There are 11 types of Tory at your uni right now, but which one are you?
Bet you’re the Tory in denial
The first lesson of uni is: everyone is not who they say they are. Your new course friend from London is definitely from Kent. Your housemate with the NutriBullet is definitely not working class. And btw, no one's actually done drugs before uni, including you my friend.
A fact you will come to discover quickly is that there are Tories lurking everywhere. They come in all shapes and sizes. Chances are you’re sat next to a Tory right now. You’ll be able to tell because they won’t find this article funny one bit. If you do decide you would rather avoid them than join them, here is a list of every single one on campus:
The Woke Tory
You’ll often overhear them in conversation, trying to convince others being vegan is really cheap and that poor people are really just lazy. The Woke Tory is the type of Tory to defend animal rights to their death but when the conversation shifts to race matters, suddenly they lose their voice. Their concern for the environment seems perfidious when they fly to holiday destinations eight times a year.
Perpetually tanned, they wear brands like Carhartt or vintage Dickies. The Woke Tory girls wear loads of silver rings stacked on their fingers and a nose ring. If it's a guy, they'll have a “just been to the beach” vibe about them.
They refer to themselves as a centrist, but don't want mummy and daddy's fortunes to be taken away. So they'll never admit they vote Tory. Otherwise who else would pay for their new Chilly’s bottle every time they lose their old one? Or their entire student rent?
Celeb equivalent: Proudlock from Made In Chelsea
The Roadboy Tory
His mum won’t buy him Supreme if he votes Labour. She texts him on the morning of polling day repeatedly to tell him this.
Loved Jeremy Corbyn until he became problematic – now just doesn’t really engage with politics unless it’s to share articles on legalising drugs. Always too broke to go out for dinner but somehow still manages to have enough money to spend on Supreme, ket and house nights where the tickets are no less than £30.
The Proper Countryside Tory
Back at home, they walk through their front door, with the glow of the AGA warming their rapidly ruddying cheeks. They take off their Barbour (third generation) and place their Hunter wellies in their place on the row in the porch. There is a row of Hunter wellies on in the porch, one for each parent and child, but they don't actually need to wear them seeing as the nearest market town is five minutes away. At uni, you might spot them dressed as a "chav" at a sports social.
Look, some styles never change, that’s why they call them British classics. These are the people single handedly keeping Barbour in business.
Celeb equivalent: Georgia Toffolo
The Virgin Tory
There are some people in this world that are so bad that you actually just feel sorry for them. No matter how awful their life choices or opinions are. Offensive attitudes towards poor people? How adorable. “We must protect the green belt at all costs!” Bless them. “Fuck The NHS”. No Richard…. you come here right this second and let me give you a hug!
With your little half-beard and Specsavers own-range glasses. Those teeny tiny hiking boots. Let them have their T-shirt parties, it’s the only banter they know!!! You can't actually be angry at someone who walks into a bar wearing a trilby, fresh from a day at the Tory party conference, because come on guys, he doesn't know anything about women and he’s probably not getting laid.
A real life example: These lot
— Peter Guy (@Getintothis) October 3, 2018
And you can watch them in action here:
The Internet Tory
The Internet Tory tries to put a bit more pseudo-intellectual justification behind their messed up views. They spend the entire day arguing in the Facebook group The Cabinet and posting their Political Compass results all over social media. For the thousandth time, we get it – your views are Authoritarian Right.
In real life, they study something like Computer Science or Physics. They lurk around quietly at uni, secretly hating everyone they share a seminar and vote Tory because they know voting UKIP isn't effective.
Real life example: Paul Joseph Watson
The Wholefoods Tory
Not overtly Tory because they don’t care enough about politics (they’ll always be fine when it comes to money). They shop at boutique organic grocers when they’re back in Notting Hill with absolutely no shame, and when they’re at uni, they will somehow source fresh fish for their dinner parties.
Their mum will organise an organic vegetable box delivered to their uni house (which will be at least double the rent that most people pay) and they will always be dabbling in some kind of food fad. They smoke camel blues and are always tanned. They will always have people back to theirs after Notting Hill Carnival and you probably don’t see much of them at uni, unless you’re one of them. Probably will move to a European city like Paris for a few months after uni, where they will stay in a family friend’s flat and just keep on being ridiculously fit.
