The 42 most soul destroying moments from Zoella’s new book ‘Cordially Invited’

What did I just read


Everyone’s favourite woman-child is back this Christmas to empty more of your pockets! That’s right, this time she’s written a book. And she may have actually written this one because it’s the worst thing I’ve ever read.

Cordially Invited is “a seasonal guide to celebrations and hosting.” And if you’re wondering what kind of a party Zoella throws for her adult-child friends, it’s something along the lines of a cereal party and a den party (more on that later). As you would expect, she’s charging £20 for 255 pages worth of non-information, most of which are staged pictures of her and her friends pretending to enjoy their existence.

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The 28-year-old blogger and YouTuber has recently transformed herself into an older, more mature Zoe Sugg, but you’d be forgiven for thinking she’s still 16 because in this book, she still includes tips from her mum. I’m not joking.

With the creative capabilities of a teenager, she has written a guide on how to be the most normal person ever. And it goes a little something like this: “Ever since I was little, I enjoyed eating, having friends, staying at home, my mother’s love and breathing oxygen – and this is how you can too.”

It’s confusing who the book is for exactly. Some parts of the book include instructions on making paper chains and other basic recipes aimed at children, but turn a page and you’ll find a guide on how to clean your kitchen pantry and stock up on booze. It’s a book written for everyone but shockingly, it seems to appeal to no one in particular??

To save you 20 quid and stop bashing your head against a rose gold decorated pumpkin, I present to you the 42 most ridiculous bits of Zoella’s wisdom:

1. Throw a Cereal Party for your friends! (p.187)

Gather round different types of cereal with different types of milk (provide alternatives, of course) and you can spend the entire evening mixing and matching!

2. Throw a Rainy Day Den party (p.218)

When you’ve run out of cereal, build a den and get other 28-year-olds to sit in it with you. Relive the childhood you never had!

3. Restock the pantry (p.17)

I didn’t even know what a pantry was until I read this book and I was born in 1995.

4. If you don’t have enough time to write a handwritten invitation, make a Facebook event! (p.56)

I’m not making this up.

5. Have a ‘let’s exchange a gift’ sleepover (p.192)

A reminder that the author of this book is 28-years-old.

6. The games you should play during a house party are:

– Rounders (Rounders?! Who has the SPACE for a game of rounders in their living room?)

– Boom Boom Balloon

– Bean Boozled

– Giant Jenga

– Twister

7. Write your guest’s name on a chalkboard when they arrive at your party (p.97)

Because that’s not intense at all.

8. Switch your bedding to a lower-tog duvet in the Spring (p.17)

9. Open windows and doors (p.17)

To get some fresh air in your room, because Zoella’s book aims to keep you locked indoors for an entire year.

10. Place tiny fluffy plastic chicks wherever you can around your home (p.19)

???

11. Mum’s tip: Put out snacks and nibbles to go alongside a drink as guests arrive (p.39)

Aka don’t let your guests starve.

12. Bring an umbrella for when it’s raining (p.47)

Because water is wet.

13. Find the nearest bluebells by checking the National Trust website (p.46)

14. Use this recipe to make a ham sandwich (p.51)

You will need: Bread, ham, butter.

15. Make birthday party paper chains (p.64)

For your 12th birthday!

16. Go on a bike ride (p.79)

Thanks Zoe. Will do.

17. Read a book in the garden (p.79)

Unlike Zoella, who evidently doesn’t read many, otherwise she wouldn’t have written this monstrosity.

18. ‘A creative way to extend traditional party invites is to create a puzzle which the guests have to put together to reveal details of the party’

It gets worse: “For example, something edible like an iced and decorated biscuit or a deflated balloon which when blown up reveals everything they need to know.”

19. Ensure you have enough toilet roll when you throw a party

Zoe’s mum also advises you keep fresh towels in the bathroom because damp ones won’t do after a while.

20. Follow this recipe for fruit infused water (p.105)

Ingredients you will need include: Water and fruit.

