Your Durham college, your Motherland quote

Durham colleges are basically characters in their own right — dramatic, chaotic, and just a little bit ridiculous. So it only feels right to pair them with equally chaotic quotes from one of the best and funniest shows on the BBC…

Castle: ‘It’s a designer jacket!’ – Julia

via BBC

With all their swish formals and balls (someone invite me to your summer ball I’m BEGGING – it looks unreal), the people of Castle are definitely in need of long lockers. “Long Lockers. Lockers for things that are long.” This scene, where Julia has brought her designer jacket to the kids pool party, is very Castle. Everyone I know at Castle is permanently well dressed, no matter the occasion. Even if it’s utterly impractical.

Collingwood: ‘I’ve got a seat in a box – it was my Christmas present from Dan.’ – Paul

via BBC

This whole scene, where Paul is once again auditioning for the title of Worst Husband on Television, gives me major Collingwood energy. It basically sounds the same as when your mate from Collingwood explains why they didn’t turn up to the lecture you both had:

Paul (Collingwood): “I didn’t ask for an early kick-off. Blame bloody Sky, or BT Sport or whatever… That’s the problem with football, there’s so much content for the fans.”

Julia (literally everyone else), before slamming the phone down: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT NOW!”

Honestly, it might as well be a verbatim transcript of a Tuesday night outside Collingwood’s bar.

Grey: ‘What’s my baby’s name??’ – Anne

via BBC

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Anne’s “What’s my baby’s name?” crashout is very Greycore. After being pushed around and taken advantage of by Amanda (the more glamorous Hill colleges like St. Mary’s), Anne finally cracks and confronts her about how little Amanda actually knows about her. Like Anne, Grey is constantly pinned as boring, is perpetually forgotten about for events, and is always overlooked. In reality, it’s actually a central member of the group – sitting in a prime location on the Hill.

Hatfield: ‘Please don’t shout at me on my special day.’ – Amanda

via BBC

This is so quintessentially Amanda – entitled, self-absorbed, and treating her birthday like a national holiday. And truthfully, she’s exactly the kind of person everyone imagines when thinking about Hatfield. This entire episode is so cringeworthy – I feel a piece of my soul withering away every time Amanda thinks something is about her when it isn’t. In fact, it’s obliquely reminiscent of Hatfield’s endless attempts to present themselves as on the same tier as Castle…

That said… I’m starting to feel slightly guilty for (actively contributing to) the relentless shade all Hatfielders face. Maybe it is their special day. Maybe we shouldn’t shout. In the wise words of Julia: “soz!”

John Snow: ‘Christmas is one of my top skills, along with changing duvets and cooking rice.’ – Kevin

via BBC

Frankly, who knows what goes on at John Snow. I almost never see anyone from John Snow in lectures or the club despite having 1,500 students, so I’m going to boldly and very reasonably assume that the only other things they could possibly be doing are cooking rice, changing duvets, or, indeed, celebrating Christmas.

Josephine Butler: ‘I just don’t see why you had to cycle, Paul. It’s 102 miles away.’ – Julia

via BBC

Because the truth is, you need to stop pretending your college is anywhere near the city centre. It’s not, and that’s fine. Embrace living around a gargantuan mound in a field. There’s nothing wrong with being 102 miles away, but there is something wrong with insisting you could easily cycle up that terrible hill. The truth matters.

South: ‘There’s no theme. It’s a BYO theme!’ – Julia

via BBC

This whole scene, where Julia is extemporising the details of Ivy’s birthday party, is brilliantly funny. That quote in particular screams South; their whole vibe is “we’re a blank (slightly soulless) canvas – choose your own destiny xx.” It makes perfect sense; at South their whole thing is “inventing their own traditions,” which is lowkey just another way of saying, “we didn’t think this through either.”

St. Aidan’s: ‘Hey, if you’re going to meet a man, that’s cool too.’ – Amanda

via BBC

While she’s famously not a great ally to literally anyone, this is the moment where Amanda is trying to act cool about her ex-husband dating new people. This one’s self-explanatory really. Aidan’s is definitely most well known for its association with the rainbow and its commitment to diversity and respect for others. Had to give this iconic quote to the “Rainbow College.”

