So you didn’t get Parklife tickets…

With weekend tickets selling out in record time this year, it’s unsurprising that a lot of us didn’t manage to get our hands on one. So if you’re not one of the lucky 70,000, here are a few ideas to keep you occupied this weekend.

Try and sneak in

If you’re not prepared to spend up to £150 for a paper ticket, or to risk being scammed with fake e-tickets, don’t give up! Turning up to Heaton Park and trying to sneak in to the festival will no doubt turn into a memorable afternoon when you get dragged back to the car park by the PoPo.

Worth the embarrassment if you get caught? Possibly. Worth getting arrested for? Debatable.

BBQ!

If overpriced drinks, standing up all day, and expensive food aren’t to your taste, a barbecue is surely the way to go. Pick up a £5 disposable one, pour yourself a gin and juice, and sit in the garden or head over to Platt Fields. Comfort eating is obviously encouraged.

Eat and drink your sorrows away

House party!

It’s a well-known fact that there are few things better than getting drunk in the safety and comfort of your own home, so why not throw a house party and do just that? You’ll save money and you don’t run the risk of being kicked out if you get so drunk you can’t stand up. Sure, there won’t be any internationally renowned musicians there, but there won’t be any angry security guards, mud or portaloos either. So that’s nice.

Throwing a house party is all fun and games until someone vomits on the carpet

Chill!

Take advantage of the fact that you can get a full night’s sleep and spend the day relaxing and pampering yourself. Then turn up to Afterlife parties looking like an angel in contrast to the sweat and dust-covered Parklife revellers. Obviously, if anyone asks, you did go – you just always look like this.

Ready to hit the town: proper skincare is the key to a glowing complexion

Tidy the house

It’s the end of the academic year, and chances are, you need to have moved out of your house by the end of the month. If you want to keep your deposit intact, grab a pair of Marigolds and give your home a deep clean. You can also use a mop to dry your river of tears.

If anyone asks what you did this weekend, just lie

Hit the peaks

If the sight of your unbearably smug friends getting ready for Parklife is too much, and if you want to avoid listening to the “hilarious” stories of the day, why not get out of the city all together? A 40-minute train ride from Piccadilly will take you right into the Peak District. Take a picnic, go on a walk or, if you’re feeling adventurous, book a spot on a campsite from £10 per night and pretend you’re at a real festival.

Who knew this was just a stone’s throw from Fallowfield?

Cry in bed

For the cheap, lazy or bitter, there is only one good way to spend Parklife weekend – in bed, crying. If you can’t deal with the knowledge that literally everyone you know is having the time of their lives only a few miles away, draw the curtains, tuck yourself in, and have a good cry about it. For added effect, listen to some Snoop Dogg, Bastille, Rudimental etc., and make yourself feel even worse.

Drop it like it’s not: spend your weekend lying in bed, feeling like shizzle.