Introducing: The 25 types of people you’ll find on TikTok

Why are there so many teenagers making sex faces?

4 years ago

Hello and welcome to TikTok, a veritable paradise of content good and bad. Pretty much every funny video you’ve seen in the last year was born here, and you’ve decided to finally take the plunge and download the app so you too can drink directly from the fountain of youth rather than accept how out-of-touch you really are. Think of it as one last hurrah before you settle down, raise a child, and start watching Emmerdale twice as often as you have sex.

Allow me to be your guide, young wanderer, on a tour which will take in dance trends, wannabe comedians, and teenagers making sex faces. You’ll have to pick your side and get liking, forwarding, and rewatching the stuff you enjoy and swiping the fuck past the stuff you don’t – the algorithm will do the rest.

Here is every type of person you’ll see on TikTok – the good, the bad, and the underage:

The fitness neeks

@meggangrubbAbs workout at home 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️ ##foryou ##homeworkout ##foryoupage ♬ Spongebob writes an essay – lastmanstanley

Hardly unique to TikTok, but present here nonetheless, the fitness neeks seek to embarrass you for sitting eating your bodyweight in flapjacks while they lift their own bodyweight on pullup bars in perfect sync with their gym buddy (always to this specific song).

@chapman_mcEnjoying my daily workout! 😂 ##puttingtheworkin ##foryourpage ##foryou ♬ original sound – jeremylynchofficial

And yeah, you might reasonably expect someone to go to YouTube or Instagram for workout inspo, but you’re kidding yourself if you think people are taking notes from videos of you doing push-ups.

The exhibitionist boys

@nick.pritchDo you think this is too harsh? 😂 ##payback ##prank ##coupleprank ##fyp ##foryou ##couple ##trending ##naakey ♬ Jump Around – House of Pain

Subpar content from subpar blokes. The only thing notable about these guys is that they are topless, absolutely jacked and (crucially) aren’t making you feel bad by working out in their videos. They’re just there. Doing their thing. Being fit. And you know what? If you’re going to show no shame by getting your kit off for likes, I’ll show no shame and like it. We’re helping each other.

The comedy sketch creative

@makayla_nikole99He really went for it 😱 Original post by @baseballnig7 ##boredathome ##fyp ##forupage ##kiss ##boys ♬ Can We Kiss Forever? – Kina feat. Adriana Proenza

Oh boy. See here’s the thing, most of these are bad. They’re awful. They’re uninspired, and I hate them – especially the ones starring men in their 20s talking about the “popular girl” in school or wearing a towel on their head to signify they’re playing the part of “your crush”. That being said, you’ll occasionally pull some wheat from the avalanche of chaff that is the for you page, and it will make you lmao. So you can’t hate them too much.

The copycat

@jamesm8 ##inthecrowd ##fyp ##foryou ##foryoupage ♬ original sound – divine.spark

Desperate to get on the for you page, but lacking any creativity or originality at all, these TikTokers trade exclusively in repeatable formats and trends. Rarely will what they do develop the original idea – they’re just hoping you’ll see theirs before you see a better version.

The child

@woodymabbottWould you be our cheerleader?😋❤️ ##foryou ##cheerleader ##boys ##featureme ##funny ##meme ##lol ##trend ##girls ##boy ♬ Cheerleader – OMI

OOPS. This one is literally in school. In fact, they’re weirdly trying to get you to pick which of their mates is the fittest. These kids need parental intervention. As for you, don’t worry, the algorithm will soon weed these ones out. Just don’t linger too long.

The bonafide celebs who don’t belong here

@willsmithMood for the next couple weeks.♬ original sound – willsmith

Do not, I repeat, do not give legitimate celebrities the validation of you following them on TikTok. It is not going to make your experience of using the app any better and you’re literally just helping them make bank. Celebrities on Instagram generally make sense, because celebrities are pretty and Instagram is for pretty people. But celebrities are on the whole not very funny, and TikTok is no place for them – who is asking to see Luke and Siânnise from Love Island do that weird little spasm of a dance for the 50th time? Or Logan Paul doing anything? No one. Clear off.

