How to be a successful social smoker

You know who you are


You have a few drinks and then all of a sudden you’ve got that craving.

“You know what would go well with this fourth G&T? A “cheeky” ciggie.”

If you’ve thought ahead, you’ve probably gone with buying a pack instead of chancing roll ups.

Good on you. You have neither the talent nor the reason to roll – are you really saving that much money?

But you may have another problem. You’re not actually a smoker. Which means that you lack the key ingredient – cigarettes.

Fear not, here’s a guide to successfully taking advantage of those poor bastards who are actually addicted.

Stick with your smoker friends


Carry a lighter

This trick never fails

“Have you got a light?”

“Yeah, for a cigarette.”


Carry spare change


There is no standard street price for a single cigarette, it’ll definitely depend on how desperate you are. But carrying a few pound coins is advised.

Target a member of the opposite sex

Sidling up to people in the smoking area is much easier when there is an element of sexual tension.

Get your tits out.

Be picky on your choice of pull

You can smell a smoker. Choose wisely. Scientifically, smokers are 45.63 per cent more likely to share a cigarette with you if you’ve locked lips. (That statistic was bollocks but the point still stands.)

Great target

One for the ladies here, make use of those random friends you discover in the toilets.

Before you offer to hold their hair back, or be their shoulder to cry on, ask if they smoke. If it’s a no then they are not worth your precious time. Move on to the next inevitable sobbing lass.

But above all, the most important tip is to be prepared to defend yourself when you’re called out and mocked for being a social smoker.

Don’t worry about it, smokers are cranky. Sorry if we can enjoy nicotine without becoming addicted. If anything, well done to us.