We need to talk about how many pigeons are getting into Adsetts
I can’t believe I’m writing this
Remember your A-Levels? Of course you do, you're still getting over the stress. They're ingrained onto your psyche, you're were shaped by them, moulded by them; some may have adopted the A-Levels, but you were born in them.
Remember that summer you spend slaving over books, learning how the inside of a leaf is structured, what the difference between actus reus and mens rea is, why peeling the sticker off of a bottle is the tell tale sign of horniness. What a hard summer that was, devoting yourself to the Church of UCAS, stressed about joining the relevant groups on Facebook to find your new housemates, oblivious to the fact that they are the people you will one day fall out with over milk; just so horny, or at least that's what your habit of peeling stickers off of bottles signified.
Then you got into uni! YAY! All that hard work paid off, all of that stress led up to that moment, the cathartic release, the pay off, knowing that after all of the worry you can finally relax – and look forward to so much more stress.
And you get to uni, you're at Sheffield Hallam, you're in Adsetts with your newfound coursemates pouring over the reading lists, you look up – what's that? That's right, it's a goddamn pigeon. It's a monstrous pigeon, perched under the roof, it's looking down on you, laughing at your the sheer size of your student debt.
You worked so hard to get here, you got the grades, you got the student loan (despite the fact that the student loan you got just isn't enough to cover the life of a student), but you got it that's the main thing, and then out of nowhere – some cocky pigeon comes along and waltzes into the library with not even an AS in Philosophy and Ethics to show for it. This is what it's like to be a Hallam student.
Now, I don't want to sound like Donald Trump here, but we need to keep them out.
Yeah, it's quite funny, you know, there's a pigeon in the library, haha, how did it get in here?, how will it get out?, this, that and the other. But it isn't just one time a pigeon has gotten into Hallam. No, just like there is somehow more than one Alvin and the Chipmunks film – THERE ARE MULTIPLE PIGEONS.
This is one instance of a pigeon getting into Hallam's main library. Then there is this, another, earlier instance, of a pigeon breaching Castle Adsetts, an ancient example of pigeons and Hallam entwined.
Even now, in this year that has already seen a groundbreaking royal wedding, North Korea meet the USA, and a revolutionary new Lord Mayor of Sheffield, THERE'S STILL PIGEONS IN HALLAM.
Now I've written about Adsetts in the past, it's a cool building arcitecturally and it's a really great place to work and study. But the pigeons. What, is, with, the, pigeons???
The pigeon problem has become so frequent that Hallam have had to take action, and by that I mean they've had to put signs in the windows asking people to stop pigeons getting in. This is what it's like being a Hallam student – you pay £9000 for an education and you end up in charge of pigeons and their access to a large glass building.
Maybe one day pigeons will live alongside the students of Sheffield in harmony, maybe one day an inspirational pigeon will get into a red brick uni, maybe even a pigeon society. Until then, we'll just have to face to the fact that there are pigeons in Adsetts and you're just going to have to deal with it.