Ashley Tisdale

@ashleytisdaleFirst dance with @realadamrose. Love this @yodelinghaley♬ Say So – Doja Cat

I cannot explain why, but Ashley is allowed to be here. She is one of us.

The family dance troupe

@icm_tripletsThank you for 8000!💜💚🤍 here’s another dance we made ##videocall ##ButterGlossPop ##dance ##fyp ##triplets ##asian ♬ original sound – icm_triplets

Toeing the line between wholesome and irritating, the family dance troupe has evolved past the trendier dancers of pre-lockdown to become the dominant movers and shakers of TikTok. Watch them do Blinding Lights, then Say So, then a few originals, and ask yourself why you can’t pull off the same trick until you realise it’s because your parents hate you.

The lonely dancer

@derekanthony_l ##clonesquad ##fyp ##foryourpage ##viral ##disney ##hercules ##wig ##longface ##hairtutorials ##themuses ##musicaltheatre ##musicaltheatrekid ♬ GOSPEL TRUTH – owen_kelley10

Look at you, solo dancing to ‘Savage’ in your bedroom like a noughties teenager on MySpace. You are an adult.

Anime weebs

@myriamsmnIf you think its a joke it’s not ##aot ##attackontitan ##anime ##fyp ##foryou ##animememe ♬ aot leilaisswag – leilaisswag

While you’re not entirely surprised that men in their 30s are taking advantage of TikTok to twirl lightsabers around to the sound of J-pop, the revelation that incredibly fit people can also be into anime has shaken your belief system to its very core. And yeah, that JoJo pose song is a bop. Sue me.

The TikTok pro influencers

@addisonre ♬ WTF by Young Spool but not really – goalsounds

These come in two sub-categories: The ones you like, and the 16-year-olds. The ones you like show up on your for you page repeatedly with their inventive sketches, impressive variety, and inimitable originality. The actual “influencer” kids barely ever show up because the algorithm knows that you’ll hate them – which only ever serves to confuse you when you Google TikTokers and all you see is a bunch of tweens with green hair.

Cats

@yamomzzz ##fyp ##foryoupage ##fypage ##candyshop ##thackerybinx ##cat ##catsoftiktok ##cute ♬ Candy Shop – R n B Allstars

Cats are really good at TikTok, like, in a way that dogs could never. The content is just so fucking funny – cats doing stupid stuff, cats attacking their owners, cats cuddling their owners, cats dancing, cats miming the intro to Candy Shop by 50 Cent. Cats cats cats.

Chefs who actually make really good content

@flakeysaltHow to cook a real steak. No more bad steaks from now on. ##food ##cooking ##steak ##tailgateszn ##tastesdifferent ##fyp ##foryou ##foodchallenge ##foodlover ♬ original sound – flakeysalt

Food videos work on TikTok for the same reason workout videos don’t. They’re quick, stylish, and helpful. TikTok taught me how to cook a steak, it taught me that I need to save the pasta water, and it doesn’t make me feel shitty about my weight. 10/10.

Niche pets

@friendlyquestI wanna see your duets 💕 ##fyp ##ferret ##dancing ♬ original sound – wetnosed

I am talking about the ferret man here, guys. If you don’t know who the ferret man is you probably don’t even have TikTok. Thing is you don’t need to get a ferret: You can get a parrot to yell into a glass, get your reptile to paint for you, or watch your dad throw his pet duck into a pool over and over again. The more niche the pet, the better. The possibilities truly are endless.

Animal Crossing nerds

@ohkelliei respect the hustle sis ##animalcrossing ##acnh ##fyp ♬ original sound – ohkellie

I confess: I find Animal Crossing memes funny. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch someone bury a villager in a ditch to get them to leave, I’ll laugh. The content is everywhere and you better shut up and roll with it because it’s not going anywhere.

Gleeks coming back from the dead

@jazzzyxoMr.Schue crossed so many lines and we just let him HAHA ##levelup ##glee ##gleek ##fyp ##mrschue ♬ original sound – jazzzyxo

Glee was a clusterfuck of a show. Anyone who watched it growing up knows this. But there’s something visceral about watching the gleeks parade those fucked up moments on TikTok again like mouldy corpses. And yeah, Mr Schue should probably have gone to prison.

