Finally, we’re all realising what an elitist, meddling hypocrite Jamie Oliver really is
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TAKE A DAY OFF FROM RUINING EVERYTHING
Cast your mind back to primary school. The days when you had no stress or exams or overdrafts to worry about. You had all the time in the world and literally zero responsibilities. Your main concerns were who you were going to play with and what was for lunch that day.
I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood existence was the humble Turkey Twizzler. It was processed, over-salty, obviously terrible for you, but fucking delicious. It was an innocent treat that never really did the world any harm.
But for some reason, some God-given moral imperative, maybe just because he was bored, Jamie Oliver took it upon himself to get them banned from schools. Yeah, they're obviously not great for children, yeah they're probably made of turkey appendixes and processed claws but also who made Jamie Oliver the nation's nutritionist? If children occasionally want to experience the joy of processed food once in a while, who is Jamie Oliver to stop them?
Annoyingly, Jamie's exploits didn't end there. Nearly 13 years after his original "I'm bored what can I ruin today" idea, he's still up to the same shit. And today's lovely thing he is determined to ruin: two for one Pizzas. He's decided that poor people eat them too much and they need to be banned. He wants Nicola Sturgeon to back the plan in Scotland where childhood obesity is on the rise.
Jamie Oliver is just raging at the UK cause everybody loves Gordon Ramsay, get tae fuck Jamie ya mad sugar vampire
— graham (@grahamglvr) May 16, 2018
I've just seen that Jamie oliver is getting 2 for 1 pizza deals banned? This little cunt has gone one step too far now that's an assault on my lifestyle and beliefs
— Kathryn (@biscoffbabe) May 15, 2018
When he's not selling bland, mediocre food in his slowly decaying restaurant empire, Jamie travels the world to patronise others about their life choices and lecture people that aren't worth £400m about how to spend their limited income.
This is a man who is so far removed from what it's like to be a normal person in the UK that this is what he chose to name his children:
Poppy Honey Rosie
Daisy Boo Pamela
Petal Blossom Rainbow
Buddy Bear Maurice
River Rocket Blue Dallas
And I'm sorry if any of Jamie's kids read this, but frankly he has exercised such poor judgement here that I really don't think we can trust him with the health of our children. Just watch this clip where he has absolutely no time for these adorable children who just want some tasty chicken nuggets:
I think more than anything with Jamie, it's the hypocrisy that people cannot stand. He's on a crusade against sugar, but promotes food and drinks that have six times your daily allowance in. He wants Burger King to back his push for healthier food, but sells a burger that has nearly twice as much fat as a whopper.
You could say that Jamie is well-intentioned, you could even suggest that it is probably a good thing we all eat a bit better. I'm not arguing against that.
But what I do think is ridiculous is that Jamie only goes after low-income people. He has no problem with middle class families spending 50 quid on food full of fat and sugar, if they're doing it at his restaurants. If he cared so deeply and passionately about the damage that sugar and fat is doing to our society, why did he open up 41 restaurants that serve food that's terrible for you?
No-one's saying that Jamie shouldn't be allowed to serve stupid food served on planks that has a million grams of sugar, but it feels a little bit much to be told that sugar is the devil and children can't eat chicken nuggets by someone who's made his fortune selling food that's just as unhealthy.
I think it's also important to mention that not everything Jamie does is bad. I have personally used his turkey recipe for the last four Christmases, I think his 30 minute meals are pretty decent and his last book is actually alright. I don't mind the whole cheeky chappy shtick he does when he's telling me to baste every 30 minutes or use five lemons and a litre of olive oil to make anything. I don't even mind it when he travels to some random place and calls everyone "brother".
But when it comes to policing the health of the nation, it's just too much. If you want to be responsible for childhood obesity and problems with access to too much fast food, you should run a government department. You shouldn't get to make millions of pounds a year selling unhealthy food to Surrey dads and then have the cheek to come for people who don't have a choice to eat there.
It's been 13 years since Jamie started his healthy crusade, and quite frankly I think it's gone on long enough.
In those 13 years, he's appeared everywhere. He's on TV telling you how to cook, his face is in Sainsbury's selling you pans, he's on Brighton pier with Alesha Dixon making little in-jokes even though they've probably met like twice, he's in parliament with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall angrily holding up a Yazoo. You can't escape him. And now, he's reaching out of the TV and onto your plate. He's taking away the Domino's you ordered because you've had a shitty week and he's replacing it with a massive plank of wood and a £7.20 burrata.
Not to get too "mums-feeding-their-kids-chips-through-the-school-fence" about this, but it's time Jamie Oliver let us make our terrible choices in peace and got back to doing what people actually like him for.
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IT WAS ABOUT TIME
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times x