Here is the Strongbow Dark Fruits Boy, and he’s bringing banter back in 2018
He really wants Oasis to get back together
The Fiat 500 girl is a well-known stereotype. She's a girl's girl who has got her shit together, knows Instagram inside out and looks impeccable 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
On Twitter she's constantly talking about how much of a mess her life is or aggressively subtweeting another girl who's getting with her ex.
However, we're not here to talk about the Fiat 500 girl, we've already done that. It's time to introduce her bae, the Strongbow Dark Fruit boy.
Strongbow Dark Fruit boy (SDF boy for short) is not entirely defined by his girlfriend, but he is just as basic as her.
The premise Strongbow Dark Fruit Twitter is basically tweeting average lyrics from half-decent indie bands, directed at the girl they're seeing who's driving them crazy by leaving 20-minute breaks between each text because they can't handle their cringey flantering.
They're not entirely bad blokes, just exceptionally ordinary. Quite wet, very vanilla, and still haven't got over that time Louise didn't fancy them back in Year 8.
After sliding into the DMs of a few self-proclaimed Strongbow Dark Fruit boys to find out what they're like, it turns out there's probably a bit of the Strongbow Dark Fruit boy inside each and every one of us.
His love for the purple-coloured nectar of the Gods is undying and everlasting
One of his defining features obviously derives from his nickname. He will drink Strongbow Dark Fruits out of choice and not necessity, and purely because he likes the fact it tastes like Ribena and gets him fucking buzzing.
'Oasis are gonna reform in 2018 I can feel it in my bones, you heard it her first x'
Fiat 500 girl Twitter basically goes like this: "Just getting in now. hope my mum is up to let me in. fucking state of me ? ? x" whereas SDF Twitter is all about male bravado and how much you love your mates and anything else which you think is "safe".
He will always bang on about how what they did at some gig one time was amazing and has never been done before by anyone else. Examples include crowd-surfing, drinking four pints (of cider that is) and getting right to the barriers at the front. It doesn't take much to make him happy.
His Twitter bio will either be virtue-signalling bastions of SDF culture such as Peep Show, or using football terminology to describe the philosophy you live your life by.
He will emulate his hero, Liam Gallagher, by adding "as you were" plus his initials and an "x" to every single mundane tweet he sends out into the ether.
He might have a lemon emoji in his Twitter name as a symbol of how much he adores The Stone Roses, and he also won't shut up about how great The Courteeners are.
They live for the beautiful game
Aside from "proper music" AKA guitar music, his other interests are just as basic. He lives and breathes football, but not modern football, and yearns for the years of pies on the terraces and casual culture, even though he's not old enough to remember it's glory days.
His cover photo, if it's not of the Gallagher brothers, will be of his football club's home ground with flare smoke creeping across the pitch.
He wears Adidas Gazelles, obviously, but the horrible green and yellow ones, and can't quite stretch to pulling off wearing a bit of Stone Island clobber to really emulate casual culture, which he spends hours reading about online.
They're not very good at talking to girls, poor bubbas
Unfortunately, most girls aren't very interested in knowing the percentage of the UK population that applied for tickets to see Oasis at Knebworth in 1996 and almost definitely don't want to engage in a debate about which is the better album out of Definitely Maybe and (What's the Story?) Morning Glory.
When they do manage to tie down a Fiat 500 girl, their fuckboy tendencies will start to come out
The most extreme version of the SDF boy tells his friends that his bae is just some girl wrapped round his little finger.
But when she tweets on a Sunday morning that she's sooo hungover and wants McNuggets he'll be straight over with a 20-box.
He used to live for 'the sesh' but now hates that term
That was before the word "sesh" started being overused and ruined by people who don't have enough respect for "getting on one with the lads". By this they mean drinking four tinnies and then feeling too full to carry on.
They truly believe that Peep Show is the greatest tv programme ever
But what about when he threatens to spill that rich technology bloke's Crunchy Nut all over the floor of his apartment? That was GENIUS! Super Hans is my literal spirit animal.
He's not as raw as the raw, pint-swilling "Unilad". He listens to music and lets it touch him, deeply. He is the sentinent Unilad.
He is as frail as all other evolutions of the modern man yet supremely confident that his love for Crystal Palace FC is unique and unmatched by anyone else. Champagne Supernova WILL be played at his funeral.
Pour some out for the bang average Strongbow Dark Fruit boys. As you were JL x