Happy April Fools’ Day! Here’s every ridiculous way we got you this year, you fools

Some people say that in the year of our lord 2022 we’re past fooling people with fake news stories on April Fools’ Day, but I say let’s just let people have a little bit of fun for a mere few hours on one day out of the year. The world can be a pretty grim place and we all need a pick me up from time to time.

From saying that students from Surrey were being banned from applying to one uni, to another selling university-branded flares, across The Tab it’s been jokes all round and we’ve been mugging you lot right off. If your uni isn’t on this list – you’re boring, soz.

Here are all the headlines across The Tab this April Fools’ Day 2022 that we got you with, you foolish, foolish April fools:

Tab UK

The latest series of The Apprentice has just finished, so we decided it would be a nice opportunity to announce Lord Sugar would be stepping down from hosting the next series – to be replaced by the one and only Molly-Mae Hague. The ex-Love Islander currently using her 24 hours in the day as creative director of PrettyLittleThing, but when heading up The Apprentice she’d move the contestants from London to a luxury villa in Spain. Except it’s not happening, obvs.

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Over in the world of Netflix there was another new TV show host “announced”! We revealed that controversial cast member of Love Is Blind season two, Abhishek “Shake” Chatterjee, will be show’s new host. Season three has already been filmed, so Shake would be taking the reins from Nick and Vanessa Lachey for Love Is Blind season four. Shake told The Tab he’s “extremely excited” about the new role, and can’t wait to get back to the pods to film. He says he’ll be a “guru for the newbies on the show”, offering dating advice, and he’s looking forward to seeing who steps into his “villain shoes”. Well, Shake can still see this, but it will be from the comfort of his own sofa along with everyone else.

Edinburgh

Nothing says “Edin-rah” quite like flares, so The Edinburgh Tab designed its very own Edinburgh Uni branded flares for the university gift shop to “sell”. They even featured a small, discreet pocket at the top – “perfect for stashing your baccy in so you never loose it during those library smoking area revision-break cigs”, it said. At a mere £30 price tag they’d be a bargain, but they do not in fact exist.

Nottingham

Nottingham concocted a “leaked email” from uni staff that said they planned to ban students from Surrey applying there, in an attempt to stop the uni being “overrun” with Southerners and “increase the diversity of the student body”. Obviously this would never happen – the Surrey mummies and daddys would never allow it dahling x

York

It seems like every uni in the country has a specific animal its students are obsessed with – Southampton has rats; Sussex has seagulls; and York has a very tall duck called Long Boi who lives on campus and has almost 50,000 followers on Instagram. Very normal behaviour, so would it be *that* far fetched for the University of York to be changing its logo to feature him as an “ambassador of the university”? Yes, yes it would be absolutely quackers.

Bristol

Many Bristol students believe they belong in iconic TV show Skins, so Bristol “revealed” that Skins is being rebooted and producers are looking for Bristol students to help take part as extras. But put down your Kohl eyeliner, ripped tights and baccy – sadly, Skins isn’t back, huns x

London

It’s a long-held stereotype, so London decided to say that Imperial students would now be required to take a new “social skills module” called Social Dexterity to help them reintegrate. It would be implemented from the start of next uni year and compulsory for all first years for years to come – but alas, it’s all made up.

Leeds

Leeds had another “leaked document” which said the University of Leeds and Leeds Beckett were set to merge from September this year, to become “The Universities at Leeds”. Both current students and incoming freshers at both unis would receive lectures and seminars on both campuses from the next academic year, with libraries and halls open to all students at both unis. Don’t fret Leeds students, such an unthinkable thing would never happen – the fake logo does look great, though.

Warwick

Warwick said the university had announced the launch of a new interdisciplinary module based on the work of Taylor Swift. Content would include the romantic relationships of T Swift (psychology and sociology), her impact on trends and consumerism (economics), and the legal issues of song ownership (law). This may be Warwick students’ Wildest Dreams, but it’s not happening soz x

Birmingham

There’s nothing Brum students love more than Peaky Blinders, which is set in their city, so Birmingham decided to say one of their uni buildings was being renamed Tommy Shelby Tower “to pay respect to” the TV show. A blue plaque would also be erected outside the tower to recognise Shelby, and there would be a grand unveiling ceremony with a “Peaky Blinders chic” dress code. Hold on to your caps before you go to Birmingham – this wasn’t real.

