Just a list of the most unessential items from the essential Waitrose range

Flageolet beans – as essential as oxygen


Ah Waitrose, the bastion of everything that is so painfully middle class. 99 per cent of its customers voted to remain in the EU because, not only is it going to be awfully hard to get to their silly beaut chateau in the South of France this summer, but if imports of houmous dry up there will be hell to pay.

What is deemed essential to the Waitrose-goers of this world is a real insight into the lives of the privileged. And in a world filled with so much poverty and suffering, it is vital that we rinse middle-class people for putting such importance on foods like halloumi and pâté.

I honestly don’t even know what some of these things are.

Sweet piccalilli, AKA mushed up cauliflower, onion, and gherkin in a jar

I had to google what this was, so it’s unessential by default.

Essential Rating: 2/10

Absolutely crucial coley portions (me neither)

I would love to see the market research that led to the introduction of these fishy choc ices.

Essential Rating: 1/10

Salad cress – “Grown with care for the environment by farmers who share our values”

This is literally the meltiest thing I’ve ever seen in a supermarket. People who buy this will be the first to go when the dead rise up to kill us all.

Essential Rating: 4/10

Coconut milk, stored inside a tin rather than an actual coconut

We get it, you found yourself in Thailand and became a vegan. Good luck pretending to enjoy something so impressively rank.

Essential Rating: 6/10

Cypriot halloumi, made with the milk of a cow, goat and a ewe

For those of us who have made some quirky vegetarian friends at uni and have to cater for them at the summer barbecue.

Essential Rating: 5/10

Strawberry trifle, for dessert when you host your dinner party in 1955, decorated with “stabilised cream”

Only the kids in The Famous Five used to eat trifle and they’re probably all dead by now.

Essential Rating: 4.5/10

British beef sirloin steaks, reared with care, that Waitrose really don’t want you to steal

You wouldn’t steal a car. You wouldn’t steal a handbag. You wouldn’t steal essential sirloin steaks when they’re security protected.

Essential Rating: 6/10

Artichoke hearts, ripped from the chests of scorned artichoke boys

People like us, we don’t need that much, just someone that starts the spark in our artichoke hearts.

Essential Rating: 5/10

You better finish your gnocchi, Oliver, or there will be no crème brûlée for dessert

Nearly as essential as the ‘g’ at the start of the word, morons.

Essential Rating: 5.5/10

Avocados – “Smooth texture, for use in salads or as a decorative starter”

So 2017 it hurts.

Essential Rating: 6.5/10


I know this one will be hard to take, but you could almost certainly live without houmous. On the other hand, why risk it.

Essential Rating: 3/10

Large wine glasses, four of them

Are four friends essential as well?…

Are four friends essential as well?…

Mummy needs a large glass of white after all this shopping.

Essential Rating: 8/10

Pâté from two different regions of Belgium

If it’s got an accent it’s definitely not essential. Come on guys, this is pretty basic stuff.

Essential rating: 2/10

Four different types of cheese for all your cheeseboard needs

To be fair, how on Earth is one expected to entertain properly when Lucinda and Russell come round for dinner without an adequately stocked cheese board?

Essential rating: 5/10

Stuffed green olives, I carry a jar with me at all times

Why would you subject yourself to these gross eyeballs of middle-class satanism. Is pretending to understand and enjoy rugby not enough? There are so many other great foods out there, I’m sure Harry and George won’t be totes bummed out if you don’t tuck in to an olive or four when you’re all knocking back a Peroni after a good squash sesh.

Essential rating: 3/10

Toffee and apple yum yums

If you need to let everyone know that you mentally about four years old then yeah, these are pretty essential. Onomatopoeic treats are the most Waitrose thing that has ever happened.

Essential rating: 1/10

Flageolet beans

Separating the truly middle class from the pretenders by testing how much of your French GCSE you remember.

Essential rating: 2.5/10