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If the Love Islanders were classic schoolbags, this is what they’d be

Cease what you are doing and look at this very important story

There are a lot of questions you might ask of the Love Island cast: Which one should I couple up with? Which one would be the best in bed? Which one has changed the most?

But here's the thing. No one actually cares about that stuff – at least not really. The real meat on the plate that is Love Island discourse is which classic schoolbag most encapsulates each Islander's existence.

This was the question you didn't know you needed answering, and now you'll never be able to look at the cast without seeing them with drawstrings instead of arms. This is the bed we have made for ourselves, and we have no choice but to lie in it:

Paul’s Boutique – Molly Mae

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Molly Mae is exactly the type of girl to strut around school with one of these monstrosities. It’s probably pink, padded and exclusively carried in the crook of her arm. It definitely contains that iconic sickly sweet Hollister body spray too.

JD stringbag – Tommy

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Obviously we cannot claim credit for the masterpiece of meme genius that started this whole idea. But come on. Tommy is the kind of person who probably still carries a two-year-old JD drawstring bag with him, in which he keeps his toxic waste gym clothing.

Groovy Chick Satchel bag – Amy

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Every evening Amy would get home from school, throw her Groovy Chick bag on the floor of her pink bedroom, and begin a steamy vigorous make-out session with her stuffed animals. Then, sighing, she would open her pink journal, reach for her fluffy pen, and write a letter to her imaginary boyfriend, Curtis.

Amy used sparkly gel pens up until the age of 16, and 100 per cent used them to write Twilight fan fiction in her spare time.

Plain black bag, enormous – Curtis

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You can tell Curtis has occupied the role of friendship group dad for a very long time. I mean just look at him – that shit-eating smile he’s always wearing speaks volumes about the kind of bag he carried as a schoolkid. He probably kept all his infuriatingly lame chat in it.

Jane Norman bag – Amber

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Amber would’ve had a string of boyfriends from year seven, all of them lasting no more than two weeks long ending in utter heartbreak at the school disco. Like in the villa she would’ve been in the popular group at school, been the netball captain and had the latest phone before everyone else, the pink Motorola RAZR being the peak of her popularity.

Nike’s Do It – Michael

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Have you actually taken a moment to ever acknowledge how ludicrously hench Michael is? Like, honestly, he could probably eat Tom and Curtis. He wouldn’t, because he’s a nice boy – but he could. Anyway he would be the Nike bag because he’s obviously been a terrifying unit since he was in primary school and only the big boys get to stunt with Nike bags.

Green/Brown Little Brown Bag – Elma

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It’s green because it’s fake. Do you know who else is fake? Probably Elma. Pew pew.

Superdry satchel bag – Danny

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People who wore Superdry at school are snakes now. Fact. We all saw Danny gravitate towards Arabella like a 2010 teenager to an Osaka hoodie. Truly they were symbolic of the biggest clout chasers – no originality. Fuck Danny. We stan Yewande.

Eastpak – Jordan

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It is a law of nature that all boys who rocked Eastpak bags in their teens grew up to have silly hair. Case in point: Jordan, obviously had an Eastpak bag, now he has silly hair. The cycle is cruel and vicious.

Abercrombie and Fitch shopping bag – Maura

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Only girls who wanted to assert their dominance in their school’s hierarchy would bring stuff in an Abercrombie and Fitch bag. Doused in Hollister’s Crescent Bay body mist, Maura would rock up to school, bragging about the fit topless model at A&F who tried to flirt with her last weekend. She’d even lie a little bit and say that she was asked to be a “model” for the shop, even though she was severely underage.

CeX bag – Sherif

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No other bag says “I eat ass” quite like the CeX drawstring number, and as we all know – Sherif eats ass. But just like catchphrase king himself, the CeX bag is massively undervalued, and what I’m trying to say here is BRING BACK SHERIF.

Generic satchel – Tom

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Tom 100 per cent wore checkered shirts to clubs, house parties, and to every cinema date he went on. After putting his lame satchel under the seat he would inevitably put his arm round the “lucky” lady and whisper “it’ll be interesting to see if you’re all mouth” before immediately pivoting to his second best line: “Rate this.” tl;dr, satchels are lame, and Tom is lame.

Gola – Anna

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Massively underrated, and actually pretty lit. Granted, you routinely forget the Gola bag existed until someone shows it to you, just like Anna vanishes from your memory whenever she’s not on screen.

Londsdale – Callum

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Little did Callum know that at the tender age of 15, when he initially purchased this bag, he was condemning himself to a life of mediocre missionary sex. Don’t let the black and white colour scheme fool you – this bag is a massive red flag.

Jansport backpack – Yewande

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Both sensible and practical, this bag contained a lot of nerdy books which young Yewande would need to become the scientist she is today, all while evenly distributing the weight of hefty knowledge across both shoulders. Obvs she’s still a huge nerd but no one can have everything.

Jack Wills shopping bag – Arabella

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Arabella is totally the type to carry her P.E kit around in this bag. And so did the rest of her friendship group who were almost definitely also all white, blonde horse girls.

Adidas bag – Anton

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Anton was that guy who started going to the gym when he hit puberty instead of showering. Thankfully he now seems to have at least roped his mum into helping him keep himself tidy, but you can tell Anton was a rancid teenager – and his bag had lots of mouldy food in it.

Roxy backpack – Lucie

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Lucie is a surfer gal at heart and this bag is just tragic enough for her, though she probably alternated with similar Billabong and Animal bags for every new school year. Lucie was the type to have a consistent boyfriend from year eight to year eleven who worshiped her every move – until she dumped him for some boy with a JD sports bag.

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