How to nail your sassy house party clean up in Selly

We all know the feeling. You wake up the morning after a mad impromptu stuesdays with a raging headache and only one thing that can cure the queasy feeling starting to bubble inside you as last night’s Roosters refuses to settle. You need a bacon sandwich and you need it now. But there’s one thing standing in your way: the impossibility of actually cooking and eating the life-saving breakfast in your kitchen. This is because – to put it bluntly – the kitchen is a total shithole.

Do you endure the stench of stale alcohol and sludge across the sticky yellow-box covered floor to the cooker, hoping that the smell doesn’t provoke the spectacular reappearance of last night’s chicken strips? Or do you escape altogether and fork out a fiver for a Selly Sausage, leaving the problem for future-you to solve?

No. It’s time you took a stand and learnt how to clean up like the goddamn adult you tell your parents you are. And The Tab is here to help you.

Get the bangers on

Because you can’t clean without Beyonce in the background.

Make sure you prep is good

The biggest mistake you can make as part of your clean-up is not prepping. Before any house party or night out, it is essential to make sure that you’re fully equipped for the big clean the following morning. Sounds boring, but makes everything a whole lot easier. This means you’re going to need to stock up on bin-liners, rubber gloves, spray, bin-bags, and – perhaps most unexpectedly – plastic cups.

With the new Poundland round the corner, there’s no excuse not to have a steady flow of plastic cups at any pres, and not to do so is perhaps cardinal clean-up sin number one. This is because…

Pre’s? I’m prepped.

You should bin (almost) everything

See? Unless you’re blessed with a dishwasher the size of a small room, plastic cups (and bin-liners) are a godsend because it means the majority of the mess is bin-able.

Beer bottles? Bin. Plastic cups? Bin. Leftover take away? However tempting it might be on an empty stomach, just bin it.

Realistically, you should be binning everything except leftover vodka. Nobody is going to come back for that half-drunk lemonade, so just chuck it. You’ll see the difference almost immediately, and to be honest, most of the work is done by this point.

What do you mean you threw away my bottle of fanta?

Spray sticky surfaces while singing Nicki Minaj’s verse in ‘Monster’

Pretty self-explanatory, this one. You don’t want to eat your bacon sandwich off someone’s spilt Malibu. Spray and wipe away with all the aggression of the rap goddess on this furious track.

If you can be arsed, mop the floor. It’s not crucial, but it’ll honestly do wonders for the smell and overall look of the room. And let’s face it, it’s probably been about four months since it was last mopped, so really you might as well get it over with now.

Boss Level: The vomit

By now you should be feeling pretty chuffed with yourself. Everything has been cleared away, the surfaces are clean, and you’ve even mopped the floor. You could almost smell your bacon sandwich if it wasn’t for the awful stench coming from the bottom floor bathroom.

Yep, you guessed it – someone vommed. At this point, you have one of three options.

If it’s in the toilet, flush and bleach, done in two minutes. If it’s not in the toilet, and you have your suspicions as to who it was, leave them passive aggressive whatsapps until they drag themselves out of bed to deal with it (Note: this has a limited success rate, but is worth a shot). Your last resort, I’m afraid to say, is scooping and scrubbing. Even we can’t help you.

At this point, we recommend investing in some Febreze. It’s the only thing that’s going to get you through this hangover.

Get yourself to Selly Sausage – you deserve it

There you have it. Now get the kettle on and eat that bacon butty. Oh, and remember to pick up plastic cups for next week.