St. Chad’s: ‘She’s great … She’s the best. I don’t like her.’ – Julia

via BBC

Chad’s has a reputation for being tight-knit and friendly. And also concerningly obsessed with green. But, based on countless anecdotes I’ve heard, there’s drama afoot on the Bailey… This line, where Julia is trying to convince herself that she likes her new babysitter, is exactly how I think Chad’s conversations go – trying to maintain a lovely facade, but it ultimately cracking right down the middle.

St. Cuthbert’s: ‘Anne, do you seriously want me to do my dance that got 400 likes on TikTok?’ – Amanda

via BBC

This is genuinely one of the best scenes (and dare I say, the dance is actually very good.) This quote goes to Cuth’s for being a generally fun and sound college. Catered, self-catered, Bailey, Elvet, known for its turnout at Klute. Cuth’s seems to have it all – kind of like Amanda. Whether it actually does is a different question…

St. Hild and St. Bede: ‘I just want to say – I’m really sorry, we’re moving to America.’ – Julia

via BBC

This line, where Julia lies to the nanny she hates to get rid of her, is reminiscent of Hild Bede’s big move from the Riverside site to Rushford Court. Firstly, because everybody makes out like it was 1) a hugely dramatic change and 2) like we are about as far away as America. Secondly, because it is literally a lie.

Now I’ve got your attention, it’s time to debunk one of the most pervasive lies floating about Durham. There are 17 colleges in Durham. There are only FOUR colleges (Castle, John’s, Hatfield, Chad’s) that are closer to Durham Market Place than Hild Bede, making it more conveniently located than 71 per cent of Durham colleges. Justice for Hild Bede.

St. John’s: ‘I love to do events at the school. I love being at school out of hours.’ – Julia

via BBC

Obviously, considering half of the show is Julia trying to escape from her kids and avoid going to any school events, Julia is being sarcastic when she said she loves being at school out of hours. The people of John’s, however, are definitely not. With their very own study centre and their reputation for being studious (and, let’s be real, very tame and angelic), this quote has major John’s energy. You can just picture them saying it with genuine joy, highlighters in hand, on their way to a perfectly planned study session.

St. Mary’s: ‘Oh darling, you look so tired.’ – Felicity

via BBC

I’m not saying you look tired. I’m saying you’d probably tell other people they look tired, which realistically isn’t much better. Jokes aside, Mary’s is pretty, popular, and conveniently located – but it also has major boarding school vibes. And nothing says boarding school like a dolled-up insult. In the wise words of Flavia (our wonderful socials editor) there’s drama behind those cherry trees…

Stephenson: ‘I’ve got a tub of cottage cheese and half a mackerel in the fridge.’ – Julia

via BBC

Trevelyan: ‘Um… love this whole open plan kitchen thing… so great.’ – Amanda

via BBC

This is perhaps one of the most cringeworthy scenes in the whole show, where Amanda is spending Christmas with her ex, his new girlfriend, and her rather evil mother. This is also the live reaction of anyone who doesn’t go to Trevs scrambling to tell their Trevs mate that they love the weird hexagon thing they’ve got going on. “Yeah, yeah… modern castle. Yeah, I definitely see that… No, it doesn’t look like a bunch of weird brick shapes don’t worry girl.”

Ustinov: ‘I’ve never seen him on school soil.’ – Liz.

via BBC

Because who actually has met anyone from Ustinov? I have certainly never seen them on school soil – which is understandable considering a plane really wouldn’t be that unjustified as transportation to their college from Elvet Riverside. Students are starting to wake up to the reality that “Ustinov” may well be a grand running joke and convincing urban legend.

Van Mildert: ‘I’m so sorry I had to come on this bloody stag.’ – Paul

via BBC

Frankly, this scene just looks like something the people of Mildert would get up to. Probably because there’s water in the background and Mildert have their own stagnant pond. And because everyone I know from Mildert loves an unhinged night out, fiercely defends their college, and has strong in-college friendships. If we forget about the fact that Paul is the villain of the show, this looks like a rather heartwarming scene.

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