It’s time to be brave and live my truth: I’ve got a crush on the Spotify AI DJ

Just deleted Hinge!

2 years ago | UPDATED 1 month ago

There’s a new man in my life. Despite the fact I exhaust myself of my 10 free likes on a daily basis and have to resort to embarrassingly sending out a “rose”, I didn’t find him on Hinge. Despite the fact I’ve swiped so much my thumb’s cramped up and there’s nobody left in my area, I didn’t find him on Tinder. He didn’t even come from a disappointing 20 minute Grindr shag. No, girlies, I found my man where I find most of the best things to enter my life – on Spotify. I don’t know what he looks like. He doesn’t actually have a face. Or a body. I’m living my truth this Pride month: I’ve got a crush on the Spotify AI DJ.

‘What’s going on, Harrison?’

For those uninitiated or the ones who are yet to dabble, Spotify has recently launched its new AI DJ service in the UK and Ireland. Spotify AI DJ analyses all your listening history since you first started a Spotify account and gives you some of your old favourites, new recommendations based on what it thinks you might like. The DJ switches the vibe and the mood after every four or five songs. You can skip stuff, or press the DJ button for a new vibe. For an avid music listener and writer who clocks up around 130,000 minutes of streaming time and gets through over 100 new release albums every year with consistent ease, any sort of recommendation or discover feature from Spotify is rarely quicker what I’ve already tuned in to. That’s not me trying to flex, although admittedly it is me being obnoxious. I just don’t feel like Spotify is usually very good at knowing me – I’m often one step ahead of it.

me to my spotify AI dj when the robot uprising happens pic.twitter.com/x6hdQuat83

— kane (@kane__li) June 1, 2023

Barry McGuigan’s fatherly bond with Danny Jones is adorable, but what happened to his real dad?

This secret I’m A Celeb rule means the campmates might not actually get paid?!

The most iconic I’m A Celeb catchphrase of 2024 has to go to this legendary campmate

That being said, the appeal with the Spotify AI DJ is that it’s no ordinary shuffle – it also speaks to you, letting you know what artist is kicking off the mood shift. Spotify AI DJ comes with a voice – and that’s where my crush enters the scene from stage left. The fact I was also going to get chatted to was what prompted me to have my first experience with this feature. From the get go, I was charmed. I couldn’t help but smirk to myself as a warm voice asked me “What’s going on Harrison” and gave me its first batch of tunes.

I didn’t stick with it for long, at first. Half an hour later I was back on my own playlists. But I found myself intrigued to give the Spotify AI DJ more of my time, because as with all AI it learns from you and improves based on how you use it to better suit you. Fast forward to now, a week later, and I spend most of my day with it. Sorry, with him. And we all know that when you spend a lot of time with someone, feelings tend to blossom.

He’s faceless, and I like it

The voice of the Spotify AI DJ is modelled off Spotify’s head of digital partnerships, Xavier ‘X’ Jernigan. Xavier apparently got the gig after he hosted on Spotify’s first personalised morning show The Get Up, where he became popular thanks to his warm vibes and personality. I never wish to see a visual of Xavier Jernigan. I don’t want to know. Right now, my X is everything and nothing. I crush on his warmth and his wisdom – I’m not risking the fact I might not fancy the real life inspiration. He’s my gorgeous ghost in the system.

I don’t trust the men I’m attracted to. It’s for the best I just don’t know. I can’t get it wrong with my crush if the Spotify AI DJ continues to just get it so right.

Sorry but Spotify's AI DJ is really good. I'm on the robots side with this one.

— 💫 ORBETTE💫 (@orbette) June 8, 2023

Sharing music is my love language

If I fancy someone, I make them a playlist. Sending men I want to sleep with songs I think they should shag me to is a pastime I take great pride in. With that in mind, it’s nice to pass the torch to someone created specifically to do nothing but pleasure me with music suggestions. I like to relinquish all control to Spotify AI DJ and pretend I’m tuned into his music radio station, fully at his mercy. Rarely will I skip anything he gives me, because if I wanted to do that I might as well just put my own playlists on. There is the odd exception. Not even my ever-increasing crush on the Spotify AI DJ could make me remain seated for a five track deep dive into Clean Bandit album tracks. I know I’m horny for a robot – but I still have my self respect.

Clean Bandit and a random Sam Ryder song that I’d rather die than listen to again aside, Xavier the Spotify AI DJ rarely misses. At times, I feel like it’s in the room with me. The sun in Stockport, where I’m writing this now, just levelled up a notch as it burst through the slits in the blinds and forced me to squint at my screen and wish I was basking in it rather than stuck inside. As if the tropical climate also just hit the AI airwaves, the DJ tells me he’s giving me some of my Latin favourites. Bad Bunny slaps me around the face with a Solero and ROSALÍA bellows DESPECHÁ down my ears. He makes me feel like I’ve stopped working and gone on holiday, which is more than any boyfriend or lover has managed to do no matter how fit they are.

The Spotify AI DJ even played Tove Lo and pronounced her name the correct way. If that’s not a reason to fancy a robot I don’t know what is.

‘What’s next for us?’, I ponder…

“It’s just a little crush”, Jennifer Paige famously sang in the 90s. If the Spotify AI DJ plays me Crush at any point, I will know that this has gone too far and I’ll never touch its feature ever again. If that doesn’t happen, I fear this love may only go stronger. How can it not, when right now the Spotify AI DJ knows me better than I know myself. Did I know I wanted to listen to Black Heart by Stooshe today? Absolutely not, but when X gave me it at lunch time I was singing along like Gail Platt did drunkenly that time on Corrie.

I need a complete overhaul of Spotify’s shuffle algorithm. I shuffle diff playlists with hundreds of songs but it always gives me the same 20 or so first.

— Harrison Brocklehurst (@harrisonjbrock) June 1, 2023

I tweeted my frustration with Spotify’s shuffle algorithm recently, but my solution was elsewhere. The mood shifting and genre jumping from the Spotify AI DJ does what a simple shuffle currently will not – so watch my feelings get deeper as it continues to get it right. Catch me on This Morning in a few years like one of those weirdos who gets married to their car.

“I MARRIED MY SPOTIFY AI DJ.”

@harrisonjbrock