If you see any of these items in a boy’s bathroom, run and never look back

Here’s the deal: You go home with a boy, his bedroom is hoovered, he has more than one pillow and remarkably clean sheets. Win. You get down to business and afterwards, inevitably, for fear of thrush, need to pee. And that’s when you discover it— the bathroom that belongs in a Swedish prison. Dirty pants on the floor, a toilet last cleaned in 1998, and a fossilised Glade air freshener perched optimistically on the window sill. Horror.

But not all hovels are created equal. No. Some bathrooms should have you running for the hills so fast you forget your left shoe. So, in case you’re wondering whether the guy you’ve just left in bed is a wrongen, here are all of the very specific items that hint you’re shagging a glaring red flag:

2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner

He has one self care product and this is it. Thick as tar and essentially free of fragrance, you’re never going to run your hands through this man’s hair and think “wow”. At best, this could be a sign he’s thrifty (stingy). At worst, this means he’s lazy and dull. The worst part is, if things get serious, you’re going to use this stuff on your hair three times a week. But if you leave your Olaplex there, he will use it. Make it make sense?!

An empty loo roll still in the holder

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Where’s the drive? Where’s the ambition? Where’s the bare minimum level of initiative? All of the actually usable loo roll will be scattered across the floor. Or, for some unexplainable reason, positioned on the other side of the room where you’re unable to reach it. Good luck waddling from one end of the bathroom to the other with your trousers round your knees without stepping on his housemate’s dirty boxers. Yum.

Tingly mint shower gel

Men always own this Original Source special but whenever you ask them to put it on their balls they say no. Boring. From what I’ve gathered, having tingly mint shower gel is essentially the cosmetic toxic male equivalent of getting extra hot chicken at Nando’s. They’re not enjoying themselves but hoping everyone else is impressed. Sad x

A basket ball hoop opposite the toilet

Look, we all like fun and games but how many hours is this man on the toilet that he needs an entertainment device permanently installed opposite his loo? It’s hinting that he has no hobbies or plans other than defecating and scoring hoops and that, I’m afraid, is not a club you want to join.

An aggressively chewed up toothbrush

Why so angry???

A beer can next to the sink

They say men can’t multitask but this one seems to have somehow mastered the skill of brushing his teeth and sipping San Miguel at the same time. Dentists the world over are stunned by the counterproductive ingenuity. Either that or, you know, he had a house party three months ago and still hasn’t cleared the aftermath up.

Navy towels and a saturated bath mat

Every drying device this man owns is sat in a wet festering clump on the towel rail. From flannels to bath mats, it all smells like swamp and will almost certainly give you shingles if you so much as look at it. Best option is to try dry yourself with his hoodie when he’s not looking and never, ever, return.

Rusty razor

He either can’t grow a beard or enjoys hacking at his face. Either explanation is scary. Will also, inevitably, leave tiny black hairs from using said razor all over his sink. At some point, you’ll get desperate and use this tiny blunt axe on your arm pits only to immediately require a Tetanus jab. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Make up remover

I’m sorry to break it to you but if this man has micellar water and cotton pads ready for your use at the drop of a hat—  he is a hoe. Many woman has passed this threshold. You won’t even be the only one this week. Ditto if he has a ready selection of spare toothbrushes at the ready. Wave goodbye to something serious and hello to the hotation.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• If you see any of these items in a boy’s room, leave immediately

• 27 things you’ll find in every basic girl’s uni room

• Quiz: Is this bedroom from your uni’s halls or a prison?