If every Durham college were a Tesco meal deal, here’s what they would be

I’m sure you’ve been wondering: “If my Durham college was transformed into a Tesco meal deal, what exactly would that meal deal be and why?” Well, this question has, naturally, kept me up at night too. So, I have spent longer than I’d care to admit curating the perfect meal deal for every Durham college, hopefully capturing the essence of each one. Bon appetit.

Castle

Main: Yo! crispy chicken and duck selection

Snack: Itsu hoison duck bao bun snack pot

Drink: Innocent Blue Bolt juice

Oh, you’re boujee. But you’re not wrong – which is the difference between you and Hatfield. You’re living that £6 meal deal life without a care in the world. All these haters are, indeed, mad because you’re so established.

Collingwood

Main: “Eat Your Greens” feta salad

Snack: Egg protein pot

Snack two: Pickle onion Monster Munch

Drink: Actiph alkaline ionised water

I have no idea what alkaline, ionised water does. But I’m sure the average person at Collingwood does! You may realise that this meal deal has four items (and so in fact does not qualify for the meal deal…) but that’s because the gains are way more important. Something, something, nutrition, something, sport.

Grey

Main: Smoked ham and mature cheddar sub

Snack: Baked sea salt Walkers

Drink: Innocent banana, strawberry, and apple smoothie

Like Grey, this meal deal is not particularly remarkable. It’s a little basic. BUT, fundamentally, there isn’t anything wrong with it! And it isn’t as “grey” as everyone makes out. See, the ham is smoked…!

Hatfield

Main: Scottish salmon and cream cheese sandwich

Snack: Tyrell’s veg crisps

Drink: Purdey’s Rejuvenate drink

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Just look at that sandwich. Tesco’s finest. This meal deal is classy, controversially expensive, but also deeply out of touch. None of the other options say Hatfield like “oat & barley farmhouse loaf” and vegetable crisps. The crisps do, however, have performative vibes.

John Snow

Main: Chicken peanut satay wrap

Snack: Walkers Paprika Max

Drink: Oasis citrus punch

Is there anything objectively unsettling or gross about this meal deal? No. Is it particularly remarkable and perfectly balanced? Also no. This one is, in fact, extremely neutral – a little weird but not whimsical. No one would laugh at your meal deal, but no one would say “wow, that’s such a good choice!” The same can be said about your college.

Josephine Butler

Main: Chicken salad sandwich

Snack: Maltesers

Drink: Irn Bru

This is an extremely sound meal deal, because Jobo is a fundamentally decent college. Great sandwich, amazing snack. The Irn Bru is just there to represent the fact that Jobo is so far away it’s basically in Scotland.

South

Main: Ham no mayo sandwich

Snack: Doritos chill heatwave

Drink: Evian water

Unfortunately, this is an NPC meal deal for a rather NPC place. Again, there’s nothing wrong this. But not much is right about it either. South strikes me as a blank canvas of a place with major backrooms aura. HOWEVER, I gave you the Doritos because not all hope is lost – South has the potential to be cool, but it hasn’t properly set itself apart from the other colleges yet.

St. Aidan’s

Main: Plant Chef red pepper and falafel sandwich

Snack: Squares Rice Krispies

Drink: Mango, passionfruit, and orange smoothie

Colourful, fun, maybe a bit weird. This meal deal is very Aidan’s. I can picture you offering to share this sandwich with a friend. The sandwich looks a bit mid, so they’ll probs say no, but I’m sure the generous, welcoming Aidan’s spirit was appreciated.

St. Chad’s

Main: Deli-style cheese and pickle sandwich

Snack: Green olives

Drink: Innocent green alert smoothie

Chad’s is known for its friendly and welcoming nature. But, based on all the anecdotes I’ve heard in Spoons, it’s clear to see there’s drama beyond that ridiculously pretty Quad Bar. Chad’s emerges as a controversial college that you either love or hate. Hence the pickles and olives. Iconic either way, I suppose. As for the clear overall aesthetic, Chad’s is known for nothing if not its unhealthy obsession with the colour green.

St. Cuthbert’s

Main: Chicken, tomato, and basil pasta

Snack: Sensations

Drink: Red Bull

On the Bailey but down to earth, Cuth’s is a very respectable college. That’s why Cuth’s gets a respectable meal deal – but it still has a little edge with the spiciness of the Sensations and the mildly concerning shivers you may get from the Red Bull.

St. Hild and St. Bede

Main: Southern fried chicken pasta

Snack: Roast beef Monster Munch

Drink: Harry Brompton’s lemon and lime iced tea

Hild Bede is often misinterpreted as irrelevant and “far away”, despite being in an extremely convenient location, both at Rushford Court and, previously, at its Riverside site (rest in peace). That’s why this meal deal just makes sense. All of these items are sound. They’re just not the most obvious or popular choices. By which I mean the drink had no ratings on the Tesco website. Justice for Hild Bede.

St. John’s

Main: Prawn mayo sandwich

Snack: Soreen banana loaf

Drink: San Pellegrino

I wasn’t sure how to make a meal deal pious and mysterious, but here’s my best attempt. The banana loaf, simple sandwich, and water are classic church snacks. And the prawn mayo was out of stock on the website too, which reflects your impenetrably aloof aura.

St. Mary’s

Main: Tuna and sweetcorn pasta

Snack: Oreos

Drink: Strawberry Yop

Word on the street is that Mary’s has a primary school-esque interior. In order to reflect that, we’ve composed a rather unproblematic meal deal with an undeniably primary school edge. When you’ve got essays to write and lectures to survive, you need a meal that’s cheap, filling, and will keep you awake for a few hours. The tuna pasta is slightly sad, slightly boring — very Mary’s “studious but still fun sometimes” energy. As for the Oreos, they balance out the tuna sadness — a little indulgence hidden in the otherwise “mature” meal.

Stephenson

Main: Chicken club sandwich

Snack: Lion bar

Drink: Red Bull

Stephenson is a completely underrated college. With a lovely bar, super sound people, and seemingly nice accommodation, it’s a hidden gem. As a result, you get this perfectly decent meal deal, featuring a Red Bull to ensure you’ve got enough energy for your travels up the hill.

Trevelyan

Main: Honey and mustard chicken pasta

Snack: Forest Feast dark chocolate cashews

Drink: Green machine Naked juice

A weird and unsettling meal deal for a weird and unsettling college. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the snack or drink (not sure I can say the same for that pasta), but the combination makes this straight up wrong. The same can be said of Trevs, which takes the innocent hexagon and puts it into an utterly disturbing formation.

Ustinov

Main: Tuna and cucumber sandwich 

Snack: Ginsters steak and cheese pocket (with Marmite)

Drink: Buxton still water

This meal deal is perfect for the postgrads among us. This meal deal is a compilation of the kind of loveable classics fit for a geriatric picnic. See that classic sandwich? Soft for the dentures. And very mature.

Van Mildert

Main: Nacho cheesy chicken wrap

Snack: Cheesestrings

Drink: Tropicana orange juice

Unexpectedly fun, maybe a tiny bit cautious, and slightly obnoxiously yellow. This is the perfect meal deal for the constantly-overlooked but actually dead canny people of Mildert. Just because no one has ever seen this wrap before (???), doesn’t mean it’s not good. Same goes for Van Mildert. P.S. I made sure not to include any of the duck sandwiches or snacks, because I’m sure you’d oppose eating your neighbours.

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