Meet the Tyskie Boy, the sad boy’s marginally cooler mate

To everyone's surprise, there's a new type of uni boy. Just when we thought there was no space between the sad boy, the soft boy, the young boy, and the Strongbow Dark Fruit boy, a new contender steps up.

In place of an actual personality, every boy needs a go-to tinny. Tyskie is a Polish lager that sells around the £1.10 – £1.30 range, always about 15p more than a can of Stella, best served just below room temperature with some lukewarm chat.

It's for the guy who's a bit over Red Stripe, likes swinging by the corner shop to pick up a bag, and won't stand for a watery can. But it's more than a can though, it's a whole personality. Enter the Tyskie Boy.

Does he skate? Or just dress like he does? All you really know is that when he heads into a corner shop, he'll be picking up one or more cans of Tyskie for whatever shenanigans lie ahead.

The Tyskie Boy drinks Tyskie, obviously

"The best taste at that price point, frankly" you tell your mates, "but it's just a beer."

"Nothing more," you say, unaware that this particular tinny is a window into your entire soul, your undiluted essence, your General Vibe™.

You don't want to be part of the Stella/Kronenbourg/Carlsberg/Carling hegemony. You feel like Red Stripe and Orangeboom have been done to death. But Tyskie? It's the last frontier, a perfectly priced Polish lager.

More importantly, you buy cans in multiples of one. Just one for the road. One for the walk from the bus to the club. A bag of single cans loosely rattling around as you walk into pres. Lovely.

He's mad into hummus and the 'authentic' versions of boujee snacks

Hummus? Good. Sabra hummus with the green lid? Excellent. The middle eastern hummus from the shop that sells Turkish bread and loose tomatoes? Excellent value. The mere existence of the shop, located on the street in plain view of everyone else, is to be treated like a closely guarded secret by the Tyskie Boy.

It doesn't stop there. Doritos? Fuck off, they're having hummus chips.

He's quite into getting fucked up, but not on pingers any more

Ket. A few tinnies, sure. He'll wash down some prescription drugs and doesn't mind getting moderately stoned.

Thankfully, though, the Tyskie Boy is not a beer devotee. When the mood hits him right he'll quaff an Aperol Spritz, your gin and tonics and such. He's definitely really into Bailey's with his mum at Christmas, and is no stranger to a bottle of Buckfast.

You've got to have a medium-to-large glow up to become a Tyskie Boy

You were not always the Tyskie Boy. Once, you were the sad boy, or some chubby skater weirdo with a bad haircut. Now the only ill-fitting thing about you is your jeans.

He lives in the non-mainstream student bit of the city, at least 15 minutes further from uni than everyone else

Sure, it's a bit further to uni, one of he's housemates isn't a student, and the decor is about 40 years older, but it's cheaper. And he's defo chill with a cheeky spleef in the lounge while you battle it out on a years-old Fifa.

Roath, not Cathays, in Cardiff. In Newcastle, they live in Heaton, not Jesmond. In York, it's strictly Fulford, rather than with the normies on Hull Road. Bargain shops, weird locals, probably an Iceland. It's a Thing.

Footwear is strictly Vans Old Skool til he dies

Contrary to what you might believe, the Tyskie boy has two pairs of shoes on his bedroom floor: a clean-ish pair of black old Skool Vans for lectures and such, and a beat up pair for clubbing or skating or walks to a weird bit of the city.

To absolutely nobody's shock, the Tyskie Boy can cook pretty well

Whereas the sad boy can just about stretch to a Ristorante, the Tyskie Boy knows how to whip up a storm.

He knows his way around plantain and tofu, and does a chickpea and spinach curry to die for.

He's really into football, but only performatively

After years of getting by quoting "did you see that ludicrous display last night", the patter has worn thin. The desire to assimilate, however, has not.

So it's time to double down on what he does know about football. Reminiscing over, without exception, Van Nistelrooy-era United or the Arsenal Invincibles. It comes across as a mark of authenticity, but really it was just the last time the Tyskie boy paid attention to football. Now, he fills in the gaps with Mundial's Twitter account.

See: Preferring World In Motion to It's Coming Home and learning the entire rap, to be repeated during all of England's World Cup games. Having strong opinions on Raheem Sterling's treatment by the tabloid press. Making Peep Show memes about Kepa Arrizabalaga refusing to be subbed off in the Carabao Cup final.

You can't get enough of his ironic Insta where he poses with his hands a lot

The Tyskie Boy says he hates Instagram. He does not.

His feed is carefully curated: the ironic, slightly scuzzy version of himself he's striving for in person.

Perhaps there's a 35mm portrait of a local on the high street. Perhaps there's a dark pic of him and "The Boys™". Perhaps there's a few shots of him crouched down throwing the gun fingers in front of something slightly amusing.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. It's the anti-Fiat 500. No sincerity, pure irony.

And it bloody works.

Says he's into Corbyn but will row back quicker than Sir Steve Redgrave at Sydney 2000 if challenged on it

"Yeah, I mean, obviously thaaaat's problematic."

"I know I don't really have an alternative to capitalism but come on, the Tories man."

"Well I'm not strictly a socialist, but John McDonnell's got a point."

Long sleeve t-shirts are back, and it's all thanks to the Tyskie Boy

Long sleeves are in fashion. Long sleeve t shirts. Excellent. What do your arms look like, Tyskie Boy?

He's a problematic fave, annoyingly

It's kind of in the same way Rick Stein is a problematic fave. Inoffensive, and on the surface appreciative of other cultures in a way that tourists on Kho San just aren't. It's not gaudy, it's authentic interest. Apparently.

The Tyskie Boy gets called by his last name, or full name, or weird nickname

And calls their friends "my dude", "my guy", "homes", or "bro".

He really liked Jimothy Lacoste and Poundland Bandit for about five minutes

But, boy, what a five minutes. Life was getting quite exciting.

Has records, but not wanky pristine ones

Like, if you go back to the Tyskie Boy's house, he can actually put records on for a mood, rather than a couple of XX albums his mum bought from Urban Outfitters.

Loves disco, actually

That Larry Levan remix of Stand on the Word? Loves it. Can't get enough. It comes on and the Tyskie Boy does some weirdly involved disco dancing and mouths "this is SUCH a banger" at anyone who'll make eye contact.

Now he won't talk about Bonobo, but still listens to it whilst tapping away at his over-ambitious, socially relevant dissertation.

Surprisingly, he's fairly lucky in love

But calls them "burds", so take from that what you will.

He only holidays in weird places that take you by surprise

By rights, the Tyskie Boy should holiday in Berlin, or Prague, or Vietnam, or Oslo, or somewhere.

But NO. The Tyskie Boy has popped up with an ironic Insta in Nice. Shit, he's having a great time in Pembrokeshire! He's doing the hands pose on a beach!! You didn't expect him to just be in Lanzarote with the girlfriend's family, but there he is. Everyone else is in bikinis and putting a conspicuous amount of time into tanning whilst the Tyskie boy resolutely sticks it out in those weird shorts from the uni gym and a battered cap, asking how the resort can possibly be "all-inclusive" if there isn't any bloody Tyskie. Well there should be, it's the best taste for its price point. They're serving bloody Woo-Woos so why not humble old Tyskie? Okay, sure, I'll have one, if only to get myself on the perfect wave where I can pose in front of something mildly amusing, throw up the fingers, and post it on my Insta with the caption "Havin A Laff in Lanzarote", and tag the location to like, I don't know, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club. 48 likes, in the bag.