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Merry Christmas! These are the 25 people who need to be cancelled in 2019

Jamie Oliver can get in the bin tbh

Hark! December has rolled around. Parents have posted you a nice Cadbury’s advent calendar up to uni. The mum of the group has made her long term boyfriend buy her a gin advent calendar which takes up half the kitchen. If you’re feeling frisky you can even get a Lovehoney one. But none of those quite satisfy you after what has, quite frankly, been A Year. Step up, The Tab’s Advent Canceldar.

Now, cancelling might not seem very Christmassy. Little do you realise it’s a Christmas tradition, dating back to Herod being cancelled by the birth of baby Jesus.

Our gift to you is thus: 25 celebrities, trends, foods, TV shows, and assorted pieces of cultural detritus to be cancelled once and for all. Don’t eat it all at once.

1st December: Zoella and Alfie Deyes

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Where to start? Alfie famously uploaded his tasteless “Living on £1 video a day” video which he later took down and afterwards released a video of him swearing not to be a Tory. Then Zoella brought out that stupid book full of stupid advice sold for £20. What better way to own her than with an advent calendar?

Truthfully, every YouTuber except the Scottish woman who yells DISGOSTENG deserves cancelling. But space is at a premium and the cancellation scythe’s swing is remorseless.

2nd December: Cheryl

Somehow isn’t cancelled for being problematic this year. And instead is being cancelled for getting boring. Funny world.

Bonus cancellation: While we’re at it, Liam Payne is cancelled for his entire existence.

3rd December: Dr Alex

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Seriously, is he a doctor or is he a TV personality? Can he just decide already because the NHS is currently short of staff. I’m sorry but you can’t have both, that’s not how the real world works.

4th December: Meal deals

You cycle between the same three packets of crisps (Sunbites, Doritos/Kettle chips, and a ‘fun’ Wotsits/Monster Munch one for when you’re feeling silly), probably have one set sandwich, and feel like you’re pissing money away any time you get a drink that isn’t the most expensive Naked smoothie.

The fun, adventurous culture around the #humble meal deal has gone. Adding a fourth item, a rogue item, endless new permutations, is the only thing that will save it. But they won’t. So we’re taking meal deals out to the shed and sending them to live on a farm with all the other cancelled things.

5th December: Louis Theroux

Hi. Chill out. Louis Theroux is not being cancelled for controversy’s sake. The words feel dirty to type. But necessary – this cancelling is, and I think you know it, the vocalisation of something you’ve been feeling for a long time.

Coming out of the cinema, having paid actual money to watch the Scientology documentary, there was no satisfaction. Louis hadn’t nailed it, but he wasn’t cancelled either.

Step forward a few years, and the weird lack of satisfaction grows. I don’t know what it is, but mid-career Theroux feels like a transition. Listen to him in interviews and it’s clear he’s grappling with middle age, compelled to trade the kooky subjects for heavier, more soul-searching stuff about death and polyamory.

And the truth is, for the first time, we don’t feel anguish if we miss one of his documentaries.

6th December: Africa by Toto

Sorry, but this song is not lit enough to justify whole club nights playing it on repeat. Whether it’s Bristol or London, clubs are queuing up to cynically bless the rains down in Africa all night. To whose benefit? Not the club’s patrons, but the viral content industry.

Hand on heart, ask yourself if you really know what to do whilst the intro plods along. Cancelled!

7th December: Boring Prince Harry

I miss the old Harry, play naked pool Harry

Single day in rehab Harry, necking Chelsea Davy Harry

I hate the new Harry, the married Harry

Smile and wave Harry, expectant dad Harry

8th December: Jamie Oliver

Just one final cancelling of the naked chef to make sure he doesn’t get anywhere near your fat-drenched roast potatoes. Prodding Jamie’s body to make sure he’s finally cancelled, after a year of bad business and worse food opinions. It’s time to put him out of his misery by stuffing his Essex mouth full of cheap fast food until he can never say “pukka” again, and whispering “Turkey Twizzlers send their regards” as his eyes beg for mercy.

9th December: Fairytale of New York

It was inevitable. Everyone had been kinda putting up with that line. It’s a universally loved Christmas song. But ask not for whom cancel culture sends, it sends for the Fairytale of New York.

10th December: Working in recruitment

At some point, every final year student experiences the following feeling: FuckfuckfuckfuckI’mgraduatinganddon’tknowwhattodowithmylife.