When asked what school they went to, it’ll take a while for them to reveal that it was in fact Eton or Cheltenham by saying things like “oh it was just a small all boys school in the countryside near Windsor”. The boys will wear clothes from a charity shop to prove that they are rejecting all their parents stand for, however, the charity shops they have purchased these clothes from are conveniently located just off the Kings Road. The girls will shop exclusively from expensive online boutiques. They will truly begin embracing their Tory roots when they leave uni to work in a boutique private equity firm or when Glastonbury comes around and they choose instead to summer in Capri.
Will say things like: “I’m so happy there’s finally a Soho House in West London”
Celeb example: Lottie Moss
The Tory In Extreme Denial
This type of Tory don't know they're a Tory just yet. They voted Labour last year because they're "tired of being broke at uni all the time", despite their parents literally paying for everything. The turning point will be when they hit the age of 25 and realise that inheritance is really fucking great. Also they're going to have to start paying their taxes.
Celeb equivalent: Alfie Deyes
The Nu Money Tory (Essex based)
The Nu Money Tory girl is basic at heart. Her life consists of daddy funding all the trips to Dubai and paying for her fake Cartier bracelets.
The Nu Money Tory boy however, is a completely different story. Their hair is slicked-back, they’re studying Management and really and truly believe that they’ll be the next Branson. They’ve flirted with the idea of wearing braces and one of those blue shirts that bankers wear to a uni networking event but ultimately settled for a plain Jane Calvin Klein number. You’ll find them in lectures promoting their new start-up which, despite having a cool sounding name, will be impossible to understand what it actually does. These guys would never describe themselves as Tories, but the siggy ring they bought themselves and Insta stories of their brand new range rover tell a very different tale.
Celeb example: Mark Wright from TOWIE
When anything political gets brought up, the discomfort on their face shows, but they say nothing. At afters, when people are intensely chatting about politics after sniffing copious amounts of coke, they just sit there, in silence. They're too afraid to voice their opinions because they're scared their friends might challenge their views.
But arguably, they're the worst type of Tory, because they're the kind who will watch the world crumble in front of them, without saying a word.
Real life example: Everyone you know
The Art Tory
Like Woke Tories, Art Tories are not overtly Tory to the naked eye. But if you knew how expensive art supplies are, you’d start voting Tory too. Art Tories are the gentrifiers of our country. They’re the type who after uni, will move into an underdeveloped area, open up a vegan cafe and charge you £6 for every breath you take.
Or they will do an entire academic degree, just to realise they should have gone to art school instead. So they do. They’ll go to Central Saint Martens, paint a few large canvases and earn their living by selling overpriced art. Art Tories have a very bad grasp of personal finance because they’ve never had to pay for anything in their life.
Real life example: Hetty Douglas
The Pre-Professional Tory
Do you know who your local councillor is for your area at uni? Do you care? Because mr. Pre Professional Tory absolutely does. Probably called Russell, he has an OUTSTANDING LinkedIn that will be trying so so hard to hide the fact that all his relevant work experience is as a grass roots campaigner for the tories, leafleting in unwinnable council estates where people shout at him. He is the type of Tory to wear ties to lectures and have a picture with Theresa May as his profile picture.
Real life example: Basically anyone who goes on The Apprentice
The Traditional Tory
This is the kind of student who has had Tory injected into their veins from birth, the kind of Tory who looks most at ease in a Barbour jacket and a flat cap. They almost definitely own a Labrador and their house has at least one framed photo of said labrador alongside all the family photos.
You’ll find them going for seemingly lavish steak dinners at uni (it will be on a £10 steak and wine special at All Bar One) but they’ll also be the ones bragging the loudest about what they managed to get in the reduced aisle of Tesco. When they graduate they will doddle with living in Clapham for a couple of years, but ultimately, their destiny lies on the green belt.
They’ll be part of some kind of curry club at one point in their lives and even though they might not be wearing a signet ring, one item of jewellery or clothing worn at all times will be passed on from a relative. They're probably studying subjects like Medicine or History at uni, but will somehow always end up in PWC.
Celeb example: Dr Alex