Newcastle

Newcastle said that both their uni and Northumbria had pledged to stop selling baked bean tins on campus, to “combat the beaning crisis”. If you didn’t know, “beaning” is when people pour a tin of beans on someone’s doorstep – usually people record doing this and put it on TikTok, and the craze has taken over Newcastle student areas.

Cambridge

More evidence that uni students really love their animals, Cambridge said the cows that live in King’s College were set to be given honorary fellowships by the college. There was going to be a ceremony in their honour next term – this would even mean the cows were now allowed to walk on the grass but it was not yet clear if the cows would now have the teaching responsibilities normally required of fellows. Totally real Cambridge student April McDonald (see what they did there?) said: “I’m sure dodging the cow pats will become an essential part of my workout routine.”

Lincoln

Yet another uni obsessed with animals, in Lincoln it was the turn of swans. Lincoln said the university is planning on unveiling a swan sculpture on campus to celebrate its 21st anniversary. There won’t be a swan statue, but if any Lincoln students are upset and want to see a swan they won’t have to look far, because swans are everywhere in the city.

Cardiff

If there’s anything Cardiff students live for, it’s Varsity. Cardiff said that its annual Varsity against Swansea, which already hasn’t happened for the past two years due to Covid, was cancelled as the unis took an “anti-competition stance in order to foster a better relationship” between them. Luckily for them, Welsh Varsity is obviously still going ahead.

Lancaster

Lancaster’s own sporting event Roses, against the University of York, is coming up this month, so Lancaster decided to say Bowland Tower, a building on campus with student accommodation in it, was being painted red in its honour. One made-up student, who Lancs said used to live there, said: “I’m literally in a state of shock, it just feels like a really big thing to commit to. How long is it going to be red for?”

Oxford

Oxford said that Collections exams, which take place at the start of every term, would now also be added on to the end of terms in an attempt to avoid lack of focus at the end of term. A fake “leaked email” said students are “careless” in the last week of term, even saying there had been a student go into a 9am tutorial in a leather bralette, straight from a night out. While this would be an iconic thing to do in a seminar, it didn’t happen, and neither are the extra exams.

Manchester

Over in Manchester, they said the uni was planning on awarding Matt Hancock an honorary degree for his “dedication to the NHS and contribution to the British fashion industry”. They were also apparently looking to give one to “someone off Love Island” to “balance it out”. It’s not happening, but The Manchester Tab said the ceremony would include a cheese and wine event and all those in attendance would be given a black turtle neck. Sad I can’t go x

Sheffield

Sheffield students love nothing more than the Arctic Monkeys, so The Tab Sheffield said that Sheffield Hallam uni was renaming their Owen Building “The Alex Building”, in honour of Arctic Monkeys’ frontman Alex Turner. It was said to be intended to attract more students – but it’s not happening, clearly.

Glasgow

Glasgow said one of their uni’s halls had won an award for being the UK’s best student accommodation of 2022 – but as if any halls could ever beat the boujee colleges of Oxbridge? Those people literally live in castles, huns. Here is a picture of the Glasgow halls which was said to have won the “award”, for context:

Brookes

Brookes said the uni was going to give students free snake bites today at their campus bar, to “make up for the lectures students have missed due to the strikes”. Snake bites are a  favourite drink of Brookes students, but they obvs won’t be getting them for free off the uni.

Now you’ve read all our April Fools’ Day headlines from 2022, here are more from years gone by:

• Gotcha! Here are all the ridiculous ways we fooled you this April Fools’ Day

• Here’s how we mugged you off for April Fools’ 2020 at universities all over the UK

• These are all of the ridiculous lies you’ve been fed this April Fools’ Day 2019