Ahead of you lies the desperate grad crossroads. To the left is teaching. But you don’t actually want to help people. You want a moderate amount of money and could picture yourself with a cocaine intake that’s somewhere between a habit and a problem. Oh look! Recruitment.

11th December: The X Factor

It’s been a long 15 years. Just let it fucking go. The producers have capitalised on vulnerable, naive members of the public. None of the music is even good anymore. How can two out of the four judges be Robbie Williams and his wife??? Enjoy your money Simon Cowell and get off my television.

This rendition of Baby Shark is the ultimate proof that The X Factor needs to be cancelled. Forever. And in our hearts. RIP.

12th December: White t-shirt socials

Fine on the last day of school. But at a uni social, what good could come of this? After 15 long years of people writing dumb shit on people’s t-shirts, you really wonder why they’re still a thing. You end up in The Tab. Not good.

13th December: Fila Disruptors

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They’re not even ugly edgy, they’re just ugly. The Fiat 500 of the ugly trainers. Basic and owned by every 16 year old in this country.

14th December: HQ Trivia

Back in summer, gathering round a single iPhone at a set time of the day, watching the weird host read out brain teasers as you try and beat everyone else to the cash prize was totally normal. Get enough right and upwards of a thousand pounds (a thousand pounds?) was guaranteed.

Now? Congratulations! The reward for nailing increasingly difficult trivia questions, as the weak wither away? Forty nine pence.

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15th December: Middle class boys with peroxide shaved heads

You’re thinking of Jamie Laing aren’t you?

16th December: Going to Bali

Just as sincerely enjoying full moon parties in Thailand was cancelled approximately two and a half years ago, now comes the time of Bali.

You’re not going to “find yourself”, you’re purely going for the Instas. Stop it.

17th December: People who are still talking about the World Cup

It might be coming home, but if it’s still part of your patter, literally no girls are.

18th December: Jameela Jamil

At first she was making valid points. Yes, detox teas do just make you shit. Yes, airbrushing gives a false standard of beauty. But then Jameela just wouldn’t shut up and the tide turned pretty fucking quickly on her. She’s now calling for all airbrushing to be banned and made illegal. And I’m not being funny, it’s very easy to say that when you look like Jameela, but not everyone has pretty privilege and looks flawless like she does, at all time. Tb to when Alicia Keys said women shouldn’t wear make-up. Or the time Christina Aguilera sang “Beautiful”. It’s not really the same when you’re a famous, thin and clearly a very attractive woman.

19th December: Strongbow Dark Fruits

If this was a LADvent calendar, sure, Dark Fruits would have pride of place. Right up there alongside the denim jackets with sheepskin collars and not rating the new Arctic Monkeys album. Alas, we can’t cancel the lot, so we’ll stop at Dark Fruits, the sugary personality substitute whose moment has firmly passed.

20th December: Gemma Collins

Last year she fell through a stage, which was funny, but not cancellable. But this year, Queen GC outdid herself when she did this horrendously awkward interview with Now magazine. Well… she actually refused to do it because the interviewer hadn’t read her book (which hadn’t been released at the time or sent to the interviewer by Gemma’s PR.) Also, anyone who charges young children £12 for a selfie is cancelled.

21st December: Small sunglasses

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They do absolutely nothing for your vision, don’t protect you from harmful UV rays and make you look like one of the blind mice from Shrek. Stop small sunglasses in 2019.

22nd December: Boomerangs

Just like Fiat 500 twitter, this trend should have been left in 2017. It’s either a picture or a video. Nothing should exist in between.

23rd December: The NUS

As years for the NUS go, they’ve had a fairly scandal-free year. Aside from 150 protestors occupying the stage at their conference, that was less of a farce than usual. So how come they’re being cancelled? Not only are unis still voting to leave, but unless they sort themselves out, the NUS will be gone in Spring. Lost to bankruptcy. Adieu, mon cherie. Who will sort out every problem in world politics now?

24th December: Student Tories

Not been a good year for student Tories. I mean, no worse than all the others but…give it up?

25th December: Talking about veganism

For years, everyone thought vegans talking about being vegans was the most annoying thing going. Then, this year, we discovered the only thing worse: non-vegans talking about veganism.

Everyone knows you should probably be vegan, or at least, you know, cut down on meat. What needs cancelling is the weird relitigation of the debate on a biweekly basis. The weird butterfly effect that starts with a vegan doing something somewhere, cycles through a few outraged tweets, a One Show segment, and ends up with Holly and Phil pitting a bemused turkey farmer against an attractive vegan on This Morning.

Shut the fuck up, everyone. And Merry Christmas x