How good are the Love Island 2019 boys in bed? A ranking
Callum is a strong 2/10, sorry
We might only be a week in to this year's Love Island, but we already know who we hate (Amber) and who we'd want to couple up with if we were in the villa.
But the most important thing we need to discuss? Who would be the best and worst in bed obviously!!!
Based on the way they've been with girls and their general energies, we've figured out exactly which Love Island 2019 boys will be amazing and which ones would make you get the ick straight away. Enjoy.
Anton is all about the performance. He’ll want to make you come but only so that it massages his ego. His favourite position is doggy – simple, disrespectful and effective. And I bet he goes on for houuuuurs, but not in a good way. It's exhausting, it's technically great sex but there's zero connection.
Most likely to: Try to finish on your face
What he'll say straight after: Nothing, he'll just roll over and fall asleep
Go to sex position: Doggy style
No one can accurately report what Tommy Fury is like in bed, because it is statistically impossible for anyone to survive such an ordeal. Seriously, though – have you seen him? The man is bigger than most houses.
Before you disintegrate with the force of the encounter, you’ll most likely experience some airborne action, doggy, and protein powder. Tommy will be silent the entire time, and he absolutely fucking won’t go down on you.
Most likely to: Put on Miley Cyrus before having sex with you
What he'll say straight after: "Try not to wake my housemate up when you leave"
Go to sex position: Stand and carry
There would be two sides to Joe in bed. The first showcases his cheeky chappy side – where he’d say something like “let me butter your baps” followed by a “wahay! I make sandwiches!” whilst undressing you. The second side to Joe would be when he gets deep, upset and wants to “have a chat” about his performance. But let’s go through it step by step.
Joe would be pretty good in bed – you’d have a laugh, try some adventurous positions for the fun of it (definitely not the eagle because that’s just the natural progression from missionary). Sex toys would come out, his favourite being a cock ring because it looks quite funny on his penis. Overall – it’s good, it’s memorable – something you bring up in a game of never have I ever.
But when the sex stops and you’ve rolled over to get some shut eye, you feel this presence getting closer and closer to your body, until he’s fully latched on as the big spoon, when he quietly says “can we have a chat?” Next thing you know two hours have passed and Joe’s running through is feelings, and only now would he say “by the way you’re on the pill yeah?”
Most likely to: Make you laugh during sex
What he'll say straight after: "So does this mean we're exclusive?"
Go to sex position: Girl on top
Sherif eats ass. You can read it on his face. It is what it is.
No but seriously, it is always the quiet ones. If his frankly bizarre stand-off with Anna last night was anything to go by, Sherif has some deeply weird thoughts buried under all the memories of that one time he played semi-pro rugby.
Most likely to: Apologise for poor performance by saying it is what it is
What he'll say straight after: "I follow you on Instagram you know"
Go to sex position: 69/Anal
You can just tell from Michael’s calm presence that he would be phenomenal in bed. He has BDE, doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone because he already knows how good he is. He would go down on you for as long as it took and the sex would feel like it’s going on forever – but in a good way. His strong arms could flip you around for all sorts of positions, Michael is the furthest thing from vanilla.
He studied science so he is aaaaall about chemistry and biology and stuff. He knows his way around a bedroom no problem.
Most likely to: Make you come in under three minutes
What he'll say straight after: "You wanna go again?"
Go to sex position: Against the wall
If the way Callum has sex is anything like his bland personality, then strap yourself in. You’re about to have the most mediocre sex of your life. It’s the sex you get on a one night stand – sex you don’t remember because it was so cut and dry it has no memorable traits or moments. The type where you don’t even remember their name, much like with Callum (he’s the tall Welsh one btw). No one wins.
This is extremely normal man sex. It starts with kissing, then there’s a fondle (oOoOh) , and then fingering, then a quick blowjob (he makes very loud and appreciative noises), and then, predictably, some lovely, gentle missionary. It lasts 30 minutes. There will be no morning sex. No suggestion of round two. Just cuddles. Just fucking cuddles. And his breath on your back. And then awful small talk and then a very sincere – “enjoy the rest of your Sunday!” on his way out.
Most likely to: To have socks on during sex
What he'll say straight after: "Thank you"
Go to sex position: Spoon
Sorry but anyone who’s willing to go on national television and big up “the eagle” as if it’s going to blow your brains out needs to permanently part ways with their self esteem. Google it – go on – like the thousands of others who did when he first brought it up. You’ll quickly discover that it’s literally missionary. Imagine Curtis rolling that one out as his show-stopper with that classic shit-eating grin on his face – safe in the knowledge he’s everyone’s favourite right now. Jog on. Sorry Amy, you’ve drawn the short straw mate.
Most likely to: Stop halfway through, look at you and tell you how beautiful you are
What he'll say straight after: "That was the best sex I've ever had"
Go to sex position: The eagle
Maybe we jumped the gun on our decision to name Tom Love Island 2019’s tastiest snack. Alas, his awkward demeanour, boring chat, and shovel-shaped face are all glaring red flags. Tom is the type of bloke who’ll spend hours just kissing, before guiding your head down to his obviously under-average sized schween. You’ll go along with it, obvs, because he is a fit model and you like the idea of shagging a fit model more than you’ll like the sex itself. After the kissing there will be a protracted hour of painfully slow coitus, during which he’ll ask you repeatedly if you’re okay, and probably tell you he loves you. In the morning you’ll wake up to find him staring you straight in the face and you’ll kindly decline round two.
Most likely to: Have a shower straight after the sex
What he'll say straight after: "You're perfect"
Go to sex position: Cowgirl
Did you see when Jordan put his hand on Anna’s knee mid-kiss? How could you not – that little graze, edging up the leg. This is a guy who likes foreplay – and will tease for at least an hour before actually getting down to it. He’s the type of guy to not let any stone go unturned – whatever you want he will do. But when it comes to the actual sex, he’s probably a bit tired out from all the fondling, intimate kissing and bum grabbing to have any energy left for really good sex. He will probably stop halfway to try and break it up and ask “do you like being tickled”, which you don’t find sexual in any way, shape or form. You’ll leave the sex satisfied, knowing if you went back there you’d stick to oral.
Most likely to: Lick or suck parts of your body you would rather not be licked or sucked
What he'll say straight after: "How many times did you come?"
Go to sex position: Reverse cowgirl
Danny's the type of guy who you sleep with and immediately text all your girl mates to tell them how good he was. A solid 9/10 you have a sex glow for at least four days and a fanfare plays in your head when you think about how good he was at shagging.
It will last between 30-45 minutes. He'll pay attention to you, kissing you everywhere at the right time, taking it fast then slow, mixing it up so the rhythm is constantly changing. He'll take charge without being domineering, he makes you come at least twice. He is the perfect man. You are in love.
Most likely to: Make you want to commit to a long-term relationship after sleeping with him once
What he'll say straight after: "Now that's how to be loved"
Go to sex position: All of them. Every single one.