an automatic ticket to a blissful life. But despite the perks of having big boobs, there are plenty of times where having more than a handful hands you a load of problems.

People talk about your boobs far too often

There’s a time and place for your boobs to receive the attention they deserve. If you’re wearing a plunging neckline, and people decide to acknowledge that you’ve bestowed an almighty gift upon the world by complimenting you on your bosom, then that’s perfectly acceptable, and a nice little reminder that you do indeed possess great tits. However, as much of a boost as nicely chosen words can be, there is a fine line between being complimentary and being downright creepy.

Me and my breast friends

Your boobs get stared at, even when you’re not showing any flesh

If you barely know a girl, the way to get her attention isn’t by paying all of your attention to her chest. A girl wearing a low cut top isn’t giving you permission to place your face directly in front of her breasts and make inappropriate comments repeatedly. This is even worse when I’m not intentionally flashing the goods. When you’ve got big boobs, you could wear a turtleneck and it’ll still sometimes feel like you’re wearing a huge fluorescent sign with EVERYONE GAWK AT MY BREASTS written across it. If they’re big, they’re hard to conceal. Don’t assume that we’re deliberately trying to draw attention to them, sometimes the girls just have a life of their own.

Don’t shame us if we want to wear something a bit more revealing

Wearing a low cut dress doesn’t mean you should be open to criticism from your peers. Imagine Topshop is selling a v-neck bodycon dress. On the website, a small-breasted model wears it and it looks unrevealing but fabulous. In reality, on a larger chested lady, the dress is always going to reveal far more. If a girl is confident enough with her body to wear whatever she wants in public, she shouldn’t be dragged down by her peers telling her there’s “too much on show”. After all, you don’t choose the big-boob life, it chooses you (unless, of course, you have access to a remarkably affordable surgeon).

This response to busty ladies in revealing dresses suggests that large breasts are something to be ashamed of, an embarrassing accident of nature that has resulted in two shameful appendages that must always be hidden. Surely it would be better to break the stigma and applaud someone with the confidence to wear whatever the fuck they want, whether it’s a demure blouse or a strip of material across their nipples. So instead of wasting your time warning your friend that their neckline is ‘a bit much’, treat their chest with the love it deserves and applaud those brave breasts.

I’ll decide what’s ‘a bit much’, thank you

Loose-fitting clothes are impossible to wear

Speaking of clothes, or a distinct but acceptable lack of them, fashion is the bane of many a big-boobed girl’s life. If you have big tits, you can kiss goodbye to that dream of floating around in a loose, ethereal, chiffon number. Loose clothes don’t floatily skim the body, instead, they cling to the largest point of your chest and hang down. With spring around the corner, people might be getting into the festival spirit, but nobody ever wants their body to ever resemble an actual tent.

And button-down shirts always leave you with a ‘button gape’

Additionally, if you ever want to wear a button-down shirt to get the business-ready look, think again. The button gape is the common enemy of big boobs, and although girls should feel unembarrassed by their breasts, this doesn’t mean that any of us are ready for our cleavage to play peek-a-boo in the middle of an important job interview.

Clothing sizes don’t account for big boobs

Most of us have a distinct difference between the size of our breasts and the size of the rest of our body, but unfortunately, popular clothing companies are yet to realise this. The result is that although your waist is screaming out for a size 10, you can practically hear your boobs cackling at the thought of anything below a 12. Oh, and if you successfully manage to squeeze into that tight top, good luck getting out of it. The true pain of having big boobs isn’t really felt until you’re crouched on your bedroom floor with the tatters of the £40 top you’ve had to cut yourself out of spread on the floor around you.

They’re way more painful than anyone else realises

Pain is a big part of it too. Girls can be quick to claim that they’re envious of your large bust, but would they be envious of the physical pain that comes with it? Back-ache becomes a constant component of your life, something that is entirely natural to you, like breathing or being aware of every time a Hemsworth brother has removed his shirt on Instagram.

Lying down in bed is really awkward

Once you get into bed, you have to be picky about how to relax, or you’ll face further discomfort. Enjoy sleeping on your front? Unless you’ve got a mattress with a built in tit-trench, you can think again about planking.

Big boobs stop you from doing so many simple things

Even leisure activities become hindered by your breasts. That run you want to go on? Unless you have the lycra equivalent of a straitjacket strapped across your chest, you’ll be bouncing around before you can say ‘concussion’. How about an innocent trip to a theme park? Nice try, but you’ll be distracted by the many drops threatening to expose you to groups of unsuspecting thrill seekers. Those souvenir roller-coaster photos are embarrassing enough without the added mortification of accidental nudity.

99 problems and having boobs the size of my head is all of them

Finding a shop which stocks your bra size is an impossible mission

Nudity sometimes feels like the only viable option when it comes to bra shopping, the one activity certain to enrage even the most docile of busty women. Before you even get around to thinking about the cost of your chosen boob-prison, you are first faced with the seemingly impossible task of finding a shop that stocks your bra size. The inability of mainstream clothing stores to stock anything above a DD is a sure sign society is shunning certain women, and that we’d be better off forming our own nation of big-boobed girls who are sympathetic to each other’s needs.

Even if you find a shop that sells the coveted large cup size, your next problem is finding the right band size. If you have F cups, you’d be unsurprised if the F stood for “fucked if you have a band measurement that’s smaller than 38 inches”. It’s a fair assumption that women with larger breasts are likely to have larger rib cages, but this shouldn’t lead to 30 inch ladies feeling like disproportionately sized mythical creatures who don’t deserve to wear fitting brassieres. If you ever find the perfect shop, the limited selection of bras will reignite the anger. Pretty lacy numbers are few and far between, and you’ll be charged around a million pounds to purchase something that resembles a beige sack which you can fit on your head.

Even though life is hard when you have big boobs, I wouldn’t ever trade in my cantaloupes for plums. Everyone should be unashamedly proud of their oversized breasts, and continue to try and pave the way for boob-equality in a world constructed for A-cups.