21. Throw your dog a birthday party (p.124)

There’s a recipe for dog-friendly cupcakes too!

22. Make party hats for your pug! (p.129)

Because you don’t have any friends to throw parties for.

23. Change your bedding to a higher tog and bring out the flannels during Autumn (p.143)

Or you know, you can just freeze to death.

24. Stock up on wood and kindling for the fire (p.143)

For the imaginary fireplace in your imaginary mansion.

25. Start internally getting excited for Christmas (it’s still too early for most people) (p.143)

InTeRnaLly.

26. Mum’s tip: ‘If you have quite a big number of guests coming, plug in some phone chargers around the house so people aren’t coming to ask you where they can find one.’ (p.146)

This. is. the. worst. party. ever.

27. ‘Leave face wipes out for guests who start to rub their hands on their faces or forget they have make-up all over them as the evening draws on. It’s better to have these to hand than to be scrubbing black fingerprints off your white walls the next day!’ (p.146)

Can you think of anything worse than being at a Halloween party and being confronted by Simple make-up wipes in every room?

28. If you’re scared of fireworks, you can watch them from your bedroom window, like Zoella does (p.166)

Better yet, you can watch a live-stream of the fireworks on YouTube! Instead of ever stepping outside the house.

29. Leave a tray of useful things in the guest room which include snacks, headphones, a spare phone charger, sleep mist, spare toothbrush, eye mask, lip balm, dry shampoo, hand sanitiser, hand cream, face mask, chewing gum and a fresh towel and flannel (p.182)

If anyone ever did that to me, I’d be convinced I was their next victim.

30. Write your WiFi code on a chalkboard so all your guests can sync up their devices when they stay over! (p.183)

Christ, how many devices are they bringing over? Also, does Zoella ever speak to her guests? Like, in person?

31. When your friends come over, frame pictures of them and you and put them in the spare bedroom they’re staying in. You can swap the photos for each different person that stays at your house. In Zoella’s words they’ll have ‘something to look back on and reminisce over’ (p.183)

This is so fucked looool. You don’t need to prove your friendship to people by temporarily framing pictures of you and them in a spare bedroom.

32. Say thank you to people who had you stay over (p.185)

You imbecile!

33. For every dinner party or sleepover you have, make a list of everyone who came and list their intolerances and preferences when it comes to food (p.185)

Depending on how much time you have on your hands, you can also write down their weight, height and measure their temperature every time they come to visit.

34. Also make sure to write down what you made for every occasion, how embarrassing for you if you cooked the same thing twice! (p.185)

“Ffs Zoella, you gave us this cereal last time!”

35. Dry orange slices for decoration (p.202)

For added fun, you can watch them dry.

36. When throwing a Christmas party, decide on a number of guests you’re going to invite (p.198)

37. ‘Watch a different Christmas movie every weekend in the lead-up to Christmas (or if you’re like me, every night)’ (p.201)

EVERY NIGHT!!!

38. Mum’s tip: ‘A great, easy party game is to put a pile of fabric scraps, bin liners etc. into the middle of the room and get all the guests to make themselves an outfit to be judged. Be warned – this can get seriously competitive!’ (p.216)

Is it possible that Zoella’s mum has less fun than her??

39. Send your New Year’s Eve party invitations at least a couple of months in advance (p.223)

A couple of months!!! Have you ever been invited to a NYE event in October? This is what you do when you’re scared people won’t come to your event!!

40. Decorate your bar cart! (p.225)

You know that bar cart next to your imaginary fireplace? The one with 20 different bottles of liqueur you definitely can’t afford?

41. Make your Valentine a cushion which says ‘BE MINE’ (p.241)

It won’t make you look needy at all.

42. Spray your guests’ pillows with lavender scented sleep spray (p.8)

Before you murder them.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Calling time on Zoella, the 27-year-old woman-child who needs to let go

YouTuber accused of re-selling ‘unwanted’ and ‘used’ products in £49 Christmas advent calendar

Stop Alfie Deyes, the YouTuber moron who can’t control what comes out of his mouth