Since when did middle class hot boys start shaving all their hair off
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up
Why does every well spoken hot boy I know look like Eleven from Stranger Things all of a sudden? Over the past month there has been a significant rise in men shaving their hair off. And I am not talking about art school types in platform docs and netted black vests or Stone Island wearers who support West Ham. I mean those young men that your mum would describe as a "lovely boy". Yes if Hugh Grant was in 2018 he would have a level one buzz cut.
I am not imagining this, Twitter users everywhere are confused:
WHY ARE GUYS SHAVING THEIR HEAD? is this a movement? what is happening? i hate zayn. goodbye.
— nicole 🎄✨ (@Nikkiemilyy) September 4, 2017
WHY SLOWLY ALL THE GUYS FRM MY COURSE SHAVING THEIR HEAD WTHECK IS HAPPENING AKU LOST
— Schawt (@schawtt) September 4, 2017
To prove my hypothesis, here is a graph illustrating the decisive increase in people Googling "skinhead" from early January to July 2017 (something which is defs gonna spike early 2018).
So what guy am I actually talking about? Well he wears nice navy corduroy shirts, North Face puffers, he is always in Carhartt and loves muted colours like forest green and mustard yellow. The sorts of guys who like explaining the entire plot of the documentary on Scientology they watched last night, men who like it when their girlfriend takes candid pictures of them drinking pints.
A few years ago the choice look of these men was that floppy brown posh boy hair, but now they look like Renton in Trainspotting. Except on the bottom half they are wearing a £30 t-shirt from an obscure online boutique that they spent literally weeks searching for.
So why is this hairless epidemic taking place? Is it because Eminem just did that song with Beyonce? Is it because Amber Rose's slutwalk got a load of coverage on E! Entertainment? I spoke to William Babbington, 23 a model and Philosophy student currently living with his mum in West London: "Honestly, the main reason I did it was because of Bieber. It also seemed like the most appropriate form of resistance against the egregious men with long ponytails and beards. Men with long hair are inevitable douchebags, so it's my own personal signifier that I am not a fucking schweff".
Whereas Matt Howard, 21, studying Politics at the University of East Anglia told me: "To be honest, I was just curious to see and thought fuck it. I’d wanted to do something different with my hair for a while since I had the most bog standard white guy haircut. The messy bed hair kind of look with short back and sides."
Whilst Guy Harper, 22, studying Politics & International Relations at Cardiff University explained: "I shaved it all off because I previously had blonde highlights and I thought it might save some hassle to just get rid of everything, rather than gradually cut out the blonde. I was also just pretty curious to see what it would look like on me. Short hair feels really satisfying."
It is totally working for me. The razor blade is a perfect tool for slicing away that whiff of kale and unpaid internships. It actually makes these guys look kinda hard. Kinda.
To get a professional opinion on why the hell this is happening I spoke to Nathan Dell, a professional hairstylist working in London. "A lot of this is down to male fashion models and celebrities doing the same to achieve a more mature and masculine look. For example Jamie Laing, who can probably come across childish throughout his T.V career so far is now trying to don a new fresh, more masculine look, almost to give his look a new lease of life. I also think most men, shave their heads either in the new year (new year, new me) or in the summer, as we find this is also a time that people want to refresh their look. It is mainly because alpha males are more confident in experimenting with their appearance and look nowadays".
He is right, this whole Sinead O'Connor look began with Jamie Laing. Then there was model Isaac Carew, Liam Payne from One Direction, Zayn Malick and BBC drama fitty James Norton had a skinhead for a while. And these shaved heads weren't for a Red Nose Day fundraising events, these were all considered aesthetic choices.
But what if we are totally missing the point here? Aren't all these shaved heads totally problematic? How do all the football fans feel? Those guys with kits from 1997 who drink Amstel and get turned away from Prysm for being in a "big group" aka bouncers associate their hair with a knuckle duster.
Things to leave in 2017: South London art types culturally appropriating football skinheads by shaving their hair off
— greg (@GregBarradale) January 2, 2018
Now all of these stand up gentlemen who do uselessly intellectual degrees like History, that drink expensive coffee and listen to Lo-Fi house on Spotify are totally nabbing their style, and they still get let into Fabric. I mean if wearing Vans is culturally appropriating skating culture then skinheads are probs not okay. Feel free to put these guys on blast on Twitter.