How good are the Love Island 2019 boys in bed? A ranking

Callum is a strong 2/10, sorry


We might only be a week in to this year's Love Island, but we already know who we hate (Amber) and who we'd want to couple up with if we were in the villa.

But the most important thing we need to discuss? Who would be the best and worst in bed obviously!!!

Based on the way they've been with girls and their general energies, we've figured out exactly which Love Island 2019 boys will be amazing and which ones would make you get the ick straight away. Enjoy.

Anton 6/10

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Anton is all about the performance. He’ll want to make you come but only so that it massages his ego. His favourite position is doggy – simple, disrespectful and effective. And I bet he goes on for houuuuurs, but not in a good way. It's exhausting, it's technically great sex but there's zero connection.

Most likely to: Try to finish on your face

What he'll say straight after: Nothing, he'll just roll over and fall asleep

Go to sex position: Doggy style

Tommy 8.5/10

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No one can accurately report what Tommy Fury is like in bed, because it is statistically impossible for anyone to survive such an ordeal. Seriously, though – have you seen him? The man is bigger than most houses.

Before you disintegrate with the force of the encounter, you’ll most likely experience some airborne action, doggy, and protein powder. Tommy will be silent the entire time, and he absolutely fucking won’t go down on you.

Most likely to: Put on Miley Cyrus before having sex with you

What he'll say straight after: "Try not to wake my housemate up when you leave"

Go to sex position: Stand and carry

Joe 7/10

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There would be two sides to Joe in bed. The first showcases his cheeky chappy side – where he’d say something like “let me butter your baps” followed by a “wahay! I make sandwiches!” whilst undressing you. The second side to Joe would be when he gets deep, upset and wants to “have a chat” about his performance. But let’s go through it step by step.

Joe would be pretty good in bed – you’d have a laugh, try some adventurous positions for the fun of it (definitely not the eagle because that’s just the natural progression from missionary). Sex toys would come out, his favourite being a cock ring because it looks quite funny on his penis. Overall – it’s good, it’s memorable – something you bring up in a game of never have I ever.

But when the sex stops and you’ve rolled over to get some shut eye, you feel this presence getting closer and closer to your body, until he’s fully latched on as the big spoon, when he quietly says “can we have a chat?” Next thing you know two hours have passed and Joe’s running through is feelings, and only now would he say “by the way you’re on the pill yeah?”

Most likely to: Make you laugh during sex

What he'll say straight after: "So does this mean we're exclusive?"

Go to sex position: Girl on top

Sherif 6/10

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Sherif eats ass. You can read it on his face. It is what it is.

No but seriously, it is always the quiet ones. If his frankly bizarre stand-off with Anna last night was anything to go by, Sherif has some deeply weird thoughts buried under all the memories of that one time he played semi-pro rugby.

Most likely to: Apologise for poor performance by saying it is what it is

What he'll say straight after: "I follow you on Instagram you know"

Go to sex position: 69/Anal

Michael 9/10

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You can just tell from Michael’s calm presence that he would be phenomenal in bed. He has BDE, doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone because he already knows how good he is. He would go down on you for as long as it took and the sex would feel like it’s going on forever – but in a good way. His strong arms could flip you around for all sorts of positions, Michael is the furthest thing from vanilla.

He studied science so he is aaaaall about chemistry and biology and stuff. He knows his way around a bedroom no problem.

Most likely to: Make you come in under three minutes

What he'll say straight after: "You wanna go again?"

Go to sex position: Against the wall

Callum 2/10

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If the way Callum has sex is anything like his bland personality, then strap yourself in. You’re about to have the most mediocre sex of your life. It’s the sex you get on a one night stand – sex you don’t remember because it was so cut and dry it has no memorable traits or moments. The type where you don’t even remember their name, much like with Callum (he’s the tall Welsh one btw). No one wins.

This is extremely normal man sex. It starts with kissing, then there’s a fondle (oOoOh) , and then fingering, then a quick blowjob (he makes very loud and appreciative noises), and then, predictably, some lovely, gentle missionary. It lasts 30 minutes. There will be no morning sex. No suggestion of round two. Just cuddles. Just fucking cuddles. And his breath on your back. And then awful small talk and then a very sincere – “enjoy the rest of your Sunday!” on his way out.

Most likely to: To have socks on during sex

What he'll say straight after: "Thank you"

Go to sex position: Spoon

Curtis 3/10

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Sorry but anyone who’s willing to go on national television and big up “the eagle” as if it’s going to blow your brains out needs to permanently part ways with their self esteem. Google it – go on – like the thousands of others who did when he first brought it up. You’ll quickly discover that it’s literally missionary. Imagine Curtis rolling that one out as his show-stopper with that classic shit-eating grin on his face – safe in the knowledge he’s everyone’s favourite right now. Jog on. Sorry Amy, you’ve drawn the short straw mate.

Most likely to: Stop halfway through, look at you and tell you how beautiful you are

What he'll say straight after: "That was the best sex I've ever had"

Go to sex position: The eagle

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