If you see any of these things in a boy’s lounge, run for the hills

DJ decks are a RED FLAG

8 months ago | UPDATED 6 months ago

We’ve spoken before about warning sign items in boy’s bedrooms and bathrooms. But once you’re semi-past the hook up stage and careening towards the toxic situationship arena, there’s another room you’ll start hanging out in with this man, too: the lounge. A thin layer of grime over the fireplace, an Elf bar graveyard in the corner, bags of limp Whey protein littered behind one arm chair. Forget fairy lights and a decorative pillow— babes, you’re in the trenches.

But not all Mojo Dojo Casas are created equal. No, there are certain items in a boy’s lounge that tell you instantly he’s going to break your heart. Big run for the hills energy. So, in case you’re wondering whether the guy you spent Sunday night curled up next to on the sofa is about to kiss your forehead and ghost you forever, here are all the very specific items that hint you’re getting with a glaring red flag:

A Netflix account that still has a profile for their ex

Who’s watching? Netflix asks. James or Emily? They’ve been broken up for more than a year and he’s hanging out with you. But, still, you can see she’s on the sixth season of her Friends re-watch and has a fascination with true-crime documentaries. Fundamentally, if he’s still letting her scrounge off his £6.99 a month subscription— he’s. not. over. her. Leg it.

Football flags and scarves fucking everywhere

Yes, any literal flags are red ones metaphorically. Why is an adult man making his walls look like the inside of a sports bar? If the lounge is covered you should be too. Don’t sleep with him. Don’t say his FC scarf collection is cute. Just lace up your trainers and move quicker than Kyle Walker.

DJ decks

Ok Fred Again, pack it up. You should have known things were going downhill when his mates started asking you on the walk home from the pub whether you were “excited for Theo’s set later”. Now you’ve been sat staring at the wall for the last (minimum) 30 minutes or (maximum) four hours while he hits a Pioneer pad over and over again, occasionally glancing round to see if you’re impressed. Nobody wants that. Nobody.

A (or many) dirty plate(s)

One cursory glance around the lounge and you’ll almost certainly clap eyes on a sad little white plate covered in crumbs and congealed ketchup. Protein shakers used both for the gym and as normal water bottles (why not buy a normal glass?!) are also festering all over the shop. Gross.

White lighting, no lamp, windows with no curtains

It’s so fucking bright in there it feels like you’re at the dentist or about to be questioned by the authorities. These men have absolutely never heard of soft mood lighting and they don’t care to know. Windows also, bizarrely, have absolutely no blinds or curtains. Love feeling like an animal at the zoo for the whole street while watching the Apprentice. Ogle away!

A stained sofa that has SEEN things

There are suspicious splodges all over the cushions and his ratty little throw blanket is so crusty you could snap it in half. Don’t spend another second sat (or shagging) here unless you want to contract something that will baffle modern medicine.

A Lost Mary/Elf Bar graveyard

Not even the UK’s biggest landfill heap has as many disposable vapes piled up in a proud mound as a red flag boy’s lounge. Drawers of them. Buckets. In ranging flavours, colours and forms. Is this hoarding? Where does it end? Why did it start? Will almost certainly have a stash of mystery bags left behind at afters somewhere in an unsuspecting drawer, too. He has a problem.

The Wolf of Wall Street on DVD

He thinks he’s Jordan Belfort and it’s embarrassing. And a physical DVD? Seriously? In 2023?

House mates who don’t acknowledge your existence

These guys are never not on the sofa but you’ve never heard more than a grunt from them and never will. Call it quits while you can. Get out of the boyfriend air and back to your own house.