A letter to my ex, who dumped me for someone else

Do you ever sit, post-break up, thinking of things you could have said or done to make the situation any less devastating or awkward than it was? Luckily for you I have the gift of a word processor, half a brain, and the inspiration of three Bridget Jones movies to write an open letter to my ex, enlisting some advice to allow you to cope with the heartache as well as I did. Consider it a self-medicated form of counselling…

“To my Ex-Boyfriend,

Thanks to you, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I have the tee shirt – ‘I found somebody better than you’. And, as everybody who’s been in this situation knows, if I had the choice to go through it again, or opt for a kick in the teeth, I would probably go for the latter.

Throwback to a year ago and sickeningly, I was pretty loved up. We’d been going out for a couple of months and things were going well to say we were uni students. I’d met your friends and worse, I had travelled to your hometown and met your family and your cat. Talk about commitment.

But then the one-liner came out of nowhere. ‘I’m not ready for a relationship. I feel cornered’. You dropped me with no remorse.

I knew I had to get over it somehow

In hindsight, that was nothing compared to what was to come. Within a matter of days, the grapevine told me that you had a new woman on the scene. The worst thing was, you had been friends for a while, I’d even met this person. At the time, I felt naïve, worthless and pretty damn embarrassed.

But I gave it a few weeks and I got over you.

I ignored you, at all costs. Especially when you were with your new chick walking around Selly. Because quite frankly, nothing made me more want to devour a large bowl of melted chocolate and neck a gallon of wine. At a time like that, I definitely didn’t need to go up a dress size, that would not have helped my self-esteem. Let’s face it, you lived two roads away from me, the inevitable was going to happen, we were going to bump into each other. When it did happen, I would smile and be civil. I did not want to look jealous and miserable when you were waltzing your new merry love all over campus. If it floated my boat, I would upload photos on social media. That would ensure everyone knew how happy I was without you…

When my girlfriends dragged me from my pyjama-cladded slumber, I let them. They were on hand for hugs, advice, and most importantly, alcohol. When they suggested a night out on the tiles, I accepted the offer. I didn’t feel up for it but sitting in my bedroom listening to the woeful tracks of Ed Sheeran did me no favors. Who needed tissues when I had Jäger?

‘I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair’, was not a Broadway hit for nothing. As the saying goes, a new ‘do’, makes for a new you. I got a new haircut, I felt sassy and I hoped you noticed.  But no, I didn’t get a tattoo. You were a mere insignificant blip in my long, prosperous life. I wasn’t going to change for you. Self-destruction wasn’t necessary.

Look at me, I’m so happy

Although I was a mess at the time, I got over you. Blame it on the old romantic in me, but if you really were my lobster, you would only have had eyes for me. Anyway, who was I to trample all over your parade of love? I let go of my gritted teeth and bared it.

… Nah, just kidding. I felt sorry for the poor girl you landed and smiled to myself knowing that I totally dodged a bullet.

I can find someone far better than you anyway.”

Kindest regards, your former, but way better lover,

Meg.