Here’s how every Durham college would fare in The Hunger Games

If The Hunger Games happened in Durham, it would be colleges battling it out – alliances forged on the Hill, betrayals on the Bailey, and cannons echoing over Elvet Riverside. The resulting game would be chaotic, treacherous, and dramatic.

So, if for some reason The Hunger Games came true and were set in Durham, here’s a blow-by-blow (literally) account of what would happen:

17. St. Chad’s

And the first cannon’s gone off..! Chad’s’ reputation as a friendly and welcoming college definitely would damage their chances in the games. They would be the first targets of Hatfield and Castle (the career tributes) – this is only made worse by the fact that there are about six people in Chad’s overall. Plus, there’s so much infighting in Chad’s that if Hatfield and Castle don’t get them, they’ll just take each other out.

16. St. John’s

John’s has the same problem as Chad’s. Small, centrally located, and the likely first targets of the Hatfield-Castle career group. The only reason they’re not first is because Chad’s were en route. Plus, the people of John’s have a generally calming aura – definitely not suited for the games.

15. John Snow

Meanwhile, on the hill, Josephine Butler and Stevo will have teamed up. John Snow would probably be their first target. Snow doesn’t present a particularly united front (what is the Snow USP?), making them an easy target for other colleges. RIP.

14. St. Aidan’s

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The only reason why Aidan’s isn’t first is because it’ll take everyone a hot second to work up the courage to climb all those steps. Aidan’s students just don’t have the brutality required to be successful in these games – they’re welcoming, accepting, and innocent. This loss would be a particularly tragic one for the Capitol audiences.

13. Grey

Like Mary’s, Grey would be aggressive. But this aggression would be completely unexpected, catching the other tributes off guard. Unlike Mary’s, however, Grey would be united, coordinated, and prepared. This, unfortunately, would be no match for Stevo and Jobo after their spree.

12. St. Cuthbert’s

It’s complicated. Overall, the people of Cuth’s would survive for a fair amount of time. The people of Prison Cuth’s are far enough away that they’re nobody’s first target. Plus, they’re adapted to living in a climate of despair and uncertainty. As for Bailey Cuth’s, they’d unfortunately perish shortly after John’s, leaving Prison Cuth’s vulnerable to attack.

11. South

The reason why South has lasted this long is because the Stevo-Jobo team kind of forgot they existed when they left John Snow. Ultimately, they remembered and were victorious. As the newest of the bunch, South would not be experienced fighters. It would make for some very tragic television.

10. St. Mary’s

Mary’s lack strategy but excel in aggression. They’d be able to defend their territory effectively, but when leaving their campus they’d be completely exposed due to a lack of unity and order. After an encounter with Hatfield and Castle, who’d be making their way up the hill after travelling to Prison Cuth’s, Mary’s would perish. Whilst they’d be worthy competition, they unfortunately would not be our victors.

9. Trevelyan

After taking out Mary’s, Trevs would be next. Hidden in their “modern castle,” Trevs would do unexpectedly well, rising as a fan favourite and underdog among viewers. However, the combination of Stevo and Jobo would prove too vicious for Trevs, who hadn’t made any alliances. Ultimately, Trevs would fight valiantly but unfortunately would not outlive the following colleges.

8. St. Hild and St. Bede

After hearing the distant cries from South, Snow, and Trevs, the Castle-Hatfield pack would travel back down the hill to regroup. Before facing their major competitors, the careers would make the strategic decision to take out the lesser competition (Hild Bede and Ustinov). While Hild Bede would have stocked up on supplies and reinforced Rushford Court, they unfortunately wouldn’t make it out alive. However, the victorious pack would end up limping away battered and bruised.

7. Ustinov

After Hild Bede, Ustinov would be the next stop for the careers. While Ustinov has a huge amount of students, they would still not have enough energy to beat the brutal Hatfield-Castle pack. However, when the Bailey pack would arrive, they’d discover that the people of Ustinov were in fact already perishing from natural causes (not being near to natural resources like Tesco and Urban Oven).

6. Castle

Castle and Hatfield would then decide to attempt an attack on the remaining tributes. As Mildert, Stephenson, Josephine Butler, and Collingwood are based on the Hill, they would need to make their way back up towards it after finishing off Ustinov. Unfortunately, this would not end well for the Bailey set, with Castle ultimately perishing in the fight and Hatfield only making it out barely.

5. Stephenson

When entering Van Mildert, the Stephenson-Jobo alliance would crumble. They’d assume that Van Mildert would be an easy target, but the people of Jobo would be forced to use the people of Stevo as a shield. Thus, Stephenson would be the next to perish. You know what they say about people who assume…

4. Hatfield

After hiding in the woods to regain their energy and mourn their lost friends, Hatfield would be approached by Mildert who, before this point, had been hiding out and fortifying their campus. Although Hatfield would be vicious and determined fighters, they’d also be overconfident (especially after outliving District One (Castle)). Mildert would ultimately clear them in one of the most intense battles of the games.

3. Josephine Butler

While Hatfield and Mildert fight, Butler would approach Collingwood – who up until this point would be doing press-ups and drinking protein shakes in preparation. Butler’s success in the games would lead them to overestimate their power and underestimate the sheer vitality of Collingwood. Collingwood, who have basically been training for this event since it was established in 1972, would unfortunately wipe the floor with Jobo. RIP.

2. Collingwood

After the great takedown of Hatfield, Mildert would return to their base to prepare for the final battle. Collingwood, the district four of Durham, would be on the offensive after their attack on Jobo and would travel to Mildert for the ultimate battle. Collingwood would expect to finish Mildert off easily, seeing as they’re considered an irrelevant college. But, ultimately, Mildert would choreograph an ingenious attack, poisoning their lake, which Collingwood would drink from before entering the building. Once weakened, Mildert would be able to take out Collingwood once and for all.

1. Van Mildert

Mildert, in the end, would be the victors that nobody expected. A truly underrated college with a wealth of natural resources to get itself through the games and over 1,500 students, Mildert would be the winners of the Durham Hunger Games.

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