What your controversial British crisp opinion says about your general vibe
Stay away from a man who eats Twiglets
Despite your best efforts to pretend to be normal, you’re always letting little bits of your real personality slip out. It shows itself in the things you do, the words you say, the foods you eat.
Take your crisp choices, for example. If you eat McCoys, you’re uncomfortable in your masculinity; if you indulge in Wotsits, you’re probably a stunted man-child.
Don’t believe us? Find your favourite British crisp below and see what it says about your general vibe.
Adult life is tough, and chewing is even tougher. That’s why you go for melt-in-your-mouth Skips, shaped like flowers, the cardboardy-cheese fizzle on your tongue giving you a brief respite from the fact that the world in 2017 is a cruel and chaotic place.
Ever since your mum used to pack these in your lunchbox, you have continued to eat them.
You don’t like change; you abhor it. You spend your spare time red-eyed in your bedroom, eating bag after bag of Quavers, complaining on internet forums that Idris Elba is “not British enough” to play James Bond.
Pickled Onion Monster Munch
You don’t care about your personal hygiene, and thus spend most of your time with neon orange dusting on your fingers and the lingering stench of synthetic onion on your breath. You don’t often tidy your room, and you certainly don’t have a girlfriend.
Roast Beef Monster Munch
You’re a burly kinda guy and probably enjoying wolfing down a packet of roast beef Monster Munch with a tinnie in the car on the way to the Spurs game.
Manners mean nothing to you as you pick your nose, taste the remnants then dive straight back into the Monster Munch packet before sucking on all your fingers with your big slobbery tongue. Wetherspoons is your hang out, where two pints of lager and a packet of crisps is your literal go-to.
You barely leave the house or open your curtains, and the voice you hear the most is Martin Tyler’s. Nik-Naks are your FIFA fuel and the division one title has been yours for as long as you can remember.
You also eat Yorkies and you wear Lynx Africa. You read FHM and you like manly fucking Man Crisps because you are a manly man, so you shove them in your gob five at a time. You will never tell a soul that you actually quite like a finger up the bum.
If you eat these over the age of 10, you are definitely on some sort of register.
You still dig between the sofa cushions to get shrapnel to go to the shop.
You’re at a Year 7 disco.
You probably still call Starbursts “Opal Fruits”.
Walkers Ready Salted
You’re a straight-up person – you know what you like, and you definitely know what you dislike. Anything new, trendy or exciting in life, like smashed avocado, genuinely scares you.
You’ll probably never move out from the hometown you grew up in, will always get at least eight hours sleep and have the same weak cup of tea every night before bedtime.
Walkers Prawn Cocktail
You go home every weekend to feed because you can’t afford to look after yourself, and they’re all mum still has in the cupboard on a Sunday night. C’mon mate, you’re better than this.
Walkers Roast Chicken
A little known fact about the North of England is that up there, gravy legally counts as one of your five-a-day. But because it’s 2017 and we all lead busy lives, some choose to get their gravy in the form of Walkers crisps that taste like they’ve been rubbed in Bisto powder.
It may not be a Sunday roast, but it’s meaty enough to make your breath smell like it.
Everything is performative with you; everything is a bit of a joke. You ruin house parties by putting on comedy songs like Jizz In My Pants and then pointing at the speaker and laughing. You draw on your mates’ faces while they’re sleeping.
You’re quirky and you’re a laugh, and no-one, despite your best efforts to be a classic bloke, will ever choose you as their Best Man.
You’re not quite hardcore enough for McCoys, but you’d feel emasculated with a pink bag of Prawn Cocktail. You’re the only man in the world who buys Walkers MAX, and you stare smugly around as you imbibe scoop after scoop of bland ridged paprika from a regular-sized bag which seems to never end.
You don’t often get invited on nights out, and you don’t know why.
You panicked in the shop, and your lack of resolve has cost you dearly.
You’re agoraphobic and mistrusting, and you separate the foods on your plate by colour. When the phone rings, you don’t answer.
Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations
You may not be the centre of attention, but that’s fine with you. You’re the dark, mysterious but deeply cool outsider who everyone wishes they could be. You dress in all black everything, giving off a dangerous, devil-may-care attitude to all that you do.
Oh, and you’re rich as balls.
Cool Original Doritos
You’re no fun at parties.
Tangy Cheese Doritos
You’re some fun at parties.
Chilli Heatwave Doritos
You’re a lot of fun at parties.
You are a cheesy-fingered child. Your computer keyboard is sticky and nothing you own is clean. You wipe your hands on the back of your black jeans and everyone knows it, babe. Everyone knows it.
Pret Kale Crisps
You shovel these bitter salty pieces of soggy earth into your mouth and wash them down with soulless green juice before heading to the gym for your second workout of the day, sombrely aware that in your pursuit of #wellness, you’ve given up on genuine enjoyment. Still, it all looks good on your Instagram.
You are on a “diet,” even though you think a bag of Pop Chips a day gives you free reign to gorge on Kit Kat Chunkies and never once entertain the idea of going near a gym.
Yeah, you could buy four packets of normal crisps for the amount you spend on one packet of Coconut Chips, but at least these make you look like you’ve got your shit together and boast 25k Instagram followers.
No healthy lifestyle is worth this.
You did Film Studies at uni and now you’re on the dole and Space Raiders are 10p.
You were born without taste buds and are unable to distinguish between right and wrong.
“Oh goodness, I must remember to pay the nanny” you think to yourself. You’re in Waitrose, your kids are at a school you fought bloody hard to get them into and your husband is somewhere in the city hating life for £120k a year. You describe things as scrummy, moreish or yum yum indeed!
You enjoy the finer things in life: the villa in Puerto Banús, the new extension to your already palatial Surrey home and delicious hand cooked crisps are what you choose to spend your money, and who can blame you, the Kettle is the crisp of the polished classes.
Those weird popcorn ones
You’re gullible. So gullible that you honestly believe the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary, and that eating a bag of popcorn a day is somehow “good” for you because you saw it on an advertising billboard at a train station.
Tyrrells Vegetable Chips
You vote Tory.
You vote UKIP.
If you don’t eat these and taste in the back of your throat the bitter disappointment that they’re not bacon fries (scampi fries’ fitter brother) then you’re either a liar or you have really depressingly low expectations in life.
Desperately trying to recapture a lost youth spent adorning your fingers with beautiful potato rings.
Those Lidl own-brand Hula Hoops
You still want to put the hoops on your fingers and have a fun time, but you’re also fiscally responsible.
You are a masochist. You want to punish yourself with tiny jolts of pain in everyday life. You are a budget Christian Grey.
That’s why you’ve chosen to eat French Fries, the crunchiest and most flavourless of the crisp world, the crisp equivalent of a ball gag, so that you can end your snack with tiny lacerations on the roof of your mouth like you’re fucking Silas or something.
You have a devastatingly low IQ and you don’t know what a crisp is.
There is nothing but a void between your ears. You stand silently in conversations and wait for your turn to speak. It never comes.
Sour Cream and Chive Pringles
You’re just really sound, aren’t you? You know full well you could finish a tube of this deliciously more-ish snack to yourself, but still you share it around like the absolute legend you are.
You have many friends, and most of them look up to you. You are the warm, shining light in the centre of this chaotic world.
Texas BBQ Pringles
You stay up late on a Sunday night in February to watch the Super Bowl.
You take your shirt off in the park whenever the weather says “lightly cloudy.”
You are in your mid-forties.