The recycler

@sebastianharford ##theveronicas ##fyp ##foryou ♬ original sound – sebastianharford

This moron misunderstands TikTok on a very basic level, poisoning the app by just uploading any old meme video they’ve got on their camera roll. As a purist this behaviour disgusts me and I personally think it should be a fineable offence.

Bathroom vloggers

@_itsnateGuys heads be looking like eggs ##fyp ##foryou ##comedy ♬ original sound – _itsnate

Apparently, the TikTok algorithm likes well-lit videos, and coincidentally bathroom lighting is consistently on point. Sadly that’s all that’s good about these TikToks because on every other level they are incredibly shit.

Girls showing off their boyfriends

@leahbombassarosorry ashton ##greenscreen ##greenscreenvideo ##relationshipgoals @ashtonmbosse♬ if you do the cooking by the book – madyvivian

I hate to break it to you but acquiring a really hot/nice boyfriend is not a real-life achievement, and yes I will like the video because your boyf is really fit.

Depressed gays

@jakepaton ♬ Roman Holiday – Nicki Minaj

TikTok is a level playing field for humour, and regardless of what may or may not be true about the algorithm’s attitude towards LGBTQ+ TikTokers, the reality is they are funnier, better looking, and more original than the hets could ever be. This is their time.

Genuinely funny visionaries

@itspierreboo🐡🐠🐟🐬🐳🐋🦈🐙🦑🤣 @nickychampa♬ original sound – itspierreboo

Every now and then the stars align, and you get a Tesco Girl, or a Pasta Guy, or the bloke behind those DJ videos. These are the people who TikTok owes it’s popularity to, those people who are just so goddamn funny and creative you wonder if you’ll ever be able to make the people around you laugh again. Innevitably, they’ll ruin it by trying to ride the wave of their big moment to TikTok fame, but for that one moment they were worth the last half an hour you’ve spent scrolling.

Artists and animators

@maddiwinterthis was HARD but i love it!! especially the loop 🙂 // ( edit time: 24 HOURS🌈✨ ) ##fyp ♬ supalonely x whats my name – rapidsongs

TikTok ended up being the platform animators never knew they needed. For the small price of having very little space to work with, you get a clear shot at people’s attention spans. The artwork is also dope.

@annet_lovart✅ YES or NO ❌❓❔✍🏽 ##art ##artist ##foryou 𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐘 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐀 💋💋💋💋♬ original sound – .slowmo.soundssss

Photographers who really wish Instagram was still big

@jordi.koaliticTOP 100 PHOTO TRICKS 👆🏼 FULL VIDEO on Youtube JORDI KOALITIC ##jordikoalitic ##photographer ##foryou ##tiktok ##best ##top ##4u ##viral ##music ##2020 ♬ original sound – jordi.koalitic

Photographers on TikTok somehow manage to eke out video content by simply showing you how they got the shot – usually by pouring water over the floor and taking a picture of a reflection. Funnily enough, these people don’t show off the hours spent on Photoshop adjusting lighting and vibrance levels. It’s hard to explain but this “genre” of photography is actually the worst and it needs to go.

Twitter news anchors

@megzmick57 ##greenscreen reading tweets my friends send me pt 1 ##foryou ##fyp ##tweet ##twitter ##drivethebus ##scienceismagic ♬ original sound – megzmick57

Here comes TikTok’s equivalent to YouTubers reacting to memes (yes this does happen). These guys superimpose themselves over a series of tweets, whack on an annoying voice filter and… read them aloud? Miraculously this format brings in the likes really efficiently. I suppose it’s only fair. After all – how annoying must it be when someone rips your TikTok and has a hit with it on Twitter? This is simply a case of TikTokers getting their own back.

Uni students dipping their toes in

@mcclure2.0dont you just love this town? ##standrewsuni ##affordableaccommodationwarriors ##studentlife ##uni ♬ How Bad Can I Be? – Ed Helms

Ah, you’ve finally come crawling over to the dark side. After months of disparaging your one friend for using the app, here you are trying out literally every format listed above in an attempt to feel something. You’ll try and make people care about your flatmates, rinse your uni stereotypes, film whacky moments on nights out, but you can’t run away from the truth that you’re neither funny nor creative. For shame.