31 things you only know if you’ve lived with a Tory at uni
No.7: They will forever insist they’re not a Tory
We’ve all had the misfortune of living with at least one Tory whilst at uni – think that one housemate who exclusively wears flares and signet rings, and has all round massive Made In Chelsea energy.
The uni Tory is an enigma: They’re from the countryside but pretend to be from London, minted but spend all their money on drugs, will always order the Uber home but will also note down every single penny you owe them.
These are all the things you’ll only know if you’ve lived with a Tory at uni – and if you have, I am so, so sorry:
1. All their kitchen stuff is Le Creuset
Don’t even THINK about asking to borrow their pan, because the answer will always be a very firm “no”.
2. They literally have no idea how to look after themselves
Cooking? Never heard of her. Putting a wash on? “At home we just take it all to the dry cleaners”.
3. If they’re a girl, they will wear flares whenever you guys go out anywhere
What is it about posh girls and their uniform of flares, chunky trainers and bandeau tops?
4. If they’re a boy, it’s the same but with a shirt
Pub? Shirt. Nando’s? Shirt. Rank and sweaty SU club? Shirt. It’s ALWAYS from Ralph Lauren, too.
5. They shop exclusively at Waitrose
“Babe trust me, these artichoke hearts are sooooo essential!”
6. There will be some very heated house debates
You’re at uni, so inevitably at least one of your housemates is still in love with Jeremy Corbyn. This will not mix well with the Tory housemate, and you can guarantee there will be some VERY intense debates after one too many pints.
7. But they will forever insist they’re “not a Tory!!!”
Massive Alfie Deyes energy. I don’t even need to say anything else.
8. They suggest paying for a cleaner instead of just making a cleaning rota
Look, the cleaning rota is a longstanding university tradition. It has existed for quite literally thousands of years, and that is a fact you can quote me on. But for some reason your Tory housemate will try to forego the sacred art of the cleaning rota, and instead try to force you all to PAY someone else to come and clean for you? Of course, you will all shut this suggestion down verrrry quickly.
9. You don’t have to get any subscriptions because their parents already pay for them all
Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, they have it all – and, lucky for you, they brought a TV to uni, which is in the living room with all websites conveniently already logged in for your viewing pleasure.
10. They will have an annoying laugh
I don’t know what it is but every Tory I have ever encountered has the most awful laugh. The kind of laugh that makes you eat the emergency snacks you keep in your bedroom instead of just making actual food when you’re hungry, because they’re the only person in the kitchen and you just do not have the mental or physical strength to listen to it right now.
11. They spend quite literally all their money on ket
Also ciggies and coke, but ket seems to be their drug of choice.
12. They own at least seven things from the John Lewis ‘student essentials’ list
A Nespresso machine, three different kinds of vegetable peelers and a yoga mat carrier (not the mat, the carrier) are all personal highlights of the list.
13. They claim to have no money but then mention their savings account with thousands of pounds in it
A girl I know once said to me she was “so poor at the moment” because she was “down to triple digits” in her current account.
14. They’re only on weird sports societies, like hockey
You lowkey thought lacrosse was some kind of illness until you came to uni, but they’ve been playing matches every weekend for the last decade.
15. They don’t even have a student loan
Their parents pay their tuition fees straight to the uni, and send them a weekly direct debit to cover all their food (read: ket).
16. They frequently talk about their childhood horse riding lessons
Even worse if they never grew out of the horse girl stage, and are always trying to show you the photos their mum sends of their family horse.
17. They still call their parents “mummy and daddy”
It will never fail to make you shudder when you hear them on the phone to home.
18. Their shampoo is always your number one choice for stealing
Yours cost £1.50 and makes your hair feel like straw; theirs smells like heaven and can only be bought from one specific salon in Chelsea.
19. They don’t know how to use an oven that isn’t an Aga
Teaching a grown adult how to turn the oven on is an experience no one should ever have to go through.
20. They’re always the one to call the Uber home after a night out
Someone will ask who’s ordering it, and no one will even respond because you all know the resident Tory has it covered. Their account’s linked to their dad’s card, anyway.
21. But they’re also the first person to notice when you’ve nabbed some of their food
“Hi hun can you pls transfer me 37p for the slice of my bread you had? It was my special one from the bakery x”
22. They brought their car to uni
This is most likely a Mini Cooper, but you’re not complaining – it means they’ll always take you to the supermarket, so you never have to lug your shopping bags home on the bus.
23. You never see them over the uni holidays because they’re always abroad
Every time they post an Insta it’s in a new, exotic location. This is because they still go on all their family holidays, which occur at least four times a year, but tbh can you even blame them when their parents literally pay for it all – who would turn that down?
24. A new parcel arrives for them on the daily
As soon as you move in you REALLY regret taking the ground floor bedroom, because you’re the one who has to get up and answer the door when their second Deliveroo of the day and fifth ASOS order of the week arrive.
25. They never shut up about how they’re moving to London the second they graduate
Their dad’s sorted them with a grad scheme in recruitment, and their mum’s got a flat “in town” – she’s kicking her tenants out so Araminta can move in.
26. You can never do rounds in the pub with them
Instead of just asking for what the cheapest pint is, like everyone else, they will only drink craft beer or some ridiculously expensive cocktail.
27. You don’t know who any of their home friends are, because they all have weird nicknames
Monty, Figgy and Binks – how are these all actual people?
28. Halfway through the year they let slip their secret second home
It will be somewhere like Cornwall, the Alps or southern Portugal, and they will never let you come and stay.
29. For some reason they will always refuse to buy meal deals
No one, and I repeat, no one, is too good for a meal deal.
30. You never need to buy clothes, you can just wear theirs
Their wardrobe is more extensive than the ASOS new in page, so you never need to bother planning an outfit for a night out or finding fancy dress for a weird social – you can just raid their room.
31. They always get you banging birthday presents
Even if it’s only alcohol it will always be the good kind, never just a £5 Echo Falls.